Honey, Haman Is Tripping

By: C.N.

Stop trying to be a hero! You’re going to get yourself killed! We’ve all heard this phrase before, whether on a TV show, in a movie (my name is Bond, James Bond. Boy! That man wore some sharp suits!), or in our everyday lives (like that time your cousin tried to fight four bullies because they took his lunch money-don’t get flattened like some extra fluffy pancakes from IHOP; mmm, IHOP. You buttery bites of Heaven, you. Haha).

The world tries to tell us that we’re not good enough to make a difference, that we’re not smart enough to make a difference, or that we don’t have the tools or skills to make a difference (take your ball and go home!). Here’s the thing, though; God tells that line of thinking to shove it where the sun doesn’t shine (that has to be uncomfortable. Haha). God can use anyone at any time to fulfill his purposes. We remember our buddy, Moses, thinking he wasn’t a good enough talker to free the Israelites from slavery-God told him to snap out of it (I SAID CUT IT OUT!!! jkjkjk), put his big boy pants on (I’m a big kid now!), tell his brother, Aaron, what to say, and Aaron would do the talking (see, what had happened was…)-> “I See The Red Sea! Pharoah’s A Weenie!,” https://jesusbedtimestories.com/i-see-the-red-sea-pharaohs-a-weenie/). God didn’t only use men to fulfill his purposes in the Bible, however; he used several women as well (Aye! Girl power! All my ladies in the house, stand up! Anything you can do, I can do…sorry. Haha).  Without further ado, let’s jump into the story of Queen Esther saving the Jews, shall we? Please note, I am attempting to summarize 8 chapters of the Bible here, so the summary might be a little bit longer than they usually are (and no, it’s not because women can’t get to the point! Stereotypes! Haha).

In the book of Esther, here’s the skinny (that’s slang for story. Haha): the Jews were taken from their homeland and made captives (slaves) in Babylon for 70 years. God used King Cyrus (King of the Persian Empire) to bring many of the Jews back to their homeland, though all hadn’t returned home yet (Get your behind home before the streetlights come on, Timmy!!!!). Two Jews that had not returned home were Esther and her uncle, Mordecai. When King Ahasuerus of Persia was looking for a new queen (let’s just say that he and the old queen had “marital problems”), Mordecai brought his niece, Esther, before King Ahasuerus-he fell in love with Esther and made her his new queen (That’s right, girl! All hail Queen Esther!). King Ahasuerus made a man named Haman an overseer of all the princes in the kingdom, and all servants were to bow to Haman (King’s orders). Mordecai refused to bow to Haman (bump that, fool!), Haman found out that Mordecai was a Jew, and out of spite, Haman convinced the King to have all Jews killed. Of course, Haman thought he was slick; he didn’t specifically say he wanted to kill all Jews, but worded it all “disobedient lawbreakers” (but he was referring to the Jews, and King Ahasuerus ignorantly fell for it-hook, line, and sinker.).

Queen Esther and Mordecai found out about Haman’s evil plan (let’s jump Haman in the parking lot! Just kidding, kids! Jesus Christ is love. Haha), and quickly jumped to action (up to this point, Esther had hidden the fact that she was a Jew). Esther would have to go before King Ahasuerus (her sugarplum boo thang) on behalf of her people, but this could be a deadly move, as no one was supposed to come before the King without being called (Come on! She’s the Queen! That shouldn’t count.). Esther asked the Jews (her peeps!) to fast and pray for her for three days; Esther needed the courage to save her people (sweetie-poo, can I talk to you for a second?). During the second banquet (the King made sure that his Queen ate good!), Queen Esther made her plea to King Ahasuerus:

Esther 7:3-4 (KJV)–If I have found favour in thy sight, O king, and if it please the king, let my life be given me at my petition, and my people at my request: For we are sold, I and my people, to be destroyed, to be slain, and to perish. But if we had been sold for bondmen and bondwomen, I had held my tongue, although the enemy could not countervail the king’s damage.

Someone wanted to kill Queen Esther and her people, but King Ahasuerus wasn’t having that (no one touches my honey dumplin!)! King Ahasuerus asked the Queen who would devise such an evil plan, she reveals that it’s Haman (Haman: Queen Esther’s a Jew?!?! Oh no! Oh no! I’ve messed up. I think I just had an accident on myself), the King becomes furious and goes into the palace garden, and Haman tries to beg Queen Esther for his life (sweat and slob everywhere). When King Ahasuerus returns to the banquet, Haman has fallen across the bed/couch where Esther is (some sources say that the angel, Gabriel (one of God’s helper angels), pushed Haman onto the bed), the King accuses Haman of trying to assault his wife (Queen Esther) while he…the King…is in the house, the King’s entourage immediately covers Haman’s face (no one wanted to look at that ugly. Haha), and the King orders Haman to be killed (hung) on the gallows that Haman had prepared for Mordecai (they flipped it on him! The tables have turned! Switcharoo! No one kills Queen Esther’s uncle!). Haman is killed, his house is given to Queen Esther, and his position (as overseer of the princes in the kingdom) and signet ring are given to Mordecai.

Though that royal dipstick, Haman, is now dead, Queen Esther and her people are still in danger; the law (called a decree) that King Ahasuerus passed calls for all Jews to be murdered. As such, Esther again comes before her husband (he gladly holds out the golden sceptre to her, which means that she may continue to talk to him/make her plea) and asks him to reverse the decree that calls for her people, the Jews, to be killed. How can she sit back and watch the destruction of her kindred (we aren’t going!)? While the King could not outright reverse the previous decree (due to the restrictive, “once written and sealed, it’s final” mindset of the day), he made another decree, which allowed the Jews to defend themselves against the attacks of the enemy (let’s whoop these fools, man!). The King’s men immediately spread the word (they rode horses, mules, and camels-no Ferraris, Porsches, or Lamborghinis during those days! Haha)  through all of the land (from India to Ethiopia-127 provinces); if the enemy wants a fight, we’ll give them a fight (in the mighty name of Jesus Christ!)!

Meanwhile, King Ahasuerus gives Mordecai a promotion (our man was decked out in “royal apparel of blue and white, and with a great crown of gold, and with a garment of fine linen and purple” (Esther 8:15 (KJV))-that boy was SHARP!); he’s the prime minister, y’all! The Jews, upon hearing that they will be able to defend themselves against the enemy and have the King’s full support, rejoiced and were glad (celebrate good times, come on!)! The battle hadn’t happened yet, but they knew that God was in their corner; they couldn’t lose! The Jews had a big feast and celebrated the goodness of God, and…get this…many of the people of the land became Jews! The non-Jews (known as Gentiles) saw how happy the Jews were, saw how close of a relationship they had with God (through Jesus Christ), and were afraid to come against them; if you can’t beat them and know that you need God, join them! Hallelujah!

YES! God can use anyone or anything for his glory (he could use a toenail or a rusty spatula to get his point across. Haha). He used Esther, a poor Jewish girl, raised her to become Queen of the Persian Empire, and spoke through her to save her people from destruction (Hip, hip, hooray!). Don’t ever let anyone (including yourself) tell you that God can’t use you; God can use ANYONE, and nothing is impossible with him (thank you, Jesus!). You all know what time it is! I feel a modern-day remix coming on! NOTE: I will be utilizing modern-day language, technology, and ways of living in this story, as we’re picturing this happening today. 

Honey, Haman Is Tripping

By: C.N.

Biblical Reference: Esther, Chapters 1-8 (KJV)

*King Ahasuerus and Queen Esther rule over the Persian Empire, and Haman has been appointed the overseer of the princes (all servants must bow to Haman). When Esther’s uncle, Mordecai, refuses to bow to Haman, Haman finds out that Mordecai is Jewish, and tricks King Ahasuerus into making a decree to have all Jews killed (forget you, Haman!). Queen Esther and Mordecai find out about this decree, and quickly spring into action. To the second banquet we go! What says “let’s eat!” like finding out that your right-hand man is a lying, cheating, two-timing, good for nothing dog (obviously, not the cute, cuddly kind; roof! roof!). Let’s get to it!*

Queen Esther: Honey, can I talk to you? This is an emergency. The steak will still be there when we’re done talking (he loves his steak!).

King Ahasuerus (putting his knife and fork down): Of course, my love. What’s wrong?

Queen Esther: Do you love me?

King Ahasuerus: Of course I love you, sweetheart! You shouldn’t even have to ask that question. Have I done something wrong? Did I forget to take the garbage out?  I promise I’ll put the toilet seat down from now on (shame! jkjkjk).

Queen Esther: You haven’t done anything wrong, babycakes; I was just checking. My uncle Mordecai and I just found out that someone is trying to have me and my people killed; I don’t know who poured prune juice (ewwww!) in this guy’s Frosted Flakes this morning (they’re great!), but he hates us, wants us all dead, and I can’t sit back and let it happen. This is my family we’re talking about.

King Ahasuerus: Awww, hecky no! You’re darn skippy we won’t let it happen! Over my dead body (easy there, big fella)! No one touches my Queen or her people! Who is it, my love? I’ll snap him in half like a twig (that’s right!). You just say the name, and I’ll handle it.

Queen Esther: Brace yourself, honey. It’s that wicked, no-good wingman of yours, Haman!

King Ahasuerus: HAMAN???!!!! That imbecile! You wait right here, honey. I’m going to the garden to get my tool belt-I’m going to fix this.

*Haman proceeds to soil himself. Queen Esther is Jewish?!?!?! You just tried to kill the King’s wife, Bruh?!?!?! You’ve done it now, Haman! Haman proceeds to beg Queen Esther for his life, but this little pony’s day in the rodeo is about to come to an end. King Ahasuerus returns to the banquet to find Haman lying across the Queen’s couch; a little birdie told me that one of God’s angels, Gabriel, pushed him onto Esther’s couch. This won’t end well for Haman*

King Ahasuerus (furious!): Are you kidding me right now, Haman?! First, you try to have my wife and her people killed, and now you’re going to try to assault my wife…while I’M STILL IN THE HOUSE?!?!?!?!?! You clearly have a death wish right now (dead man walking, y’all!)! Entourage, y’all know what to do!

*The King’s entourage, looking like extras from the Men In Black movie (here come the Men in Black), immediately put a brown paper bag over Haman’s head; no one needs to look at that ugly anymore.*

Entourage: Dear, King, Haman set up a 75 foot gallows to kill Mordecai in. What would you like us to do about that (thank you for asking!)?

King Ahasuerus: Kill Haman! Since he thought he was slick (he thought he was smoother than Land Lakes butter, y’all!) in trying to have my wife and her people killed, he’s going to die from the same gallows he set up for Mordecai. Who’s the trickster now, Haman?!

*Haman is killed (not the fun version of hang-gliding), his house is given to Queen Esther, and his position (as overseer of the princes) and signet ring are given to Mordecai. This is a step in the right direction, but Queen Esther still grieves for her people*

Queen Esther (crying): Honey, I desperately need your help. I’m heartbroken right now.

King Ahasuerus: What’s wrong, darling?! What happened?! Has someone done something to you?! I’ll kill them. You just tell me what you want, and it’s yours.

Queen Esther: The law still states that my people and I are to be murdered at the hands of the enemy. Could you please overturn this law or pass a law to make this one null and void? I can’t stand to see my family and friends killed; I can’t stand to see my people destroyed.

King Ahasuerus: My love, I have given you Haman’s house, killed him in epic fashion, and have given his position to your uncle, Mordecai. I will always love and protect you and your people. While I can’t overturn the law (he tried to petition the U.N. to overturn the “once it’s sealed, it’s a final and non-reversible deal”  doctrine, but to no avail), I’ll pass a new law that will allow the Jews to protect themselves in the day of battle. You already know that I’m going to personally protect you and Mordecai; you don’t have anything to worry about. I will equip the Jews with everything that they need-weapons, ammo, bullet proof vests and face masks, arm and knee pads, tanks, explosives, the works! We’re in God’s army, and God can’t lose (in the mighty name of Jesus Christ!)! I’m going to put it on Channel 4, our private radio station, and post it to our private Facebook group now (let’s blast these fools, man!).

*Word quickly spread that the Jews could protect themselves and their families at all costs, and that King Ahasuerus would provide all of the battle gear, tanks, and weapons-no one is going to attack God’s people and get away with it! Upon hearing this news, the Jews celebrated (party time! Let’s eat, drink (Juicy juice) and be merry!)! Hallelujah! Thank you, Jesus! Praise the Lord! God is good! God is with us, and we shall defeat the enemy, in the mighty name of Jesus Christ! The Jews were so happy and confident in God that the Gentiles (non-Jews) noticed, became afraid of the Jews (you better be afraid, boy! Haha), and decided to become Jews themselves (they want to know the power of and have a relationship with God as well! They don’t want to be splattered like cockroaches on a hot, summer day. Haha). Meanwhile, Mordecai is promoted to prime minister of the Persian Empire-that boy is sharp! Haha*

Mordecai: Wooo! Look at these clothes, Esther?! I’m looking fresh in this blue, white, and purple; just call me some berry flavored cotton candy (the best!)! My golden crown is on fleek (that means that it looks good. Haha), I’m feeling good, and I smell like the good Old Spice! Praise the Lord! Thank you, Jesus! God is good!

Queen Esther: You’re looking good, Uncle M! You know that I’m going to have you looking right as the prime minister! We rep truth and godliness in style!

Mordecai: I hear you, Queen Niece!

*The King, Queen, Mordecai, and all of the Jews of the land are rejoicing! Haman is dead, the Jews will be well equipped for battle, and it’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood! God used Esther, a poor Jewish girl, to save her people from destruction. No matter who you are, where you come from, or what’s you’ve done, God can and will use you for his glory (as long as you’re willing to be used). On that note, let’s put our swimsuits on, jump in the pool, and enjoy this beautiful day! I love you all, God bless you all, and I’ll see you all on the next one! 

-C.N.