Satan’s A Sissy!
By: Carletta Traylor aka C.N.
Don’t we all just love it when people take our kindness for weakness? We know those mud-guzzling morons who love to push our buttons because they think that we’re “too nice:” we treat our peers with love, kindness and respect; we help and support our fellow man (or woman. Haha) as much as possible; we believe in maintaining the peace, as opposed to disturbing it (BUMP you, Ludacris! Disturbin’ Tha Peace isn’t cute! Haha). When mindless nimrods think that we’re “too nice,” they’ll stop at nothing to get a rise out of us; these butt-backwards jamokes want to see us scream, yell, flail our arms around, make a scene, and make an absolute monkey out of ourselves (the only “rise” you’ll get out of me is my hand rising to backhand you into a tree somewhere. Haha jkjkjk Jesus is love. Haha).
When we encounter people who want to put us in compromising/unpleasant positions, we must handle them with love, class, and dignity (put the 2-by-4 and the Beretta away! Haha). In light of today being Day#7 (the final day) of my “Are These Dudes Nuts?!” series, we’re going to visit the most vile piece of garbage to ever exist; the pointy princess himself, Satan.
To begin, it’s not possible for me to tell Satan’s entire story in 1 (or even 50) posts; I could write an entire encyclopedia on this flaming loser-he doesn’t deserve that kind of attention or dedication. Haha. For those of you who may not know, Satan is the bitter rival and arch enemy of God Almighty, our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, and all things good and holy. Satan is an evil, wicked, sneaky, slimy, sleazeball of a troll who constantly tries to get us to sin (say, do, don’t do, and think things that we shouldn’t, to the displeasure and dishonor of God), curse God, run after money/fame/fortune/worldly things, and put ourselves on pedestals that we don’t belong on (there are ingrates who actually call themselves God. Cool story, Bro.).
Satan lives in Hell (you DON’T want to end up here-it’s hotter than jalapeno peppers, dipped in cayenne pepper, sprinkled in lava, and chilling in the Sahara Desert (which is about 1000 degrees-it makes Arizona feel like the North Pole-it’s HOT! Muy caliente! Haha). Satan is often depicted as a red monster with horns sticking out of his head, donning a stupidly long tail, and carrying a pitchfork (I’d like to stick that pitchfork and my 6-inch stilettos so far up his backside that he’s throwing up my toenail polish and metal chips as blood. Haha).
Satan has appeared in many forms throughout the Holy Bible (as the serpent who tricked Adam and Eve into eating from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, after God Almighty told them not to; through all of the vile pieces of crap, both male and female, that we’ve discussed throughout my “Are These Women Crazy?!” and “Are These Dudes Nuts?!” series, etc.), and his ultimate goal is to steal, kill and destroy as many people as possible-Satan wants us all to suffer in Hell forever, as opposed to being happy forever in Heaven with God Almighty and Jesus Christ (jump off of a cliff, Satan! I’ll run you over with my car to speed up the process!).
Here’s the crazy, think, though; Satan wasn’t always the flaming piece of garbage that he’s known for being today. Satan used to be one of God’s angels in Heaven, under the name Lucifer, until he lost his cotton-picking mind one day. This brings us to today’s story (finally, Carletta! You’ve just been RAMBLING on and on and on-and not in the cute, Energizer Bunny kind of way (he just keeps going and going and going. Haha)): God kicks Lucifer out of Heaven.
In the 28th Chapter of Ezekiel (as well as the 14th Chapter of Isaiah), we see that Lucifer was one of God’s leading angels in Heaven (some would even say God’s greatest angel)-he was physically beautiful (he used to be a handsome hunk! Haha), intelligent (that boy was SMART!), powerful (look at those muscles! FLEX!), and he was the leader of music in Heaven (*starts doing the Stanky Leg*). That’s right, folks! Lucifer, before losing his mind, was the worship leader, choir director, and “King of Entertainment” in Heaven.
Lucifer used to be perfect in every way, but one day, he allowed his looks, smarts, power and position (which he only had because God gave those things to him) to go to his head-this dipstick not only started thinking that he was all of that and a bag of chips (he wasn’t even half of that and a half-eaten Dorito), but he actually began to think that he was GREATER than God. Please allow me to repeat that: Lucifer, who had been created by God, who received all of his power and positive attributes from God, and who had spent his angelic life praising and worshipping God, suddenly caught a case of selective amnesia, forgot where he came from, and thought that he was GREATER THAN GOD (how can the CREATION be greater than the CREATOR?! That’s stupid! Haha).
God didn’t have time for Lucifer’s foolishness, and as such, he kicked Lucifer out of Heaven. Ezekiel 28:16-18 (KJV) reads as follows:
Ezekiel 28:16-18 (KJV): By the multitude of thy merchandise they have filled the midst of thee with violence, and thou hast sinned: therefore I will cast thee as profane out of the mountain of God: and I will destroy thee, O covering cherub, from the midst of the stones of fire. Thine heart was lifted up because of thy beauty, thou hast corrupted thy wisdom by reason of thy brightness: I will cast thee to the ground, I will lay thee before kings, that they may behold thee. Thou hast defiled thy sanctuaries by the multitude of thine iniquities, by the iniquity of thy traffick; therefore will I bring forth a fire from the midst of thee, it shall devour thee, and I will bring thee to ashes upon the earth in the sight of all them that behold thee.
DANG!!!!! God just treated Lucifer’s life, y’all! God told Lucifer about himself: you’ve allowed sin to corrupt you (being a prideful, egotistical a-wad) and make you think that you’re greater than I am. I created you, Lucifer; you were created by me, of me, for me, and to bring glory to me! Now you have the nerve (the unmitigated GALL) to think that you are me (or greater than I am?!)?! Since you think that you’re hot stuff (Flamin’ Hots all day, baby! Haha), you’re no longer worthy of dwelling in Heaven with me. I’m kicking you out of Heaven, knocking your punk a-SHUT YOUR MOUTH! to the ground, and you’re going to suffer, Lucifer. I will destroy you; I will rip you apart, limb from limb; I will make you scream and cry like the sniveling coward that you are; you will burn into a pile of ashes before me. BOYYYYYYYYY!!!! God Almighty was not, is not, and will never be the one to play with!
Once God Almighty kicked Lucifer out of Heaven, God changed Lucifer’s name to Satan (Such A Trifling A-wad Nimrod), he sent Satan to Hell (where he will burn and suffer…FOREVER! *Cue the Dexter-style laughter! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!*), and Satan became the vile, despicable, ruthless, evil, wicked, worthless piece of skunk excrement that he’s known for being today. Satan wasn’t the only angel cast out of Heaven, however.
Several passages of scripture (most notably, 2 Peter 2:4 and Jude 1:6) make clear that while Lucifer was trying to play God (HAHAHAHAAHA, he thought that he actually had a snowball’s chance in Hell (the place, not the swear word! I didn’t swear! God loves a clean mouth. Haha) of winning a war with God-PEASANT! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!), one-third of the angels sided with Lucifer, followed Lucifer, worshipped Lucifer, and rebelled against God.
As such, God kicked these angels, known as the “Fallen Angels,” out of Heaven as well (Ohhhhh! Y’all want to worship Lucifer and be brain-dead blockheads?! Congratulations! Guess what you’ve all won?! Since y’all want to worship Lucifer, I’m kicking y’allz punk a-SHUT YOUR MOUTH AGAIN! out of Heaven, right along with him! Be gone, trolls!). They lost their holy wings, y’all; those suckas fell face first to the ground, were to be cast foot first (as in God’s foot kicking their behinds) into Hell, and will be roasting like chestnuts on an open fire! S’mores time! Get the marshmallows! Haha.
Wow! Satan is a raging IDIOT! No wonder he’s so angry all of the time; he’s burning, suffering, crying and screaming his “you know what” off on a daily basis; that’s a piece of extra black, extra burnt, extra crispy bacon that even I don’t want (and I LOVE bacon! Haha). I can’t embarrass this waste of space known as Satan without a modern-day remix, y’all (YASSSSSSS!!!)! Hop on your cots, crack a can of Brisk (that’s sweetened iced tea for those of you who have never heard of it before), enjoy the cool breeze, and let’s do this thing! NOTE: I will be utilizing modern-day language, technology and ways of living in this story, as we’re picturing this happening today.
Satan’s A Sissy!
By: Carletta Traylor aka C.N.
Biblical Reference: Ezekiel, 28th
Chapter; Isaiah, 14th Chapter.
*God Almighty, his son (and our Lord and Savior), Jesus Christ, the Holy Spirit, and all of the angels are chilling in Heaven-there’s always a party going on in Heaven, y’all! Ain’t no party like a Holy Ghost party, ‘cause a Holy Ghost party don’t stop! Party over here! Ooh-ooh! Party over here! Ooh-ooh! They’re eating holy hot wings, chastened curly fries, divine honey dumplings, saved chicken soup, Christian Cheetos, and drinking the finest living water and majestic milk. Lucifer is God’s greatest angel and the master of music in Heaven; he just wrote a ROCKING new song that the choir is singing called “Like a Christian, Saved For The Very First (And Only) Time!” Everyone is perfect, enjoying themselves, praising God and feeling fine…until Lucifer lets his God-given talents go to his head (oh boy!). Get your popcorn and soda ready! This is about to be better than Rush Hour!*
Lucifer: Wow! That song was awesome! It was the BOMB.com! No one can touch me when it comes to making music! This album’s going to the top of the charts in record time-I’m talking #1 on the Billboard 200, certified triple-Diamond status in less than 24 hours, I’m buying that mansion in Malibu, I’m getting those four Lambos and three Ferraris that I’ve always wanted; I’m about to make it rain Benjamin Franklins in this peace! I’m perfect! I’m handsome (Channing Tatum ain’t got NUTHIN’ on me!), I have rock-hard abs that you could grate cheese on (angel hair pasta, anyone? Haha), I’m intelligent (2+2=4, Mommy!), I’m super strong (I’ll make Godzilla cry like a little girl! WEENIE!), and I’m the greatest angel who has ever lived! As a matter of fact, why am I wasting my time worshipping God? I don’t need God! I’m better than God! I am God! Everyone in Heaven should be worshipping me! All hail, King Lucifer! All hail, King Lucifer!
*One-third of the angels ACTUALLY (yes, really!) agreed with the hot garbage that Lucifer was spewing from his diarrhea hole; why should they worship God?! They don’t need him; Lucifer is their “god!” Lucifer is their leader (follow the leader!)! They want to be free, live freely, and do whatever they feel like doing (if they want to drink bleach with a straw, they should be able to do it! As a matter of fact, that might not be a bad idea. We need to thin the herd of pure, butt-backwards stupidity. Haha jkjkjk Jesus loves you! Grace!)! God Almighty has something to say about this. Oh, Lucy?! You’ve got some ‘plainin’ to do!*
GOD ALMIGHTY: Are you kidding me, Lucifer? Are you flipping kidding me right now?! Let me tell you something, you ungrateful ingrate! I made you! I decided to breathe divine breath into your body and allow you to live with me in Heaven. I’m the one who gave you your good looks (not as good looking as God Almighty, of course. He’s perfect, beautiful, holy and righteous in every way. Haha), your intelligence (though he’s acting like a dumb DONKEY (aka a dumba-SHUT YOUR MOUTH A THIRD TIME!) right now!), your power, your strength, your position, and your musical ability; had it not been for me, you would be NOTHING (without God, you wouldn’t have become anything, scrub! I don’t want no scrubs, a scrub is a guy that can’t get no love from me…sorry. Haha).
You think that you’re me, Lucifer?! Better yet, you think that you’re BETTER than I am?! Since you’ve lost your lava licking mind, I’m kicking you out of Heaven! You don’t deserve to be in Heaven with me and my angels-and that goes for the third of you angels that agree with Lucifer and have turned your backs on me as well! I’m kicking you all out of Heaven! I’m going to cast you all to the ground! You all shall be destroyed, ripped to shred, trampled over, smacked up from the back up (God’s a G! Snap! Crackle! Pop!), embarrassed, and last, but certainly not least, you all shall burn, cry, scream, and suffer in Hell forever! You all will burn to ashes at my feet! I devour fools (in the words of Mr. T, “I pity the fool!”); you all will learn to fear God Almighty (y’all better recognize, boy! Y’all better start fearing, revering, respecting, and worshipping God Almighty pronto! Haha).
Lucifer & The Fallen Angels (wetting themselves! I sense warmer, not-so-divine undies!): NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
*God Almighty casts Lucifer and the one-third of fallen angels out of Heaven; they will become gum on the bottom of God’s new Timberlands-EWWWWWWWWWWW! They shall be ruined; they shall be destroyed; they shall roast like chestnuts on an open fire in Hell (s’mores time! Where are my marshmallows?! Haha). God has changed Lucifer’s name to Satan, Satan has become an ugly, evil piece of trash, and he looks like a pointy, red, roided-up dinosaur-he’s such a pri-SHUT YOUR MOUTH ONCE AND FOR ALL, CARLETTA!!!! Haha.*
Satan isn’t a match for God, y’all! We must take him seriously, however. Just as God works tirelessly to save us from our sins (through the blood of our Lord and Savior, and his beloved son, Jesus Christ), that we may see Heaven one day, Satan works just as hard to ruin us, destroy us, make us slaves to sin and evil, and send us to Hell. If we sincerely repent of our sins (ask God to forgive us of our sins and help us to stop sinning), believe in the Gospel of Jesus Christ (Jesus died on the Cross for our sins, rose from the dead three days later, is in Heaven with God Almighty, and is coming back to take his children (us believers) to Heaven and to judge/destroy this world), ask Jesus Christ into our lives as our Lord and Savior, and follow him the rest of our lives, we will be with God Almighty (God the Father), Jesus Christ (God the Son), and the Holy Spirit (God the Holy Spirit) in Heaven forever-party over here! Ooh-ooh! Party over here! Ooh-ooh!
Jesus defeated Satan when he rose from the dead on that third day with all power in his hands-Satan has already lost! He’s a loser! Lame-O! Last place! Moron! Idiot! Imbecile! Ignoramus! Unfunny clown! Amateur! Dipstick! Buttwipe! Bloated red oompa loompa! DOOFUS!
I think that I’ve roasted Satan’s miserable life enough for one post (I have plenty more roasts to go around, though! Y’all will see and read them in future posts! Haha). With that being said, I love you all, God bless you all, and I’ll see you all on the next one!