Tic Tac Toe, Three Miracles In A Row!

By: C.N.

I love being sick and feeling like I’ve been run over by a monster truck…said ABSOLUTELY NO ONE EVER. Haha Let’s face it, sickness, disease, and death are a part of life-we try to avoid it, we try to run away from it (as Simon Peter tried to run away from death in my previous post, “Fetch Those Flippin’ Fish! ->https://jesusbedtimestories.com/fetch-those-flippin-fish/), but it’s something that we’ll all encounter at some point in our lives, though how it looks for each of us may be very different (I may have pink eye, but at least I don’t have chicken pox…see Spot run! Haha jkjkjk). Though we don’t feel good from time to time, and though death is something that we’ll all face someday (sugarless Krispy Kreme donuts should have died before they were born!), there’s great news: Jesus Christ overcame sickness and death (like a BOSS! Move around, Al Pacino!)!

 

Though Jesus Christ (God’s son and our Lord and Savior) died on the Cross to save us from our sins, God the Father raised him from the dead three days later, with all power in his hands (death couldn’t hold his body down!)! Not only has Jesus defeated Satan (that lava loving loser), Hell, sickness, disease, death, and the grave, but he’s also a mighty healer (the doctor that never fails and has never lost a case! Hallelujah!)! This brings us to the story of Jesus performing three mouth-dropping miracles in a row (look at that three-piece combo with extra sauce and a biscuit! YASSSSS!).

In the 5th Chapter of Mark, Jesus is in the middle of his three-year earthly ministry (teaching and preaching about the Kingdom of God), and Jesus has just calmed a storm on the Sea of Galilee that frightened his disciples (NOTE: This is separate from Jesus calming the storm and helping Simon Peter to walk on water, which I discussed in a previous post, “Gravity Can’t Hold Jesus Down!”->https://jesusbedtimestories.com/gravity-cant-hold-jesus-down/). Here, Jesus was already in the boat with the disciples (taking a power nap…like he needed any power. Haha), and the disciples woke him up, asked him to please calm the storm, and Jesus did just that (he wasn’t grouchy or anything, y’all! Had that been me, it might have been a different story. I’m just saying. Haha).

 

Miracle#1-Jesus Heals A Demon Possessed Man

Once the storm had put a sock in it, Jesus and his disciples crossed the Sea of Galilee and entered the country of Gadarenes. Here, they met a man possessed by demons (thousands of them!)-he was wild and uncontrollable (he broke his chains like little girls break Barbie dolls-snap, crackle, pop! He made Godzilla look like an extra soft Twinkie with extra cream in the middle. Haha), he lived in the tombs (I see dead people!), and he constantly yelled and cut himself with stones (don’t do that to your beautiful skin!). As soon as the man saw Jesus, he ran and worshiped him (he wasn’t a complete basket case. Haha), asked Jesus what he (Jesus) wanted with him, and begged Jesus, in God’s name, not to torture him.

 

Jesus demanded that the demons leave the man, and in an interesting conversation between Jesus and the demons, Jesus asked the demons what their names were, they responded, “My name is Legion: for we are many” (a legion is 6,000 demons-that poor man!) (Mark 5:9 (KJV)), the man begged Jesus not to send the demons out of the area (don’t let those freaks destroy anyone else!), and the demons (those scums of the earth) begged Jesus to send them into a herd of pigs eating on the nearby hillside (even the demons knew that Jesus Christ was Lord, peed their nonexistent pants at the sound of his name (they’re SCCUURREDDD, y’all!), and were afraid of what he would do to them-that’s right, SON! Satan and his demonic minions are CHUMPS! Why the pigs, though? Porky hadn’t done anything to them. Haha). Jesus forced the demons to leave the man, allowed them to enter the pigs (2,000 pigs), and the pigs rushed down the steep bank and drowned (I guess Jesus wasn’t a fan of the Babe movie. Haha). The man was now in his right man, y’all (he finally has the sense of a bat! Hallelujah! Haha)! It’s a miracle!

 

The traumatized souls tending to the pigs ran and told everyone what Jesus had just done (G, you won’t believe what just happened! Jesus just healed that demon-possessed lunatic over by the tombs; Jesus actually talked to the demons, Bro! I’m not bugging! Jesus actually told the demons to leave the man, the demons asked for permission to enter our pigs, Jesus allowed those wastes of space to enter our pigs, and they drowned in the Sea! I understand healing the man and all, but why did our pigs have to die?! They didn’t have anything to do with that mess!). When the people came to Jesus and saw the man in his right mind (sane), dressed and sitting there (he was just as peaceful. Haha), they wet their jammies, became very afraid (those wimps!), and begged Jesus to leave their region (you backwards peasants! Haha). Jesus didn’t put up a fight, however (he could have wiped those clowns out just by looking at them-Jesus is love, everyone. Haha), got back into the boat with his disciples to leave, and the healed man begged to go with him. Jesus simply replied, and the healed man reacted, as follows:

 

Mark 5:19-20 (NIV): Go home to your own people and tell them how much the Lord has done for you, and how he has had mercy on you.” So the man went away and began to tell in the Decapolis how much Jesus had done for him. And all the people were amazed.

 

Miracles #2 and #3-Jesus Raises Jairus’s Dead Daughter & Heals A Sick Woman

Jesus was just getting warmed up, y’all! Haha As Jesus and his disciples passed back to the other side of the Sea of Galilee, the people swarmed him like a pack of bloodhounds (he is our spiritual meat, the bread of life, and all of the living water that we’ll ever need. Haha)! One of the people to approach Jesus was a synagogue leader named Jairus, who immediately fell at Jesus’s feet. Jairus pleaded with Jesus that his 12-year old daughter was close to death, and that he wanted Jesus to heal her (real men aren’t too proud to beg! Can I get an, “Amen?!”). As Jesus goes with Jairus to see his sick daughter, he is touched by a woman with a 12-year issue of blood (this poor woman had seen all of the best doctors of her day, spent all of her money, they couldn’t heal (or even treat her), and things only got worse and worse (she began to hemorrhage all over her body and was called “unclean”)).

 

The woman ran to Jesus (she made Usain Bolt eat her dust, y’all! He didn’t have ANYTHING on her! Haha), touched his garment, and said “If I may touch but his clothes, I shall be whole” (Mark 5:28 (KJV)). At that very moment, the woman was healed, Jesus asked who had touched her (he couldn’t tell who it was from the swarm of bees seeking his healing honey. What’s good, Winnie the Poo (and Tigger)?! Haha), the disciples were clueless (that’s a “first.” Haha jkjkjk), and the woman (afraid and trembling) fell before Jesus and admitted that she had touched him. Jesus responded as follows:

 

Mark 5:34 (KJV):  And he said unto her, Daughter, thy faith hath made thee whole; go in peace, and be whole of thy plague.

 

Hallelujah! Jesus didn’t get upset that an “unclean” woman touched his clothes; his heart was overjoyed that she believed in him and his healing power, and he told her that her faith is what healed her-be well and enjoy your life, my daughter (just none of that foolishness. Haha)! Immediately after this had happened, a few people from Jairus’s house came and told Jairus that his daughter had died, and to not bother Jesus anymore (as if it were “too late” for Jesus to heal her-were you all born jamokes, or did that develop over time? Haha jkjkjk). Jesus overheard them saying this and told Jairus not to worry; believe that he could heal his daughter, and it would be so. Jesus, the 12 year old girl’s parents (Jairus and his wife), Peter, James and John (James’ brother) went to the girl’s house (Jesus politely commanded everyone else to not follow him, as he wanted this to be a private miracle (as opposed to the woman’s very public miracle)). When Jesus and his crew arrived at the girl’s house and saw everyone crying and heartbroken, he asked them why they were crying, and told them that the girl was not dead, but asleep.

 

Do y’all know that these fools started laughing at Jesus (and no, they weren’t laughing with him, but at him)?! Good thing I wasn’t there-I might have started backhanding suckas left and right (how dare you all mock my sweet Jesus! He’s God’s son, the Savior of the world, and the greatest doctor who has ever lived (sit down, Dr. Oz! Haha)! WAPOW! Please forgive me, Lord. Please help me to do better. I’m equal opportunity tush kicking. Haha)! Jesus made the other people (except for the girl’s parents and his disciples) leave the room (and stay out! Haha), they went to where the girl laid, Jesus took the girl by the hand, and said the following:

 

Mark 5:41 (KJV): Talitha cumi; which is, being interpreted, Damsel, I say unto thee, arise.

 

Jairus’s daughter immediately got up, started walking (Hi, everyone!), everyone was shocked (stank face supreme, y’all! Haha), Jesus told her parents to feed her (can we order pizza tonight, Dad?! Haha They didn’t even have pizza during those days. Haha), and he also told everyone to keep this miracle a secret-Jesus wasn’t cocky, y’all, but a kind and compassionate healer (whatever you say, Jesus! My lips are sealed!).

 

Jesus just healed three people with the greatest of ease and swag, y’all (no one can touch him! He’s God in the flesh, the BOSS, the BOMB.com, all that and a bag of chips (and then some!)! Haha)! This modern-day remix is calling my name, y’all (write me, Carletta! Write me! You know that you want to. Haha)! Let’s get to it (let’s move it, move it, I like to move it, move it. Haha)! NOTE: I will be utilizing modern-day language, technology, and ways of living in this story, as we’re picturing this happening today.

 

Tic, Tac, Toe, Three Miracles In A Row!

By: C.N.

Biblical Reference: Mark, Chapter 5 (KJV/NIV)

*Jesus and his disciples are traveling across the Sea of Galilee by yacht (they love the water and the feeling of the wind in their hair, y’all. Haha), and after the disciples wake Jesus up to calm a raging storm (shut up, storm! I’m trying to sleep! Haha jkjkjk Jesus wouldn’t say it like that. Peace be still.  Haha), they safely make it to the other side (the country of Gadarenes) and encounter a demon-possessed man. Jesus is about to strut his miracle working stuff, y’all!*

Simon Peter: Thank you so much for calming that storm, Lord! We thought that we were going to die out there! I know that I’m not too pretty to die (we all know that, Peter. Haha), but I didn’t think that you wanted us to go out like that. Haha You’re the man, Jesus!

JESUS CHRIST: Thank you for your kind and heartfelt words, Peter. I indeed meant for us to make it to shore, as my Father has work for me to do.

*At that very moment, Jesus and his disciples see a demon-possessed man coming out of the tombs-he’s wild and out of control (yelling, screaming, flailing his arms and feet around like an octopus, cutting himself with stones; he can’t be tamed, y’all! He breaks every chain, breaks every chain, breaks everyyyy chhhaiiinnnnnn! Wait, that’s not what’s meant by the song. Haha). When the man sees Jesus, he immediately runs to him and worships him-he’s not a complete Looney Tune. Hi, Daffy Duck. Haha*

Demon Possessed Man (shaking uncontrollably): Jesus! Jesus! Son of the Most High God! What do you want with me, Jesus?! For God’s sake, please don’t torture me! I’m suffering enough as it is!

JESUS CHRIST:  Come out of the man, thou unclean spirit (be gone, demons!)! What is thy name?

Demon-Possessed Man (the demons inside of him are talking): My name is Legion (that’s 6,000 demons, y’all! Yikes!), for there are many of us. Please don’t send us out of the country-we like it here (you sick freaks!).

*A herd of 2,000 pigs are eating in the countryside, and the demons beg Jesus to let them enter the pigs-what did the pigs do to y’all?! Let me just be quiet-God’s will shall be done and he knows best, even if we don’t understand it. Haha*

JESUS CHRIST: Leave this man, and you may enter the pigs now (they’re some sick pigs themselves!).

*The legion of demons immediately leave the man, enter the pigs, and the pigs run into the Sea and drown. In the words of Porky Pig, “th-th-th-th-that’s all, folks! I’m sorry! I had to! Haha. The pig feeders were scared to death and now had much warmer undies-from sea to shining sea-, and they told everyone in town what had just happened. The people ran to Jesus, saw that the formerly possessed man was cool, calm, collected, in his right mind (he’s not insane anymore, y’all! Hallelujah!), sitting, fully clothed, and soaking up some sun, and they became very afraid and begged Jesus to leave their region (HELLO! He just healed a demon-possessed man! He’s a miracle worker! Why wouldn’t you all want him around?! Who gave them the stupid juice this morning? Haha).

Jesus didn’t argue with them, though (he was just cool like that. Haha), but hopped back onto the yacht, when the formerly possessed man asked to go with him. Jesus told him to stay back and tell everyone what he had done for him-those twisted pretzels needed to be straightened out. Haha The man humbly obeyed Jesus. As Jesus and his disciples made it back to the other side of the Sea of Galilee, they were again met by a huge group of people; Jesus didn’t mind these paparazzi, though. Haha A church leader named Jairus came and fell before Jesus, begging him to heal his sick 12-year old daughter (it’s interesting that most church leaders at that time hated Jesus-he was a threat to their religious power (of course he was…He’s God’s son and God in the flesh! Haha)-, but Jairus at least recognized that he was a healer). Jesus had it in the bag. Haha*

Jairus: Jesus?! Jesus?! Please help me. My 12 year old daughter, Cindy, is really sick. She has had pneumonia for 3 months now, the doctors haven’t been able to help her, and she’s about to die. I know that you can heal her, Jesus. Please heal my baby. Please don’t let her die, Jesus! I’m begging you.

JESUS CHRIST: Take me to your daughter.

*As Jesus is going to see Jairus’s daughter in the hospital, a woman with a 12-year issue of blood touches his robe (she had seen all of the best doctors and had spent all of her money, but to no avail (she’s still sick, and things are only getting worse). She needs a healing today!). She had heard that Jesus was in town, she knew that he could heal her, and she wasn’t going to allow this life-changing opportunity to pass her by (you get your healing, girl! Haha)! The woman touches Jesus, and she is instantly healed! No more blood issues for her (YASSSSS!!!)!

Jesus realizes that he has been touched, asks his disciples who has touched him (he couldn’t tell with so many people around him), they don’t have a clue (of course they don’t. Haha), and the woman comes before Jesus (scared and trembling) and admits that she had touched him (it was me, Austin! Haha jkjkjk). Jesus isn’t upset, but is happy that this woman has shown great faith in him and his healing power. Jesus tells her that her faith is what has healed her, and further tells her to go live her healed and happy life (no sinning, though. Haha)! 

With all of this going on, some of Jairus’s boys have a sad message to deliver to Jairus*

Jairus’s Kinfolk: Jairus, we don’t know how to tell you this, man, but Cindy has just died. We’re so sorry. We didn’t want you to find out like this. We did everything that we could. There’s no need to bother Jesus anymore.

JESUS CHRIST (to Jairus): Be not afraid, only believe.

*Jesus told the crowd to politely back up (back up before you get smacked up! Haha jkjkjk Jesus would never say that; he’s not rude. Haha), and he told Cindy’s parents and his disciples (Peter, James and John (James’s brother)) to follow him to Cindy’s hospital room. He already knew how to get to the hospital (he knows everything. Haha), he already had his honorary guest pass (like he needed one. Haha), and they went to Cindy’s room. When Jesus saw all of Cindy’s family there, crying and defeated, he told them that they didn’t have to cry-Cindy wasn’t dead; she was just sleeping*

JESUS CHRIST: Why make ye this ado, and weep? the damsel is not dead, but sleepeth.

Cindy’s Family (laughing hysterically…weren’t you all just crying a second ago? Haha): HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That’s a good one, Jesus! She’s just sleeping! She’s probably just dreaming of Genie too, right, Jesus?! Is she skipping down the yellow brick road with Elvis? Where’s Toto?! She’s only sleeping! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!

JESUS CHRIST: All of you depart from this room, except for this damsel’s parents and my disciples.

Cindy’s Family: If you say so! What are you going to do, Jesus?! Sing her a song to wake her up?! She’s only sleeping, right?! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

*The butt-backwards ingrates leave the room (enjoying themselves WAY TOO MUCH, I might add. Haha), Jesus takes Cindy by the hand, and he works his divine power, y’all!*

JESUS CHRIST: Talitha cumi (Damsel, I say unto thee, arise!)!

*Cindy immediately wakes up, gets out of her bed, and starts walking around her hospital room! OH MY GOSH! It’s a miracle! She’s alive! She’s alive! She’s alive!*

Jairus and his Wife: Thank you so much, Jesus! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Cindy is alive! Our baby is alive! Praise you, Lord! Hallelujah! Thank you, Jesus! God is good!

JESUS CHRIST: It was my pleasure, Mr. and Mrs. J. I want you all to feed Cindy (hot wings and french fries tonight! Haha), tell the doctors that she is alive and well, have them arrange the discharge paperwork, and don’t tell anyone that I healed her-I want this miracle to remain a secret (Jesus is just so humble, y’all! We love you, Lord!).

Jairus and his Wife: Yes, Lord! Whatever you say!

-C.N.