Ain’t No Party Like A Holy Ghost Party!

By: Carletta Traylor aka C.N.

Happy New Year, everyone! I don’t know about any of you, but I couldn’t wait to punt 2020 in the head, kick it where the sun didn’t shine, and use the door to hit it where the good Lord split it. Haha. 2020 has been a trying year, but God can always bring good out of a bad situation (due to work, school, and sports/entertainment closures, we were less distracted and had much more time to focus on who and what is most important in life: 1) God, through our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, 2) our families and friends, as well as 3) our communities). Now that 2020 has been kicked out like that lazy mooch who doesn’t wash his or her behind, eats up everyone’s food (and doesn’t have a DIME to replace it! DON’T TOUCH MY CHEESECAKE!!!), and doesn’t pay rent (that clown thought he or she was going to lay around without sniffing a bill. Sniff this: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND! Jkjkjk Say no to violence, kids! Jesus loves you. Haha), it’s time to celebrate!

 

God has brought us through another year, and for that, we should be thankful (he didn’t have to wake our trifling behinds up to see another year! It’s only by his grace (giving us good things-rewards-that we don’t deserve), mercy (not giving us the bad things-punishments-that we do deserve), and unconditional love (he loves us despite our faults, y’all! Hallelujah!) that we are still here. Let’s celebrate the goodness of the Lord! Break out the good china (don’t be a dipstick and throw a full plate of spaghetti out the window; that is NOT a flying saucer! That might be grounds for me sticking my foot so far up your behind that you throw up my toenail polish as blood. I’m just saying. Haha), pop the 100% Juicy Juice (this is a kid-friendly post. I’m determined to be a good Carletta. Haha), show your family and friends some love (non-creepy hugs and kisses for everyone!), and have a good time (no shenanigans, though. Haha)!

 

Speaking of having a good time, who knows how to get the party started better than our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ? This brings us to the first miracle that Jesus performed while here on Earth: turning water to wine.

 

As we enter the 2nd Chapter of John, here’s the skinny (that’s slang for “here’s what’s going on.” Haha): Jesus, his disciples (his twelve best friends, y’all! His homies! His homeboys! His dawgs! His road dogs! His home skillet biscuits with butter and jelly on top! His Day Ones! His partners! His pals! His buddies! His ride or dies! His glorified gangstas! His…sorry. Haha), and Jesus’s mother, Mary, have been invited to a big wedding in Cana of Galilee (love is in the air! I guess Joseph was out of town on business. Haha). While everyone is eating, drinking (Capri-Suns!) and being merry, the party guests suddenly run out of wine.

 

Jesus’s dear mother, Mary, asks Jesus to please fix this little problem (Mary knew that Jesus was the Lord and Savior of the world, the man who would die on the Cross for our sins (bad things that we say, do, don’t do, and/or think, that God doesn’t like), that if we would trust and believe in him, we would not perish (die in our sins and suffer eternal torment in Hell), but have everlasting life (we’ll be partying with Jesus in Heaven forever, y’all! Aye! Turn up! Ain’t no party like a Holy Ghost party, ‘cause a Holy Ghost party don’t stop! Party over here! Ooh-ooh! Party over here! Ooh-ooh! Haha)), knowing that Jesus had the divine power to do so (Jesus is God in the flesh, y’all! He’s God’s only begotten Son and one-third of the Holy Trinity: God the Father (God Almighty), God the Son (Jesus Christ), and God the Holy Spirit (the Holy Spirit, which lives in our hearts and guides us when we’ve asked Jesus into our lives as our Lord and Savior).

 

Jesus respectfully told his mother that he couldn’t perform such a miracle unless and until his Father, God Almighty, told him to do so. Let’s put a brief pen here. At this point, Jesus was in the middle of his three-year earthly ministry (with his twelve disciples), teaching and preaching about the Kingdom of God. Jesus told everyone that would listen that he was God’s Son, God in the flesh, and that if they would repent of their sins (ask God to please forgive them of their sins and help them to stop sinning) and believe in him (believe that Jesus was who he said he was and listen to/follow him), they would be saved and live with him/God the Father in Heaven forever (they’d live forever in Paradise, y’all! YAAAASSSSS!!!!).

 

While some people immediately believed that Jesus was the Messiah (the Lord and Savior of the world that the Bible-God’s Holy Word-had promised them would come), many others were skeptical. Who did Jesus think he was?! What made him so special?! Why should they believe that he (a poor carpenter’s son and a lowly carpenter himself (Mary and Joseph’s baby boy!)) was the Lord and Savior of the world?! Jesus hadn’t done anything special to prove that he had been sent down from Heaven…that is, until now.

 

Once God the Father gave Jesus the royal cue (go get ‘em, Son!), he performed the first of several miracles he’d perform while on Earth: turning water to wine. Mary told the servants to listen to Jesus and do whatever he said, and they did just that (they didn’t give him or her any lip! That’s right, boy! Know your place, scrub! Bumping your gums gets you NOWHERE! Haha). Jesus noticed six stone water pots sitting nearby (which had been used for ceremonial washing and which each held 20 to 30 gallons of water in them), and he told the servants to fill all six pots to the brim (to the very top) with water, which they did.

 

Jesus next told them to pour a cup of the liquid courage and take it to the director of the feast (who taste tested all the food and drink to make sure that it was safe and suitable for the bride and groom to eat/drink. No trying to poison anyone, Sallie Mae! No giving them the cheap stuff either. Haha) to drink. The servants did as Jesus had directed them to, and when the director of the feast tasted the liquid (which Jesus had miraculously turned to wine), he started jumping for joy at how good the wine tasted! This was the best wine that he had ever tasted! This was Grade-A, top of the line, premier, cream of the crop, God-sent (both literally and figuratively. Haha) glory in a cup (everything that God touches is gold, Bruh! I take that back. Everything that God touches is DIAMOND! Worlds better than gold!)!

 

Jesus has just performed a miracle! Jesus has just performed a miracle! Jesus has just turned some plain-Jane water into delicious, smooth, sparkling, great-tasting wine…without breaking a nail or a sweat (he’s God in the flesh, y’all! He’s the A1 boss! The Don! The Bomb.com! The best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be (no offense, Bret Hart fans. Don’t throw your Hitman shades at me. Haha))! The people now have their wine, they’re feeling fine, and they’re having a great time! Jesus has saved the day and the wedding party (like anyone is surprised. Haha)! More importantly, however, Jesus has just proven that he is God in the flesh-only God would be able to perform such a miracle (either through he himself or by God empowering someone else to perform such miracles. Either way, it’s not happening without God! Haha).

 

Jesus’s disciples witnessed this great miracle and knew that Jesus was God and the Lord and Savior of the world; Jesus’s popularity soared (he gained followers by the thousands, y’all!), and the haters started hating (they had a permanent STANK face, y’all! Their stank faces matched their stank attitudes! Be gone, trolls!). Little did everyone know, however, that Jesus’s miracle of turning water into wine was only the beginning (Hip-hip, hooray! Hip-hip, hooray!).

 

I absolutely love this story, y’all! Jesus is God in the flesh and the Lord and Savior of the world. Jesus just proved how Godly he truly is, and there is plenty more where that came from! You all know what time it is! I’ve been waiting to do this for SO LONG! It’s a new year, new beginnings, and it’s time for some BRAND NEW REMIXES!!!! I wonder how this story would have played out had it happened today? Let’s find out! Without further ado, grab your party hats, your hot chocolate and your Snuggies, and let’s get to remixing! NOTE: I will be utilizing modern-day language, technology, and ways of living in this story, as we’re picturing this happening today.

 

Ain’t No Party Like A Holy Ghost Party!

By: Carletta Traylor aka C.N.

Biblical Reference: John 2:1-11 (KJV)

*Chicago: Love is in the air, y’all! Demarcus and Tynika are getting married (at the fancy-schmancy Condesa Del Mar), and everyone is invited to the wedding (get your hot wings and dancing shoes ready! They love to eat and boogie down until the sun comes up! Kiddies, that means a 9:30pm bedtime for you. Haha jkjkjk…sort of. Haha). Look at this list of party guests: Jesus of Nazareth (the Lord and Savior of the world, y’all! Look at that HEAVENLY tux he’s wearing?! No one is as smooth as Jesus is (no one has the moves or the groove that he has either! He’s walking on water and dancing on air! Michael Jordan, Michael Jackson and LeBron James, meet the REAL-and one and ONLY-King!), Jesus’s 12 disciples (Simon Peter, his brother Andrew, James, John, Philip, Bartholomew, Matthew, Thomas (who is SALTY because the Bears were destroyed by the Falcons and missed making the playoffs for the 5th year in a row! Can we PLEASE get rid of Trubisky?!?!?!?!?! He is GARBAGE! I’m sorry, y’all. I got a little sidetracked for a minute. Haha), James (son of Alphaeus), Simon the Zealot, Judas (son of James), and Judas Iscariot), and Jesus’s mother, Mary, among other guests.

Demarcus and Tynika are having a LIT wedding party (they’re determined to burn off all those Twinkies and Ho-hos, y’all! Get down, now! Get down, now! Get down, now! Show me what you’re working with!), but they’re all out of wine (oh, the HORROR! Haha. Please forgive me, y’all. Y’all know that I’m a clown. Haha). What will they do? Where will they go to get more wine? All of the stores are closed, Uber and Lyft have ended all deliveries for the night, everyone is out of wine at home, and although Uncle Sampson owns an entire wine cooler, he lives 3 hours away, and no one has time for that (they’re not waiting 3 hours for wine! Haha).

Jesus’s mother, Mary, asks Jesus to please rectify the situation. Mary knows that Jesus is God’s Son, God in the flesh, and the Lord and Savior of the world. She knows that he has God the Father on speed dial and that he can perform wondrous miracles. Jesus responds to his beloved mother in kind*

Mary: Hey, Son. Demarcus and Tynika are out of wine, and they don’t know how they’re going to replace it before the party ends. All of the stores are closed, Uber and Lyft stopped making deliveries an hour ago, no one keeps wine in their houses anymore (unless you’re Uncle Sampson, and we’re just going to leave that one alone. Haha), and everyone is getting testy (they better settle down and chew it over with Twix. Haha). May I ask if you could please do something about this?

JESUS CHRIST: Mother, you know that I love you and would die for you (Haha, I see what he did there), but I can’t perform any miracle that my Father (referring to God the Father/God Almighty, not his earthly father, Joseph. Sorry, Joe. Haha) hasn’t instructed me to perform. If he tells me to get it cracking and bring forth new wine, then, and only then, will I act on it.

Mary: I understand, Son. I’ll make sure that the kitchen staff doesn’t give you any trouble.

*Mary goes into the kitchen and tells the staff to do whatever Jesus tells them to do. They don’t make a fuss about things (they didn’t run that mouth and get POPPED in it! Get smart with me again! Haha jkjkjk Please forgive me, Lord! Please help me, Jesus! Haha), but simply agree to follow Jesus’s lead. Smart men…smart men. Haha*

JESUS CHRIST (he is now in the kitchen, he has closed the door connecting the kitchen to the banquet hall-so no one can see him-, and he instructs the kitchen staff on what to do): Ladies and gentlemen, thank you all so much for your hard work today. The food is delicious, the drinks have been divine, and everyone is having a great time. I will see to it that the hosts pay you all extra, and I’ll throw a little *something-something* into the mix as well. Here is what I want you all to do. Take those 6 empty pots on the stove and fill them to the top with water. Please be careful not to spill any water on the floor.

Kitchen Staff (in unison): Yes, Sir! We’re on it! *They proceed to fill the six pots with water*

JESUS CHRIST: I want one of you to scoop out a big cup for the taster, Lucas, to try; he’s dying for a sip of that sweet liquid courage.

Keith (member of the kitchen staff): I’ll take it to him right now, Jesus!

JESUS CHRIST: Thank you very much, kind Sir.

*Keith gives Lucas a cup of what he thinks is still water, only to be amazed by Lucas’s reaction to sipping the drink*

Lucas (he’s the taster and the groom’s older brother. He’s very protective of Demarcus and Tynika, and he wants to make sure that no one tries to poison them or give them cheap, knock-off, Dollar store quality wine on their big day (no offense, Dollar store! Haha). He’s a big boy; he’ll take one for the team. Haha): I knew that you all were saving the best wine for last! This is the tastiest, smoothest wine I’ve ever had in my life! Where were you all hiding this?! How much did you all pay for this?! This is top of the line wine right here! I KNOW that this cost you all a pretty penny! Demarcus, Tynika and the guests are going to LOVE this! God bless you all!

*Jesus has just performed a miracle, y’all (I believe in miracles! *Break it down, now!* I believe in miracles!)! Jesus has just turned six pots of hot water into the best tasting wine EVER! This is just the first of several miracles that Jesus would perform while on Earth, proving to everyone that he is, always has been, and always will be God’s Son, God in the flesh, and the Lord and Savior of the world! Jesus’s 12 disciples, along with the members of the kitchen staff, immediately believed that Jesus was who he said he was! They’re in the presence of GOD! Let’s BOOGIE!*

 

I hope that you all enjoyed my modern-day remix of today’s story (I know that I did! Haha)! Before I go, I’d like to briefly explain how we all can become saved (party with Jesus in Heaven forever, y’all!). Becoming saved is as simple as ABC:

 

·   Admit that we’re sinners, and ask God to please forgive us of our sins (bad things that we say, do, don’t do, and/or think, that God doesn’t like) and help us to stop sinning (Please clean me up, Lord! I’m hot garbage, dipped in excrement, sprinkled in chitling grease on the inside (just STANKY!)!).

·   Believe that Jesus Christ is God’s son, that he died on the Cross for our sins, that he rose from the dead (3 days later) with all power in his hands, that’s he’s back in Heaven with God Almighty right now, and that he’s coming back to get his children (take all believers home with him to Heaven) and to judge/destroy this wicked world.

·   Commit ourselves to following Jesus Christ (listen to him and live for/like him forevermore).

 

When we do this, Heaven will be our eternal home, y’all! I can’t wait to see you all there! If there be nothing else, Happy New Year, everyone! I’d like to make a toast (with an ice cold Pepsi. Haha)-here’s to a closer relationship with God (through our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ), our families, our friends, our communities, and this entire world in 2021. May God bless and prosper us in 2021; may we not want or worry for a thing. I love you all, God bless you all, and I’ll see you all on the next one!

 

-Carletta