Belshazzar: The Writing’s On The Wall!
By: Carletta Traylor aka C.N.
I’m sure that we’ve all heard the saying “the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree” before. This is just a fancy way of saying that children tend to copy the behaviors of their parents once they become adults-monkey see, monkey do (put your fiery fingers of fury down! I’m not calling you all monkeys, dipsticks or dingbats! I’m simply saying that children tend to, but not always, do what their parents do, whether good or bad. Just calm down! Haha).
If you’ve come from a good family (and your parents have the sense of a graham cracker), you tend to have good examples to follow-your parents are God-fearing people (we love you, Jesus!), they treat everyone with love, kindness and respect, they help the poor, so on and so forth. If you’ve come from a “not so good” family, however (call the po-po, Yo! These fools have lost their ever-loving minds! Please forgive me, Lord. Please take the wheel, Jesus. Haha), you may not have the best examples to follow-robbing banks and driving Uncle Bill’s monster truck into the side of the guest house is NOT a smart idea. Children tend to do what their parents do, but what happens when the Slurpee of Stupid skips a generation, trickling down from grandfather to grandson? This brings us to the story of Belshazzar in the Bible.
If you all will recall from my previous posts, Nebuchadnezzar Fears Statues! and Nebuchadnezzar: The Wacky Wildebeest!, Nebuchadnezzar was a terrible king of Babylon (that drizzling dipstick was the epitome of the cruel, ruthless, God-hating, Satan-loving (that lava-loving loser!), greedy, power and money hungry, tyrannical weasel of a leader), and he never gave God Almighty (the Father of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ) the love, reverence (respectful fear) or credit that he deserved (Nebu actually thought that he was the reason for his own success-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That delusional doofus! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!).
Long story short, God taught Nebuchadnezzar a lesson (he humbled that boy, y’all!) by 1) taking his kingdom away from him (no more being the king of the Babylonian Empire for you!), 2) making him go crazy, 3) causing Nebu to flee human society and live in the woods (the wilderness) for 7 years (this clown actually grew hair as long as eagle feathers, his fingernails and toenails grew longer than bird claws (you’ll poke someone’s eye out with those things!), he had a beard longer than every male member of the Duggar family combined (just…wow. Haha), and he ate grass like the animals did (no more filet mignon and caviar for you!)), and 4) allowing this to happen until King Nebuchadnezzar realized that NO ONE was greater than God (you better recognize, son!), that God was in control of this entire world (he controls everyone and everything), that God calls the shots (bang! bang!), and that God should be worshipped and praised at ALL TIMES (Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! Thank you, Jesus! God is good!).
Nebuchadnezzar learned his lesson, he recognized God’s power, and he changed his tune from that point on (GOOD! As I said in my previous posts, his old tune was HOT GARBAGE! TRASH! MANURE! NUMBER 2! NO GOOD!). You would think that Nebu’s family would have learned from his mistakes and made better choices moving forward (and realized that you DON’T play with God. God ALWAYS wins, y’all!), but NOPE! Roughly 10 years after Nebuchadnezzar’s death (he died in 562 B.C. (562 years before Jesus Christ’s earthly birth)), his grandson, Belshazzar, became the king Babylon. As hard as it may be to believe, Belshazzar was an even WORSE king than his grandfather, Nebuchadnezzar, was (I’m not kidding! That man was an entire cheeseburger (or for my vegans out there, a tofu burger) short of a Happy Meal. Haha). Let’s briefly break this down.
During Nebuchadnezzar’s reign as the king of Babylon, he looted (destroyed) the Lord’s Temple in Jerusalem and took all of the sacred gold and silver vessels of the Lord from there-a HUGE no-no (you don’t steal God’s divine vessels and get away with it! Eat grass, CHUMP!). Nebuchadnezzar never used the vessels for his own personal use, however; he never poured anything in them or drank from them in any way (doing that would be like giving God the middle finger (kids, if you don’t know what the middle finger means, ask your parents, don’t laugh, and DO NOT, and I repeat, DO NOT do it or use it in ANY WAY! That is all. Haha). Nebuchadnezzar simply stored the vessels in the temple of Babylon, as a way to show his “power” (you keep thinking that, peasant!).
In the 5th Chapter of Daniel, King Belshazzar decided to throw himself a party just because (Look at me! I’m a flaming moron (he drank an entire jug of moron’s milk with his Frosted Flakes this morning, y’all! Just look at it rolling down his chin! You DISGUST me! Haha), I think I’m so special, I have an ego the size of China, and I want you all to tell me how pretty I am! Let’s eat, drink (100% Juicy Juice) and be merry!). As the party was heating up, Belty the Bonehead and his buddies did the UNTHINKABLE:
Daniel 5:3-4 (KJV)-Then they brought the golden vessels that were taken out of the temple of the house of God which was at Jerusalem; and the king, and his princes, his wives, and his concubines, drank in them. They drank wine, and praised the gods of gold, and of silver, of brass, of iron, of wood, and of stone.
Oh, no they didn’t (oh, yes they did!)! Grandpa Nebu might have taken the sacred golden vessels out of the Lord’s Temple in Jerusalem, but Belshazzar did something that even his braindead grandfather never did: he drank from God’s holy, pure, divine golden vessels…while worshipping fake, phony, fraudulent, second-rate, impostor “gods” (the only true God is God Almighty, who loved us so much that he sent his only begotten Son, Jesus Christ, to die on the Cross for our sins).
Why don’t you just spit in God’s face and tell him how much you hate him, Belshazzar?! You, Sir, are a worthless piece of monkey trash! I take that back! STANK trash (I’m talking hot, steamy, smelly, bubbling, fly-infested, faint-causing trash!) is a TRILLION TIMES BETTER than you are!!! How dare you blaspheme the Holy Spirit (blasphemy against the Holy Spirit, which is the act of insulting or showing absolute hatred/contempt for God, God’s sacred objects, or someone/something considered divine and sacred (connected to God, and someone/something that should be loved, cherished, honored, respected and/or revered), is the unforgiveable sin. God will NOT forgive anyone who commits blasphemy against the Holy Spirit, meaning that said person will burn in Hell forever)! I don’t need to calm down this time (BUMP giving me a Snickers! I’m not a little loopy because I’m hungry! I’m allergic to stupidity, and Belty the Braindead Butthead has me breaking out in hives right now!!!!!)! You’re on your way to HOTlanta, and I don’t mean the good one!!!!
Belshazzar just committed blasphemy against the Holy Spirit, and that was the last straw for God, y’all! Suddenly, a floating man’s hand (it was literally a floating hand. It was not attached to anyone’s arm, body or anything, y’all!) appeared on the wall and wrote a message to Belshazzar in a foreign language (even more foreign than Spanglish, y’all! I’m just saying! Haha). Belshazzar was scared to death by this (he was scared “you know what”-less, y’all! I sense warmer undies. Haha): he just saw a floating hand write a message to him, he couldn’t understand the message, and he became so frightened that his knees started knocking!
Belshazzar immediately asked his braindead buddies (the so called “wise men” of Babylon-the astrologers, soothsayers and Chaldeans-all of which were (and still are) evil, wicked, lost people; they are NOT psychics, they are NOT of God, and they WILL lead their listeners/followers to destruction) to interpret the message on the wall (what does it mean?! What does it mean?!), but none of them could (you’re KIDDING?!?!?! You mean to tell me that those Fruit Loop-loving losers (no offense to anyone who likes Fruit Loops cereal. I love that cereal. It’s just an expression. Haha) couldn’t read God’s mind and tell Belshazzar what God’s message meant?! I am SHOCKED (sense my sarcasm. Haha)!).
Belshazzar promised to give the person who could read and interpret the message a scarlet robe (a sign of royalty), a chain of gold (for the neck), and this person would become the third ruler in the Babylonian Empire (behind Ren and Stimpy, apparently. Haha). Too bad, so sad! His Nimrod Brigade couldn’t read or interpret the message on the wall! Belshazzar’s wife, the Queen, suggested that he call on Daniel (Danny! It’s our buddy, Dan! How are you doing, buddy?!?!?!)-Daniel was a true man of God (he followed the one and only true God, and he successfully interpreted both of Grandpa Nebu’s dreams in the 2nd and 4th Chapters of Daniel) to read and interpret the message. Belshazzar took the Queen’s suggestion to heart, and he brought Daniel before him.
Belty the Buster promised to give Daniel what he had promised to give his “wise men” for reading and interpreting the message-a scarlet robe, a gold chain, and he would become the third ruler in Babylon. Daniel, being faithful to God and not willing to sell out for or be bribed by money and things, refused to accept these gifts (much like he and his friends-Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego-had refused to eat and drink Grandpa Nebu’s meat and wine in the 1st Chapter of Daniel), but he would interpret the message on the wall.
Daniel proceeds to tell Belshazzar what the dealio is (here’s what the message means, Belty): he discusses Grandpa Nebuchadnezzar’s reign-God gave Nebu power and majesty that made all nations, people and languages fear him; Nebu could kill whom he wanted to kill, and if he wanted someone to live, he or she would live. All of Nebu’s power came from God, but when Nebu became cockier than a rooster on Sunday morning and refused to acknowledge God for all of his great things (and great life), God took Nebu off of his throne and humbled him (that boy was an UGLY wildebeest, y’all! He made Chewbacca seem good looking! Oh, the horror! Haha).
Daniel goes on to say that Belshazzar was aware of what happened to his grandfather, yet he had not humbled himself, he had not asked God to forgive him of his sins (bad things that he said, did, didn’t do, and/or thought, that God didn’t like), and he had done what even his grandfather wasn’t crazy enough to do: he drank wine from God’s holy, divine, sacred golden vessels, which were NEVER to be drank out of, while he and his buddies worshipped fake, phony “gods.” The phrase that the hand wrote on the wall, “Mene, Mene, Tekel, Upharsin,” means the following:
Daniel 5:26-28 (KJV)-This is the interpretation of the thing: Mene; God hath numbered thy kingdom, and finished it. Tekel; Thou art weighed in the balances, and art found wanting. Peres; Thy kingdom is divided, and given to the Medes and Persians.
You’re going to die, Belshazzar! For being a blasphemous PUNK (and for sticking your head so far up your own behind that you could give yourself a colonoscopy; how does last night’s dinner smell?), Babylon is going to be invaded and conquered by the Medes and Persians (no more Babylonian Empire! The Medo-Persians will kick yallz behinds, chew bubble gum, and ask questions later! Let the Medo-Persian Empire begin (just as Daniel said it would when he interpreted Nebu’s dream in Daniel, Chapter 2)!), and Belshazzar will be killed.
Belshazzar was numb (I would be too if I had just heard that devastating news. Haha), yet he fulfilled his promise to Daniel: he gave our main man, Dan, a scarlet robe, a golden chain, and Daniel became the third ruler in the kingdom (Daniel didn’t need that hot garbage. Haha). God didn’t take long to take care of business, either! That very night, the Medes and Persians attacked and conquered Babylon (ending the Babylonian Empire and establishing (beginning) the Medo-Persian Empire), Belshazzar was killed (ding-dong, the dipstick is dead!), and Darius the Median became the ruler of the kingdom, at the tender age of 62 (that man was a spring chicken! I love it! Haha).
I absolutely love this story! God created this entire world and everything in it, including us, in 6 days (1st Chapter of Genesis-the first book and first pages of the Holy Bible). God controls this world and everything/everyone in it; every good and perfect gift comes from God and God alone, NOT from ourselves, our own efforts, or someone/something else. Let us always praise and worship God; let us always give God the credit that he so rightfully deserves. If we don’t, things could get ugly VERY quickly. Haha.
I love to end my posts by explaining how we all can become saved (we’ll be partying with Jesus in Heaven forever, y’all! Aye! Turn up! Ain’t no party like a Holy Ghost party, ‘cause a Holy Ghost party don’t stop! Party over here! Ooh-ooh! Party over here! Ooh-ooh! Haha).
Being saved is as simple as ABC:
· Admit that we’re sinners, and ask God to please forgive us of our sins (bad things that we say, do, don’t do, and/or think, that God doesn’t like) and help us to stop sinning (Please clean me up, Lord! I’m hot garbage, dipped in excrement, sprinkled in chitling grease on the inside (just STANKY!)!).
· Believe that Jesus Christ is God’s son, that he died on the Cross for our sins, that he rose from the dead (3 days later) with all power in his hands, that’s he’s back in Heaven with God Almighty right now, and that he’s coming back to get his children (take all believers home with him to Heaven) and to judge/destroy this wicked world.
· Commit ourselves to following Jesus Christ (listen to him and live for him forevermore).
When we do this, we will have a GLORIOUS life to look forward to when we die (Jesus will raise us from the dead (he’ll even take some of us while we’re still alive!), we’ll go with him to Heaven, we’ll live in a BIG OL’ mansion, we’ll walk the streets of gold, we’ll have more food, fun and family than we could ever imagine, there will be no more pain, suffering, sadness/anger, sickness, disease, death or stress in ANY way, and it will last (and we shall live) FOREVER! *cue the Dexter laugh* I can’t wait to see you all there!
Given the length of today’s article, I will not do a modern-day remix of it (never fear, though! I’m still not THAT trifling! The modern-day remixes will make their return in the New Year!). I have instead included a wonderful video from Sharefaith Kids, which explains the story of Belshazzar beautifully (it’s so cute!).
Sharefaith Kids-Writing On The Wall-Daniel 5 (YouTube):
I hope that you all enjoyed today’s post (I know that I did. Haha)! Until next time, I love you all, God bless you all, and I’ll see you all on the next one!