By: Carletta Traylor aka C.N.
Have you ever talked to someone, and the moment he or she spoke, you just knew that he or she was full of it (that’s a ridiculously STUPID question, Carletta! Of course we have!)? We’re talking about those ingrates, I mean, individuals, who have their Master’s degrees in Bullcrappery-they can’t help but to spew hot, false garbage from their diarrhea holes. We unfortunately live in a world where people try to get over on one another through lies and deception, and while some poor souls are bamboozled (hoodwinked!), others see through the foolishness, have developed an allergic reaction to nonsense, and proceed to break out in hives immediately (you’re not Drew Brees, clown! Liar, liar! Pants and footballs on fire! Hives everywhere, and this Benadryl is about to expire!).
While we may be able to fool one another once in a while (depending on how crafty of a liar you are. Haha), we’ll NEVER be able to fool God (Nice try, clown! Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! Thank you, Jesus! God is good!). Given that today is Day#2 of my “Are These Dudes Nuts?!” series, let’s take a look at one of the most wicked prophets in the Bible, the buttwipe himself, Balaam.
In the 22nd Chapter of Numbers, the Moabites (the nation that gave us that oversized oompa loompa, King Eglon) didn’t like the fact that God’s chosen people, the Israelites, were living so close to them. This scenario is a bit of a role switch-in my previous post, Ehud: The Pudgy Pinata Popper!, God allowed the ruthless King of Moab, King Eglon, to rule over Israel (God’s people), due to Israel’s disobedience (can you all NOT tick God Almighty off for one minute, please?!). Here, the Moabites are afraid of Israel-God had used Moses to help free the Israelites from Egyptian slavery (Pharaoh is a LOSER!!!!!), the Israelites had molly whopped the Amorites (they beat the brakes off of those boys! They were kicking carcass and taking names! Haha), and the Israelites (being the God-led, fierce warriors that they were) were coming after the Moabites (in the words of Goldberg, “Moabites?! You’re NEXT!” Haha).
The King of Moab at the time, Balak, was scared to death of the Israelites (I sense warmer undies! I’m not a big kid now!), and as such, he asked a wicked prophet, Balaam (his name is too close to “Baal,” so we already know that he’s an evil piece of trash. Haha That fake, phony, second-rate “god” worshipping ingrate. As I’ve mentioned a time or two before, the only true God is the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, who sent his son, and our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, to die on the Cross for our sins), to curse the Israelites-he wants to “jinx” the Israelites so that the Moabites can defeat them in battle (WEAK!).
Here’s the crazy thing-Balaam won’t curse God’s people unless he asks God for permission first (dear God, I know that the Israelites are your chosen people, and you love them and all, but we hate their guts and want to destroy them. Is that alright? Please let me know, in your darling son, Jesus’s, name, and for his sake, Amen.).
UNSURPRISINGLY, God tells this moron that he does NOT have permission to curse the Israelites, and he instructs Balaam to NOT return to King Balak. Balaam ignores God’s warnings, goes back to Balak anyway, and tells him that God won’t allow him to curse the Israelites (YOU’RE KIDDING?!?!?!?!). Balak (that flaming piece of toe fungus) tries to bribe Balaam with silver and gold to go with him and his mindless minions (I mean, men) to curse the Israelites anyway. God speaks to Balaam during the night and says the following:
Numbers 22:20 (KJV)–And God came unto Balaam at night, and said unto him, if the men come to call thee, rise up, and go with them; but yet the word which I shall say unto thee, that shalt thou do.
God tells Balaam that he can go with Balak and his men if called upon, but he’s to only do what God himself has told him to do; bump what that buster, Balak, has to say! The following morning, Balaam gets on his donkey (referred to as an “ass”-I’m not swearing! Calm down! Haha) and goes with the Scum of the Earth Society (the princes of Moab) to curse the Israelites. God stops Balaam in his tracks, as one of his angels appear on the road, sword in hand, ready to pounce on any sucka that dare tries it. Haha. At first, only Balaam’s donkey can see the angel, as it keeps veering off of the path (as if it had a little too much eggnog. Haha jkjkjk The donkey ran into the field, crushed Balaam’s foot into the wall, and everything!), and Balaam keeps beating it (just beat it (beat it!)! Beat it (beat it!)! No one wants to be defeated! Sorry. Haha) to get it back on track (spank its’ behind to get it to walk straight).
After Balaam beats his donkey a third time, the donkey begins to speak to Balaam (you heard that right folks! The…donkey…TALKED! Dr. Doolittle ain’t got NUTHIN’ on God Almighty-you might be able to talk to animals, pal, but God can talk to animals, bushes, water, wind, and everything else! BOOYAH! Bow down to the King! Haha). Donkey Doolittle asks Balaam the following question:
Numbers 22:28 (KJV)–What have I done unto thee, that thou hast smitten me these three times?
Balaam responds in the following manner:
Numbers 22:29 (KJV)–Because thou has mocked me: I would there were a sword in mine hand, for now would I kill thee.
The donkey retorts in kind:
Numbers 22:30 (KJV)–Am I not thine ass [donkey], upon which thou has ridden ever since I was thine unto this day? Was I ever wont to do so unto thee? And he said, Nay.
Am I the only one wondering why Balaam didn’t freak out when his donkey started talking to him?! He just nonchalantly had a conversation with his DONKEY (he’s such an “ass.” Haha), explaining that he had beat it because the donkey was “embarrassing him” (you embarrassed yourself, idiot. God was using the donkey to prove a point), saying that he would have killed the donkey, had he had a sword in hand, and not having a good response to the donkey’s point that it had never disobeyed Balaam before.
At this very moment, God opened Balaam’s eyes, Balaam saw the Lord’s angel standing in the way, and the angel explained to Balaam that he had no right to beat his donkey, that God had sent him (the angel) to stop Balaam because he was on a reckless and destructive path (to curse the Israelites), that his donkey had seen (and turned away from) him three times, and that had the donkey not turned away, he (the angel) would have killed Balaam, but would have spared the donkey’s life (HAHAHAHAHA! God’s angel just put you on blast and roasted your life like chestnuts on an open fire, Balaam! Nimrod! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!).
Balaam immediately bowed down, fell flat on his face (you better bow down, you little PUNK! Haha), and he repented of his sins (he asks God to forgive him of (and help him to turn away from) his sins-bad things that we say, do, don’t do, or think, that God does NOT like). The angel tells Balaam to go back to Balak, but only say and do what God tells him to say and do (and that’s an order! Haha I love it!). Balaam humbly agrees.
God instructs Balaam to continue on to Moab, but instead of cursing the Israelites, he is to bless them (grant them well wishes, fool! Haha). Balaam seemed to be on fire for God-he was building altars to God, making sacrifices (bulls/oxen, rams) to God, praying to God, delivering messages from God to Balak (Balak had his widdle feelings hurt when Balaam refused to curse, but instead blessed, the Israelites. Wah! Wah! Wah! Why are you saying nice things about the Israelites and wanting them to be happy and successful in battle (do you want them to kick my rump, Balaam?! Do you?! Do you?! Do you?!)?! Wah! Wah! Wah! Why do the Israelites get to be fierce warriors, stomping mud holes in people’s backsides (and walking them dry!), and receiving God’s favor, protection, and blessings?! You’re supposed to be wishing harm upon them, Balaam!!!! What’s the matter with you?! Wah! Wah! Wah! Call this baby a WAMbulance! Give him a blanket and some warm milk while you’re at it. Haha).
Tic-tac-toe, three blessings in a row! Once Balaam had blessed the Israelites three times, Balak had had enough (like anyone cares what that dipstick thinks!) of these blessings, and he DEMANDED that Balaam curse the Israelites at once! Balaam would not curse the Israelites, but did exactly the opposite: he told Balak that the Israelites would SMACK up the Moabites, CRACK up the Shethites and Kenites, and destroy the people of Edom, Seir, Amalek, and anyone else who gets in Israel’s way (can the church say Amen?! Haha)! Balak throws a temper tantrum and makes an absolute monkey out of himself (ooh-ooh! Aah-aah!), and the two men go their separate ways. This isn’t the last that Balaam will hear from Balak, however (*cue the dramatic music*-DUN! DUN! DUN!).
In the 25th Chapter of Numbers, we see that Balak has managed to sink his evil claws into Balaam and has turned Balaam back to the dark side (NO! Why would you go back to worshipping Baal, you brain-dead peasant?! Please forgive me, Lord. I get a little loopy when I’m hungry. *Grabs a Snickers* Haha). Someone clearly kicks Balaam in the head, he re-loses the sense of a bat that God had just given him, and suddenly wanting Balak’s second-rate money and promises of power afterall, Balaam begins to indirectly curse Israel.
How does he do this, you ask? Balaam begins to encourage the Israelites to live in sin (KNOWING that God Almighty will not be happy about it), specifically 1) pushing the Moabite women to sleep with (have sexual relations with) the Israelite men (get your heads out of your pants!!!!!!) and 2) causing the Israelites to once again begin worshipping false (FAKE!) gods, to the dishonor and disgrace of God Almighty (I sense another Israelite wipeout coming. Haha). As punishment for their disobedience, God allowed a great plague (sickness and disease) to hit Israel, killing 24,000 Israelites in total.
Way to go, Israel! God had delivered you all from Egyptian slavery, allowed you all to defeat the Canaanites in the battle of Jericho, and this is how you repay him?! Even worse, Baalam, you worthless piece of monkey crap (for the kiddies, we’ll say “monkey trash.” Haha), you turn your back on God Almighty (after he knocked you on your behind and had your DONKEY TALK TO YOUUUU!!!!!!!!), show that you haven’t truly changed, continue to worship Satan, money, and power, and indirectly curse the Israelites into a plague that kills 24,000 of them!!!!!!! Can I run Baalam over with my car and throw him off of a cliff?! Please?! Please?! *Please forgive me, Lord. Please take the wheel, Jesus. Haha.*
Balaam thought that he had played God (thought is the key word. You can’t play God! He knows what we’re going to say, do, or think BEFORE we say, do or think it! Even Muhammad Ali (float like a butterfly, sting like a bee, baby!) couldn’t box with God…he’s GOD!!!), but God was just setting him up for his ultimate demise. Balaam would die a brutal and embarrassing death at the hands of the Reubenites when they attacked Moab-that boy was on his knees, begging for his life, and *CHINK!* Off with his head and neck! The dipstick is dead! The dipstick is dead! Ding-dong, the dipstick is dead! God had had enough of that clown’s foolishness. Hahahahahaha.
As we can all see, trying to play with God gets you nowhere. Balaam pretended to repent of his sins, went through the motions of showing reverence to God Almighty, but in all actuality, he was still the same evil, wicked, Baal/Satan-worshipping loser that he had always been. Though he betrayed Israel and coaxed them into living in sin, which led to the plague and their demise, God already knew how he was going to deal with Balaam (God’s gon’ get you! God’s gon’ get you! Haha)-Balaam died the same way that he lived, as only half a man.
This donkey story MUST have a modern-day remix, y’all (only the interactions between Balaam, his donkey, and God (through the angel on the road to Moab))! I wonder how this story would have played out, had it happened today? Let’s get BUSY! NOTE: I will be utilizing modern day language, technology, and ways of living in this story, as we’re picturing this happening today.
By: Carletta Traylor aka C.N.
Biblical Reference: Numbers, Chapter 22
*That weenie of a Moabite King, Balak, is afraid of the Israelites-God had used Moses to help free them from Egyptian slavery, and they had completely EMBARRASSED the Amorites (one of the Moabites’ enemies) in battle. King Balak knows that the Israelites are coming for them (and he doesn’t like how close the Israelites live to the Moabites), and in an attempt to stop Israel from tearing up some serious Moabite tushy (kicking that BEEEEE-hind. Haha), King Balak asks one of his evil prophets, Balaam, to curse Israel. Balaam must get God’s permission first (WOW. Haha), and let’s just say that God has other plans for Balaam and Israel*
Balaam (in “prayer” to God Almighty): Dear God, let’s just address the elephant in the room. I don’t like you, and you don’t like me (erm, God loves everyone, but he hates our sin and wants us to repent (ask for God’s forgiveness and turn away from our sins)). I worship Baal, I have Satan on speed-dial, and I’m geeked (excited) for the Devil’s Disco next weekend (he bought plaid bell bottoms and everything, y’all!). Here’s the thing: I know that the Israelites are your homies and all (his buddies! His road dogs! His Day Ones! His pals! His friends!), and you like to help and protect them, but King Balak and I don’t want them destroying us Moabites in battle. Is it ok if I curse the Israelites? Not like swear word cursing, but more like evil, black magic, voodoo cursing? Please let me know, in your darling son, Jesus’s, name, and for his sake, Amen. *Wow, that “prayer” was trash. Haha*
GOD ALMIGHTY: Dear Balaam, you misguided miscreant of a man (OK, maybe God wouldn’t say that. I’m just adding a little modern-day touch to it. Haha), my people are blessed, and they shall remain so. I will not allow anyone to curse my people, and you do NOT have permission to wish ill will upon them. As a matter of fact, you are going to bless my beloved Israelites. Get your chapstick ready, pucker up, and bless my Israelites at once. One more thing…do not go back to Balak.
Balaam: AWWWW, MAAAANNNNNNNNNN!
*Balaam does not listen to God Almighty, goes back to King Balak anyway, and tells him that God has not given him permission to curse the Israelites, but to bless them. He (Balaam) cannot do anything that God has not given him the green light to do (too bad so many drivers nowadays don’t follow that principle. SMH Haha)*
King Balak: OK, Balaam, you’re saying that God won’t allow you to curse the Israelites. I don’t want the Israelites to turn my beautiful buttocks into rawhide-what if I promise to pay you $1,000,000 (one million dollars!), sell you my beach house for $20 (what?! The roof is probably about to cave in. Haha), and buy you a new car? Would you then be willing to curse those ingrate Israelites?
Balaam: Sorry, King. God told me “no can do.” God told me to bless the Israelites, and if I don’t listen to him, I might wake up with my hands and arms reversed (that’s so not cute. Haha). As far as I’m concerned, the Israelites are good with me, and you might have to get used to wearing Depends to cushion your raw gluts.
King Balak: Forget you, man!
*King Balak sends his entourage to try to talk Balaam into going with them to curse the Israelites, but Balaam isn’t going-Naw, bruh. I’m good. Haha. Balaam refuses to go with the Moab princes, he’s not going to curse the Israelites, and there isn’t anything that King Balak or anyone can do about it. That night, while Balaam is sleeping, God speaks to him in his dreams.*
GOD ALMIGHTY: Balaam, if Balak and his men try to convince you to accompany them to Moab to curse my people, I give you permission to go. HOWEVER, you will only say and do what I tell you to say and do…nothing more, nothing less.
*The following morning, Balaam gets up, gets ready for the day (he showers (he was STANKING), shaves, combs his hair, gets dressed), and decides to take his donkey to Moab. He has a car, but his sticker has expired, and he doesn’t want to risk getting pulled over by the cops before his new one arrives in the mail. Haha. While he’s on his way to Moab, God stops him in his tracks*
-An angel of the Lord suddenly appears in the middle of the street, bright as all day, and holding both a sword and an AK-47 in his hands-this is The Avengers and The Godfather all wrapped into one! Haha. Only Balaam’s donkey can see the angel, and it proceeds to weave in and out of traffic, nearly knocking Balaam to the ground, onto the hood of someone’s car, or into a tree or ditch somewhere. Balaam spanks his donkey three times to get him to SNAP OUT OF IT! After the third spanking, Balaam’s donkey begins to speak to him (eat your heart out, Dr. Doolittle! Haha).
Donkey: Man, why do you keep hitting me?! I haven’t done anything to you! I only let my wife spank my bottom, and that’s for a completely different reason (HAHAHAHAHAHAHA You go ahead with your bad self, Donkey! Hahahahaha).
Balaam (somehow not shocked that his DONKEY is talking to him. Haha): I keep hitting you because you keep embarrassing me! You keep weaving in and out of traffic, like you’ve had too much to drink (he does love his happy juice. Haha), and you’re about to get us both killed! If I had my gun on me, I would have shot you!
Donkey: Haven’t I always been loyal to you? Have I not always been here for you, always taken you where you needed to go, and never made a fuss about it, even when you fed me that hot garbage you call barley and sugar beet pulp? Have I ever turned my back on you?
Balaam: No you haven’t.
*At this very moment, God Almighty opens Balaam’s eyes, he sees the angel standing in the middle of the street, he drops to his knees and falls on his face, and he repents*
Angel of the Lord: Why have you beaten your donkey, Balaam? The donkey hasn’t done anything wrong. God sent me to stop you, because you’re on a reckless and destructive path right now-it DISGUSTS me! Your donkey saw me three times and rightly got out of the way; had it not stopped, I would have killed you in cold blood (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Balaam’s a loser! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA)…but I would have spared its’ life.
Balaam: Dear Heavenly Father, God Almighty, I’m sorry. I’ve sinned against you, and I’m terribly ashamed. Please forgive me for all of my sins, please help me to do better, and please help me to live for you forevermore, in the mighty name of Jesus Christ I pray, Amen.
Angel of the Lord: Go with Balak’s men, but only tell them what I tell you to tell them. Don’t play with me, boy.
Balaam: Whatever you say, my Lord.
*Balaam went back to Balak, and he only did what God instructed him to do…at least for now. Haha*