Jesus Knows What You Did Last Summer!

By: Carletta Traylor aka C.N.

Extra! Extra! Read all about it! We’re all a bunch of filthy, dirty, nasty, disgusting, bottom-feeding, trash bag sinners of the worst kind (well GOOD MORNING to you too, Carletta! Haha). I hate to burst anyone’s bubble, but we’re all guilty of committing sin. Sin refers to the things that we say, do, don’t do, or think, that God doesn’t like (God loves us, but HATES our sin), that dishonors or disrespects God (how dare you!), and that separates us from God (God is perfect and holy in all of his ways; he can’t look upon sin. When we sin, we put a wall between ourselves and God the size of China; that’s a lot of wall! Haha).

 

I’ll be devoting an entire article to sin, and BOY, will I get flack for that one! It’s cool, though! I have bulletproof faith and courage; I can handle the shots. I’m here to speak God’s truth, regardless of who might become offended by it. If anyone has a problem with what I say in that article, take it up with God! I’m just the messenger. Haha. I’m covered in the blood of Jesus Christ, Bruh! What you want to do?! Haha. I’m a ride or die chick! I’m a rough rider for the King (all hail, King Jesus, BABY!!!!!!). God’s Word is here to stay. Haha.

 

Given that we’re all sinners, how can some of us be so petty? Some of us walk around here like we’re so special, like we’re so great, like we don’t make mistakes, like we’re not trifling sinners, and like our “you know whats” don’t stink (we DISGUST me! Haha). God doesn’t have a hierarchy of sin-all sin is the same to God (telling a little white lie is as bad as murdering someone in God’s eyes). As such, we should never think that we’re better than anyone because we sin differently than he or she does (get off of your high horse, clown! Haha); please proceed to take your head out of your behind immediately (your head was so far up your own keister, you were giving yourself a colonoscopy. Got poop? Haha). We are ALL sinners; we ALL need God’s forgiveness (through the blood of our Lord and Savior, and God’s son, Jesus Christ); we’re ALL only here by God’s mercy and grace; we ALL need to get our acts together. Haha.

 

With that being said, we’re going to visit a Samaritan woman who thought too highly of herself, and needed to be brought back down to size (you small peasant, you! Jesus loves you! Haha). Let us explore the story of Jesus and the Samaritan woman in the Bible, shall we?

 

In the 4th Chapter of John, Jesus is in the middle of his three-year earthly ministry-teaching and preaching about the Kingdom of God. Jesus’s twelve disciples (His dawgs! His road dogs! His homies! His homeboys! His ace boon coons! His entourage! His buddies! His pals! His Day-Ones! His friends! His followers!) are at his sides, baptizing the people (the unwashed, filthy, disgusting, sinful masses. Haha) in the name of all that is holy and pure. Jesus and his boys went from Judea to Galilee; while they were in Samaria, Jesus sat at Jacob’s well to rest-he was WORN OUT! They had been walking around in the hot sun ALL DAY (without comfortable shoes, sunscreen, sunglasses, cold water, or portable fans, y’all! They were struggling!), and they needed some rest!

 

A Samaritan woman came to draw water from the well (that’s right, kids! In those days, you couldn’t just ask your parents to buy you a $0.99 bottle of water from the store; you had to do actual work to get water. Haha), and Jesus asked her to give him a drink of water.

 

The Samaritan woman responded to Jesus as follows:

 

John 4:9 (KJV)-Then saith the woman of Samaria unto him, How is it that thou, being a Jew, askest drink of me, which am a woman of Samaria? for the Jews have no dealings with the Samaritans.

 

Is this woman stupid, or is she just dumb?! God in the flesh, God’s son, the Lord and Savior of the world, the man who came to Earth to die for our sins, Jesus Christ, just asked for you a drink of water, and you refuse to give it to him because he’s a Jew, and you’re a Samaritan? Can I backhand her, please?! Please?! Please?! Pretty please with sprinkles, M&Ms, and a cherry on top?! During these times, the Jews and Samaritans couldn’t stand each other (like Bears and Patriots fans can’t stand each other. I’m kidding! I’m kidding! Don’t get your panties in a bunch! Jesus Christ is love, we are to love everyone, and I’m going to lead by example! Hallelujah! Haha), and their absolutely pointless rivalry caused them to act like idiots toward each other (more so than usual. Haha).

This woman responded to Jesus’s question with more sass than the Kardashians, to which Jesus replied in kind:

 

John 4:10 (KJV)-Jesus answered and said unto her, If thou knewest the gift of God, and who it is that saith to thee, Give me to drink; thou wouldest have asked of him, and he would have given thee living water.

 

That’s right, Lord! Who does this moron think she’s talking to? You’re not talking to some common Jew (no offense to my lovely Jewish brothers and sisters. Haha); you’re talking to the Lord and Savior of the world! Had the Samaritan woman realized whom she was talking to, she would have given Jesus a drink of water, would have saved all of that lip for a lollipop, would have humbled herself quicker than the Bulls humbled the Bad Boys in the 90s (it’s all love, Detroit. Haha), and would have been DYING to serve Jesus! Since she was a flaming ignoramus, she didn’t want to give Jesus any water, she began to question how Jesus would get water without a bucket (or something!) to catch it with, and she asked Jesus if he thought he was better than Jacob, whom had given them said well (DUH!!! If only this doofus knew, y’all. Haha).

 

Jesus explained to the woman that those who worshipped his Father (God Almighty) and believed in/followed him (Jesus) would receive living water (eternal life in Heaven). When we drink regular water (such as the water that was in the well), we’ll become thirsty again; when we drink of God’s living water, we’ll never be thirsty for A THANG again! Hallelujah! Haha. The Samaritan woman, still not taking Jesus’s words seriously, jokingly asked him to give her some of this living water. Jesus, being the smooth Savior that he is, decided to prove who he was and tell this woman about herself (Oh boy! Get the popcorn and soda ready! This is about to be good! Haha).

 

Jesus asked the woman to go get her husband, and she noted that she didn’t have a husband (with that attitude, I can see why you don’t! Men don’t have time for that! Haha jkjkjk). Jesus made the following statements:

 

John 4:17-18 (KJV)-The woman answered and said, I have no husband. Jesus said unto her, Thou hast well said, I have no husband: For thou hast had five husbands; and he whom thou now hast is not thy husband: in that saidst thou truly.

 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Jesus just called this clown out for her “extracurricular activities!” She was way too friendly with random men, had unholy sexual encounters with every Tom, Dan, and Harry with a pulse, and was known as the neighborhood floozy (kids, I’m just using that word for educational purposes. Don’t go around calling people that. Haha). The Samaritan woman was SHOCKED (that girl was SHOOK!)! How did Jesus know that?! Had he been watching her?! Did he have friends or family that enjoyed after-school sports?! Jesus is God! He knows everything! He knows what we’re going to say, do, and think before it happens!

 

The woman, realizing that Jesus had to be special to know those things about her, called him a “prophet” (getting warmer, but NO. Haha). She went on to say that God should be worshipped in Jerusalem, Jesus explained what it meant to truly worship God (in spirit (in our minds, hearts and souls) and in truth (Jesus himself, God in the flesh)), the woman said that she knew that the Messiah-the Christ-would be coming to save the Jews, and Jesus dropped the bombshell of the century (and the ages, for that matter! Haha): Jesus told the woman that he, Jesus CHRIST, was the Messiah (that’s right! All hail, King Jesus! All hail, King Jesus!)!

 

As soon as Jesus revealed his true identity to the Samaritan woman, his disciples came over and asked Jesus why he was talking to her (you all better watch your mouths! Jesus is Lord! You all follow him! It’s not the other way around, dipsticks! He doesn’t have to explain himself to y’all! Who the flip are y’all to question Jesus?! Calm down, Carletta! Eat a Snickers. You get a little loopy when you’re hungry. Haha). The woman immediately left them (left her waterpot and everything! Haha), went into the city, and began to tell the others about Jesus! This man knew how much of a trifling tart I was! He told me everything that I’ve ever done, and then some! Jesus is the Christ! Jesus is Lord! Jesus is the Messiah! Jesus is our Savior! Jesus has come to save us! Come see him for yourselves!

 

With this, many Samaritans came to know and accept Jesus as their Lord and Savior! The Samaritan woman went from sleeping with men to trying to help save them! Won’t God do it?! God can change and save anyone, y’all! As I love to say, coming to Jesus and receiving eternal life is as simple as ABC:

 

Admit that we’re sinners (and ask God to please forgive us of our sins and help us to stop sinning);

 

Believe in the Gospel of Jesus Christ (believe that God sent Jesus into the world, that Jesus died on Calvary’s cross for our sins, that God rose Jesus from the dead three days later (with all power in his hands), that Jesus went back to Heaven with God Almighty, that Jesus is sitting at God’s right hand in Heaven right now, and that Jesus is coming back to take his children home to Heaven with him (the true believers) and to judge/destroy this sinful, evil world);

 

Commit ourselves to following Jesus (follow him the rest of our lives, that we will see Heaven one day! Ain’t no party like a Holy Ghost party, ‘cuz a Holy Ghost party don’t stop! Party over here! Ooh-ooh! Party over here! Ooh-ooh! Haha).

 

I love this story! I feel a tingling in my bones, and I can’t fight this feeling anymore! I feel a modern-day remix coming on (yeah, BUDDY! Haha)! Without further ado, grab a snack, pop a cold one (cold Juicy Juice for the kiddies and everyone under the age of 21! Haha), and let’s get BUSY! NOTE: I will be utilizing modern-day language, technology and ways of living in this story, as we’re picturing this happening today.

 

Jesus Knows What You Did Last Summer!

By: Carletta Traylor aka C.N.

Biblical Reference: John 4:1-30 (KJV)

*Jesus and his disciples have been teaching and preaching about the Kingdom of God (from Judea to Galilee, baby! We’re taking this show on the road! Haha). While Jesus’s disciples are baptizing the dirty heathens and trying to make them clean, Jesus goes to Jacob’s Well Gas Station & Eatery to rest and buy a cold drink-he and his homeboys have been walking around in the hot sun all day, he’s wearing K-Swiss of all shoes (no offense, K-Swiss lovers! I think that they’re TRASH! Haha), they’ve run out of water and sunscreen, their visors have seen better days, and Jesus’s sunglasses just broke for no reason at all. Our Lord and Savior needs a break! Haha. The woman at the gas station sees Jesus, and things take a very interesting turn.*

JESUS CHRIST: Excuse me, Ma’am. How much are the waters? I only need one. My boys are with me, but I can easily multiply one bottle into more than enough for everyone (he’s just raw like that! The man is GIFTED! Haha).

Woman At The Gas Station: I’m sorry, Sir. I just noticed that you’re wearing a How Jew Doing? T-shirt, and we don’t do business with Jewish people. I’m a Samaritan, and this is a Samaritan gas station. If you want water, you’ll have to go down the street to Jimmy’s Jewish Jambalaya & Fish (stop being such an anti-Semitic a-wad!). They’ll give you all of the water that your Jewish heart desires (just so rude. Haha)!

JESUS CHRIST: With all due respect, Ma’am, if you understood who I was, you would gladly sell me a bottle of water, a bag of chips, or anything else that I asked for. If you had asked me for water, I would’ve given you the best living water that money can’t buy.

Woman At The Gas Station: Sir, you don’t even have the right currency to buy water here. We only take shekels and U.S. dollars here; we don’t take Yen (Yahweh’s Everlasting Naira (Nigerian currency)). Your money’s no good here. I’m sorry.

JESUS CHRIST: What I have is for everyone, Ma’am.

Woman At The Gas Station: Did you not hear me, Sir?! We don’t accept Yen! You cannot pay for anything in this gas station with Yen. Your money’s NO GOOD here. Please show yourself the door, proceed to turn right, and go to Jimmy’s Jewish Jambalaya & Fish-they’ll be able to help you.

JESUS CHRIST: What I have, everyone needs.

Woman At The Gas Station: Do I need to call the police to get you out of here, Sir (OH NO! It’s the PO-PO! Here come the men in blue…)?! Who do you think you are?! The King of the world (as a matter of fact, he is. Haha)?! If Jacob himself (the founder of Jacob’s Well Gas Station & Eatery) couldn’t buy anything in here with Yen (liar, liar! Pants on fire! He could easily just change the rules and use Yen. Haha), you can’t either! Do you think that you’re better than Jacob?!

JESUS CHRIST: You don’t understand, Ma’am. If anyone drinks this bottled water, he or she will be thirsty again in an hour (especially in this scorching heat! I’m melting over here! Is that a blob of chocolate ice cream on the sidewalk? Nope! That’s just Carletta. Just keep walking! She’s fine! She’s just captivated by the craftsmanship of the concrete. Haha). If anyone drinks from the living water that I have, however, he or she will never be thirsty again. I’m the permanent thirst quencher.

Woman At The Gas Station: *being a sarcastic dipstick* Please give me some of your living water! I don’t want to be thirsty ever again! Hahahahahaha.

JESUS CHRIST: Where is your husband, Ma’am?

Woman At The Gas Station: I don’t have a husband (you’ve got that right! What man in his right mind would want to put up with THAT everyday?! Haha.).

JESUS CHRIST: You’re right, Ma’am. You don’t have a husband. The man that’s sleeping in your bed right now is not your husband. The last 5 men that have been in your bed over the past week-Josiah, Trevor, Damon, Ken and Sam-also weren’t your husbands. You’re just an especially friendly woman with members of the male persuasion, aren’t you? *HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Jesus just treated her life! He knows about your trips to Magic Mountain, Lucy (Oh, Lucy?! You’ve got some ‘plainin to do!)! You are NASTY!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!*

Woman At The Gas Station: How did you know that?! I’ve never seen you before a day in my life! How did you know how many there were, their names, when they came to my house, everything?! Who are you?! Have you been following me (God is everywhere, you flaky tart! He doesn’t need to follow you or spy on you!)?! You must be a prophet (you’re still clueless, Betsy! Haha). My people and I worship the one and only true God (HAHA! That’s a good one!), and we firmly believe that God should be worshipped in Jerusalem.

JESUS CHRIST: You can only worship the one true God in spirit (with our full minds, bodies, and souls) and in truth (by believing in God’s son, the Lord and Savior of the world, Jesus Christ).

Woman At The Gas Station: I know that the Messiah, the Christ, is coming to save us all. He will tell us everything that we need to know (he’s right in front of you, nitwit!).

JESUS CHRIST: Ma’am. My name is Jesus Christ; I am the Messiah.

*The woman was in SHOCK, y’all! She had the STANK FACE and all! Jesus was the Messiah?! The Savior of the world was standing in her gas station, talking to her?! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! As soon as Jesus dropped the biggest bombshell EVER, his disciples met him at the gas station*

Jesus’s Disciples: Jesus! There you are! We were wondering what had happened to you! Why are you here, though? Why are you talking to this woman? Her kind can’t stand people like us.

JESUS CHRIST: Her kind, like ALL kind, NEED people like us.

*The woman at the gas station immediately runs out of the store, drives away in her broken down Pinto like a maniac, and tells everyone about Jesus! Jesus Christ is Lord! Jesus Christ is Lord! The Messiah is here! The Savior has come to save us! He told me about myself in the REALEST of ways! I need to stop being a sinful, trifling tart! Go see him for yourselves!

Thousands of people came to the gas station to see Jesus, and thousands of people believed that Jesus Christ was the Lord and Savior of the world! Win! Jackpot! Big money! Ding! Ding! Ding! You all are correct! God is a miracle worker! He turned loose Linda into saintly Suzy, y’all! God can change anyone, y’all! Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! Thank you, Jesus! God is good! Holy Ghost party time! Ain’t no party like a Holy Ghost party, ‘cause a Holy Ghost party don’t stop! Party over here! Ooh-ooh! Party over here! Ooh-ooh! Haha.*

I hope that you all enjoyed today’s article! I certainly did. Haha. Without further ado, I love you all, God bless you all, and I’ll see you all on the next one!

-Carletta