Jonathan: Daddy, Stop Being Mean To My Friends!

By: Carletta Traylor aka C.N.

All of my BFFs in the house, stand up (please don’t hop up like a raging maniac; I don’t need anyone breaking anything. Haha jkjkjk)! We all have best friends (whether it be your spouse/boo thang, classmate, or the ice cream man), and we enjoy spending as much time with them as possible (if any of you don’t have a best friend, Jesus and I will be your best friends!)! In the words of Barney (in a non-creepy, “I want to shoot you out of a cannon because you’re too close to me” kind of way, “I love you, you love me, we’re a happy family; with a great big hug, and a kiss from me to you, won’t you say you love me too?!?!” Jesus and I love you!). When we have a best friend (or best friends for you popular studs and studettes out there!), we want our families to like them as much as we do (Mom! Shelley is AWESOME SAUCE! You HAVE to meet her!!!!).

 

What happens, however, when our parents can’t stand our best friends and want to get rid of them with the quickness? This brings us to the story of Saul wanting to kill David in the Bible.

 

In the 19th Chapter of 1 Samuel (in the Holy Bible-God’s Holy Word, y’all!), here’s the dealio (that’s slang for “here’s what’s going on”): Saul is the King of Israel (Saul is Israel’s very first king! The Israelites are God’s homies! His homeboys! His pals! His partners! His peeps! His buddies! His ace boon coons! His Day Ones! His home skillet biscuits with butter and jelly on top! His-sorry. Haha), God’s anointed King, and God Almighty (the Father of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ) has instructed Saul to kill the wicked Amalekites in battle (waste those fools, man! Dump those CHUMPS!) and destroy all of their possessions (those BUSTERS!).

 

Saul disobeys God’s command, however, 1) sparing (keeping alive) the best sheep, cattle, fat calves (excuse me, the proper term is “big boned.” Haha), and lamb, as well as 2) sparing King Agag’s life because captured kings were considered prized trophies of war (you all DISGUST me! I don’t need you clowns parading that wild orangutan around (Agag’s name is fitting; looking that exotic wildebeest in the face made me want to gag indeed. Please forgive me, Lord. Y’all know that I need help. Haha)).

 

Due to Saul’s disobedience (this was the final straw in a long list of mess-ups on Saul’s part), God took his favor away from Saul and gave it to David (i.e. God decided right then and there that David would become the next King of Israel, and God gave David great skills and abilities to be used for his (God’s) glory-get lost, Saul! Being a disobedient dipstick gets you nowhere!). If you all will recall from my previous post, I Eat Giants Like You For Breakfast!, David killed Goliath (Goliath was a GIANT, y’all! That ugly, 10-foot ogre (no offense, Shrek fans. Haha) was flattening people like pancakes with his grape-stomping feet left and right! He was the original “Big Foot.” David killed Goliath with a slingshot and a few stones; he hit that big loser right between the eyes! Bullseye! WHAM! DOINK! Ding-dong, the doofus is dead!).

 

The Israelites couldn’t believe what they had just witnessed! David just killed Goliath! David just killed Goliath! Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! Thank you, Jesus! God is good! David’s a hero! The Israelites threw David a huge victory parade (we’re talking the Chicago Cubs winning the 2016 World Series after 108 years of NOTHING levels of excitement, y’all! I still love you, White Sox fans. Haha), and the Jewish women (while dancing) sang, “Saul has slain (killed) his thousands, and David has slain  (killed) his tens of thousands.” The Israelites made a bigger deal out of David’s single victory against Goliath than they had ever made out of Saul’s THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS of victories.

 

Saul became incredibly angry and jealous (who does David think he is?! I’m the flipping King of Israel! I’ve slain more people than he could ever dream of! How dare these braindead morons (his words, not mine. Haha) throw him a party!!! Where’s my parade?! Where’s my celebration?! Where’s my song?! Where’s my cake and ice cream?!)-David was becoming too popular for Saul’s liking (David was the real “People’s Champion;” step aside, Rock!), and Saul felt threatened (what if this weenie tries to take my place as the King of Israel?! Er, it’s a little late for that, Saul! God has already anointed David as the next King of Israel! You might as well shut it all the way up and sit it all the way down! You can’t do anything about it!).

 

At this very moment, Saul plotted to kill David.

 

Saul told his son, Jonathan, and all of his servants, that they should kill David. There was a slight problem, though: Jonathan LOVED David! They were BFFs (best friends forever! If you’re a guy, please feel free to say that in a more manly way. Haha), and Jonathan didn’t want to hurt his good friend! Instead of helping his father to send David up to Jesus early, Jonathan instead warned David that his father was trying to kill him. 1 Samuel 19:2-3 (KJV) notes the following:

 

1 Samuel 19:2-3 (KJV): But Jonathan Saul’s son delighted much in David: and Jonathan told David, saying, Saul my father seeketh to kill thee: now therefore, I pray thee, take heed to thyself until the morning, and abide in a secret place, and hide thyself. And I will go out and stand beside my father in the field where thou art, and I will commune with my father of thee; and what I see, that I will tell thee.

 

That’s a real friend for you! Jonathan warned David that Saul was trying to kill him, told him to go hide, and promised David that he would come back and tell him everything that the crazy old man wanted to do to him (so David could plan ahead and make a run for it! Run like the wind, Bullseye!). When Jonathan talks to his father, Saul, he convinces the decrepit dingbat to not kill David->Daddy?!?!?!?!?! What are you doing?! Why are you trying to kill David?! He hasn’t hurt you or done anything bad to you in any way, shape or form! He has been nothing but good to you, and he doesn’t deserve to die! I love you, and I mean this in the nicest way possible, but you’re a raging maniac! You either need to take your medication now, apologize to Mom for whatever you did, or step down as the King of Israel immediately! You’re off of your rocker! I love you. Haha.

 

While all of this was going on, the Israelites battled the Philistines (Goliath was on #TeamPhilistinesForever, and the Philistines wanted payback against David for killing Goliath). God had his hand on David, however, and as such, David defeated the Philistines in battle (he slaughtered those fools, y’all! He completely EMBARRASSED them!), and he proceeded to run away from Saul and his minions (and I don’t mean the cute, cuddly kind from the Despicable Me movies, either. Haha).

 

Here’s the kicker, though: David actually came before Saul to play his lyre for him (similar to a harp, but slightly different); David was a gifted musician, he enjoyed playing music, and he had played his lyre for Saul numerous times in the past. Even now, knowing that Saul wanted to kill him (in this particular instance, Saul actually sat in his seat with a javelin/spear in his hand, planning to kill David with it during the performance), David fulfilled his duty to entertain Saul-David knew that God was watching over him, y’all! Haha.

 

Saul suddenly tried to kill David with his spear (he tried to throw the spear at David’s face and pin him to the wall, but David ducked and ran for cover (that boy was so quick, Usain Bolt would’ve been eating HIS dust!)). Angered by David’s escape (BUMP your anger, you unfunny clown!), Saul hired a group of hitmen to go to David’s house and kill him, but David’s wife, Michal (who is Saul’s daughter! Way to try to kill your own son-in-law, Saul!), warned her husband that he would be killed if he didn’t get out of there. As such, Michal helped David to escape out of the window, and she took a statue, put it in their bed, put clothes/cover on it, and put some goat hair at the top of it to look like human hair-she would tell the hitmen that David was “sick” (That’s my girl! Helping her man at all costs! Aye! Haha).

 

When the guards arrived to the house, Michal told them that David was “sick,” they returned to Saul empty-handed, Saul told them to bring David to him in his bed, so that Saul could kill him, they returned to David’s house, and they received a nice surprise when they went in (I love surprises!). The Butthead Brigade did not find David, but instead discovered the statue wrapped in covers and goat hair-they’ve just been duped! Okie-doked! Bamboozled! Punk’d (where are you, Ashton Kutcher?! Haha)! When Saul asked his daughter why she lied to him and his guards, Michal lied and said that David had threatened to kill her (David loved Michal and would never say or do such a thing; she had to say anything to get the guards off of her back. Haha). With this, the guards left David’s house, and David was now staying in Ramah with Samuel.

 

Saul couldn’t get enough of the cat and mouse game (of course he couldn’t! He’s a fungus-infested toe rag!), and he ONCE AGAIN sent hitmen after David. Saul sent one group of men after David, but once they ran into Samuel and a group of prophets prophesying (telling the people about the Kingdom of God and warning them to repent of their sins (ask God to please forgive them of their sins-bad things that they say, do, don’t do, and/or think, that God doesn’t like-and help them to stop sinning), God touched them-and they began prophesying too! When Saul found out, he sent another group of men after David-but the same thing happened (they ran into the prophets, God touched them, and they began prophesying as well!)! Saul thought that the third time would be the charm (that lava-loving loser was WRONG! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!), but when the third group of men went after David, they began prophesying as well!

 

Once Saul realized that his men could not get to David, he himself went after David (if those worthless hacks can’t find David, I will!!!!!). As Saul was searching for David in Ramah, God touched Saul (God’s Spirit overtook him, y’all!), and Saul began to prophesy as well (HOT DOG! Where’s the ketchup?! Haha)! Saul didn’t just prophesy to the people, however; the man was so overwhelmed by God’s presence that he actually took all of his clothes off (he was naked, y’all! EWWWW!!! Haha) and laid in the middle of the street all night…naked and prophesying! Let me say that again: a naked King Saul is laying in the middle of the street and prophesying about the Kingdom of God! Oh my gosh!

 

I absolutely love this story! When God shines his mercy (not giving us the bad things-punishments-that we deserve), grace (giving us good things-rewards-that we don’t deserve) and favor on us, he was take care of us, give us everything that we need (and some of the things that we want, if they’re good for us and in his will for us to have), and will surely protect us. God favored David, and as such, he blessed David with great musical and fighting ability, anointed him as the next King of Israel, as well as protected him against Saul and his guards (Saul’s own children-Jonathan and Michal-defended David and helped him to escape their father’s wrath). When we obey (listen to) God and put him first in our lives, there isn’t a thing he won’t do for us!

 

I always like to end my posts by explaining how we all can become saved (party with God Almighty and Jesus Christ in Heaven forever, y’all! Aye! Turn up! Ain’t no party like a Holy Ghost party, ‘cause a Holy Ghost party don’t stop! Party over here! Ooh-ooh! Party over here! Ooh-ooh! Haha). Becoming saved is as simple as ABC:

 

·   Admit that we’re sinners, and ask God to please forgive us of our sins (bad things that we say, do, don’t do, and/or think, that God doesn’t like) and help us to stop sinning (Please clean me up, Lord! I’m hot garbage, dipped in excrement, sprinkled in chitling grease on the inside (just STANKY!)!).

·   Believe that Jesus Christ is God’s son, that he died on the Cross for our sins, that he rose from the dead (3 days later) with all power in his hands, that’s he’s back in Heaven with God Almighty right now, and that he’s coming back to get his children (take all believers home with him to Heaven) and to judge/destroy this wicked world.

·   Commit ourselves to following Jesus Christ (listen to him and live for/like him forevermore).

 

When we do this, we’ll be living in our mansion on high and walking the streets of gold! I can’t wait to see you all there!

 

Given the length of today’s story, I will not do a modern-day remix of it. Never fear, though (I’m not that trifling!)! I have instead included a wonderful video from The Holy Tales: Bible that explains Saul’s failed attempts to kill David beautifully. I hope that you all enjoy it! If there be nothing else, I love you all, God bless you all, and I’ll see you all on the next one!

 

The Holy Tales: Bible-David Hiding From Saul (YouTube):

 

-Carletta