I Eat Giants Like You For Breakfast!
Ah. After getting down with our bad selves in my last post, King David: Royal Rump Shaker (https://jesusbedtimestories.com/king-david-royal-rump-shaker/), it made sense that we should delve deeper into one of David’s greatest feats, which was defeating that oversized nimrod, Goliath. In 1 Samuel 17: 1-58, we see that the Nation of Israel was called to fight the Philistinian army, who was ready for war (I don’t know about you, but I love a good fight scene!). David was the youngest of Jesse’s 12 sons (take that, Brady Bunch!), all of whom went to fight….except for David. The Philistinian army had one MAJOR advantage-an over 9ft tall giant named Goliath, who, for 40 days, made his way to the front of the Philistinian battle line and mocked the Israelites and God Almighty (you DON’T mock God and get away with it); King Saul and the rest of the Israelites were intimidated by Goliath and didn’t attempt to do anything to him (you’ve officially revoked your man card, King Saul….just kidding…somewhat). David heard about the hot garbage that Goliath was spewing from his diarrhea hole (his filthy mouth), and told King Saul that he, David, would fight Goliath, with just his sling and 5 stones. We can all imagine how much Goliath laughed his head off at the thought of little David, who probably looked like an ant compared to Goliath, actually thinking he could take this giant out; but David would have the last laugh. With the power of God behind him, David made the following statements to Goliath on the battlefield in verses 45-47:
1 Samuel 17:45-47 (KJV): Then said David to the Philistine, Thou comest to me with a sword, and with a spear, and with a shield: but I come to thee in the name of the Lord of hosts, the God of the armies of Israel, whom thou hast defied. This day will the Lord deliver thee into mine hand; and I will smite thee, and take thine head from thee; and I will give the carcases of the host of the Philistines this day unto the fowls of the air, and to the wild beasts of the earth; that all the earth may know that there is a God in Israel. And all this assembly shall know that the Lord saveth not with sword and spear: for the battle is the Lord’s, and he will give you into our hands.”
That’s right, David! David knew that God Almighty was behind him and Israel’s army, and he was fully confident that God would help him to kill the mighty ogre (hi, Shrek) and defeat the Philistinian army. With this being said, David put one of the stones in his sling and swung one right at Goliath’s big head. Bullseye! David hit Goliath right between the eyes in his forehead, causing Goliath to fall (the bigger they are, the harder they fall). At that point, David took Goliath’s sword, killed Goliath, and cut off Goliath’s head (that’s my kind of gore!). Needless to say, when the Philistinian army saw what little shepherd boy David, with God’s help, had just done to 9ft Goliath, their undies became rather warm (something might have been running down their legs; I’m just saying!) and they ran away, giving the Israelites the victory! Israel wins! Israel wins! David had just killed Goliath, he brought Goliath’s head back to Jerusalem (oh, what a nice trophy you have, David!), King Saul sent for David, David came before King Saul with Goliath’s head in hand, and when King Saul asked David who he was, he simply replied in verse 58: I am the son of thy servant Jesse the Bethlehemite. So humble. Now, you all KNOW that I couldn’t pass this opportunity up! The story of David and Goliath MUST be looked at in the modern day. I present to you all, the modern day story of David and Goliath.
I Eat Giants Like You For Breakfast!
King Saul: I can’t stand Goliath! He’s always talking trash about us, he’s always talking trash about God, and I just wish God would strike him down and shut him up once and for all!
David: Why don’t you call Goliath out, King Saul? There’s only one of him and thousands of us. We can take him!
King Saul: You don’t understand, Son. Goliath is over 9ft tall and has hands the size of my entire body. He’s too big-if I even thought of trying to fight him, he’d squash me like a bug and eat me like a stack of New York style pancakes at IHOP (Momma, I just want to live!). We’re trying to stay away from him at all costs.
David: I’ll fight Goliath! Who does he think he is? You don’t disrespect my God or my people. Where we’re from, those are fighting words! He can either knuckle up or shut up!
King Saul: This is a serious matter, David. Goliath is too big, and you’re going to get yourself killed. Don’t try to play hero. You’re not trying to impress a girl, are you?
David: No, Sir. No girls in mind. With all due respect, need I remind you that God empowered me to kill the lion and bear with my bare hands? God is with us, Sir, and with him, all things are possible. With your permission, I will gladly fight Goliath (now, most people nowadays wouldn’t ask for permission to fight someone, but David was a very respectful young lad, so we’ll just roll with it).
King Saul: Well, you are right about the lion and bear thing; I’m still in awe over that. Okay, David, you may fight Goliath. Do you need my weapons?
David: No, Sir. I have God, I have my slingshot, and I’ll grab a few rocks along the way. I’ll be just fine.
King Saul: Oh, boy. *King Saul proceeds to do a royal facepalm*
David: Oh, Goliath! Yoohoo! I heard that you were talking trash about God Almighty and the people of Israel, and I have a problem with that. We’re going to handle this right here, right now. Be afraid. Be very afraid.
Goliath: *Laughing hysterically* You?! I should be afraid of you?! I let out burps bigger than you. Move around, Junior.
David: I may be small in size, but God is on my side. God is bigger than you ever will be. He helped me to kill the lion and the bear, and he will help me to defeat you. You and your entire Philistinian army shall fall to God Almighty and the Israelites!
Goliath: *Still laughing, not taking David seriously, and speaking sarcastically* Oh, I’m so scared! Please save me, Mommy! The big bad David is going to hurt me! I don’t know what I’m going to do! HELLPPPPPPPP MMMEEEEE!!!!
David: *Being just as cool, calm, and collected, he puts one of the rocks in his slingshot and throws one right at Goliath’s face, aiming right between the eyes!*
Goliath: OUUUUCHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! That hurts!!!!!!!! You little rodent!!!!!! I’m going to kill you!
David: *Proceeds to disarm Goliath, kills Goliath with his own weapon, and cuts his head off to place on his trophy case-he hunts wilderbeast, you know* In the name of God Almighty, and with God’s help, I have killed Goliath (massive cheers from the Israelites)!
Philistinian Army: Hurry up and scatter, everyone! This guy is nuts! He just killed Goliath!!!!! *The entire Philistinian army proceeds to run away, crying and screaming like little girls*
-The Israelites, laughing and rejoicing, run and tell King Saul what just happened.
King Saul: What?!!! David killed Goliath?!! He actually killed Goliath???!!!! We won?!!! My boy! Tell him to come here.
David: Why hello there, King. Do you like my new bobblehead doll (pointing to Goliath’s severed head)?
King Saul: YESSSS!!! Praise God! God is good! Hallelujah! You did it! You killed Goliath! My boy! Who are your people?
David: I’m Jesse’s son. He definitely raised his boys to be men. God helped me to kill Goliath, and now I’m about to kill a big steak right now. You know what I mean?! You know what I’m saying? All of this fighting makes a brother hungry! *Laughing*
King Saul: *Laughing* You enjoy that meal, my boy. You’ve earned it. The next meal is on me. You’ll definitely get aHEAD in life!