I Eat Giants Like You For Breakfast!

By: C.N.

Ah. After getting down with our bad selves in my last post, King David: Royal Rump Shaker (https://jesusbedtimestories.com/king-david-royal-rump-shaker/), it made sense that we should delve deeper into one of David’s greatest feats, which was defeating that oversized nimrod, Goliath. In 1 Samuel 17: 1-58, we see that the Nation of Israel was called to fight the Philistinian army, who was ready for war (I don’t know about you, but I love a good fight scene!). David was the youngest of Jesse’s 12 sons (take that, Brady Bunch!), all of whom went to fight….except for David. The Philistinian army had one MAJOR advantage-an over 9ft tall giant named Goliath, who, for 40 days, made his way to the front of the Philistinian battle line and mocked the Israelites and God Almighty (you DON’T mock God and get away with it); King Saul and the rest of the Israelites were intimidated by Goliath and didn’t attempt to do anything to him (you’ve officially revoked your man card, King Saul….just kidding…somewhat). David heard about the hot garbage that Goliath was spewing from his diarrhea hole (his filthy mouth), and told King Saul that he, David, would fight Goliath, with just his sling and 5 stones. We can all imagine how much Goliath laughed his head off at the thought of little David, who probably looked like an ant compared to Goliath, actually thinking he could take this giant out; but David would have the last laugh. With the power of God behind him, David made the following statements to Goliath on the battlefield in verses 45-47:

1 Samuel 17:45-47 (KJV): Then said David to the Philistine, Thou comest to me with a sword, and with a spear, and with a shield: but I come to thee in the name of the Lord of hosts, the God of the armies of Israel, whom thou hast defied. This day will the Lord deliver thee into mine hand; and I will smite thee, and take thine head from thee; and I will give the carcases of the host of the Philistines this day unto the fowls of the air, and to the wild beasts of the earth; that all the earth may know that there is a God in Israel. And all this assembly shall know that the Lord saveth not with sword and spear: for the battle is the Lord’s, and he will give you into our hands.”

That’s right, David! David knew that God Almighty was behind him and Israel’s army, and he was fully confident that God would help him to kill the mighty ogre (hi, Shrek) and defeat the Philistinian army. With this being said, David put one of the stones in his sling and swung one right at Goliath’s big head. Bullseye! David hit Goliath right between the eyes in his forehead, causing Goliath to fall (the bigger they are, the harder they fall). At that point, David took Goliath’s sword, killed Goliath, and cut off Goliath’s head (that’s my kind of gore!). Needless to say, when the Philistinian army saw what little shepherd boy David, with God’s help, had just done to 9ft Goliath, their undies became rather warm (something might have been running down their legs; I’m just saying!) and they ran away, giving the Israelites the victory! Israel wins! Israel wins! David had just killed Goliath, he brought Goliath’s head back to Jerusalem (oh, what a nice trophy you have, David!), King Saul sent for David, David came before King Saul with Goliath’s head in hand, and when King Saul asked David who he was, he simply replied in verse 58: I am the son of thy servant Jesse the Bethlehemite. So humble. Now, you all KNOW that I couldn’t pass this opportunity up! The story of David and Goliath MUST be looked at in the modern day. I present to you all, the modern day story of David and Goliath.

I Eat Giants Like You For Breakfast!

                                                   By: C.N.

King Saul: I can’t stand Goliath! He’s always talking trash about us, he’s always talking trash about God, and I just wish God would strike him down and shut him up once and for all!

David: Why don’t you call Goliath out, King Saul? There’s only one of him and thousands of us. We can take him!

King Saul: You don’t understand, Son. Goliath is over 9ft tall and has hands the size of my entire body. He’s too big-if I even thought of trying to fight him, he’d squash me like a bug and eat me like a stack of New York style pancakes at IHOP (Momma, I just want to live!). We’re trying to stay away from him at all costs.

David: I’ll fight Goliath! Who does he think he is? You don’t disrespect my God or my people. Where we’re from, those are fighting words! He can either knuckle up or shut up!

King Saul: This is a serious matter, David. Goliath is too big, and you’re going to get yourself killed. Don’t try to play hero. You’re not trying to impress a girl, are you?

David: No, Sir. No girls in mind. With all due respect, need I remind you that God empowered me to kill the lion and bear with my bare hands? God is with us, Sir, and with him, all things are possible. With your permission, I will gladly fight Goliath (now, most people nowadays wouldn’t ask for permission to fight someone, but David was a very respectful young lad, so we’ll just roll with it).

King Saul: Well, you are right about the lion and bear thing; I’m still in awe over that. Okay, David, you may fight Goliath. Do you need my weapons?

David: No, Sir. I have God, I have my slingshot, and I’ll grab a few rocks along the way. I’ll be just fine.

King Saul: Oh, boy. *King Saul proceeds to do a royal facepalm*

David: Oh, Goliath! Yoohoo! I heard that you were talking trash about God Almighty and the people of Israel, and I have a problem with that. We’re going to handle this right here, right now. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Goliath: *Laughing hysterically* You?! I should be afraid of you?! I let out burps bigger than you. Move around, Junior.

David: I may be small in size, but God is on my side. God is bigger than you ever will be. He helped me to kill the lion and the bear, and he will help me to defeat you. You and your entire Philistinian army shall fall to God Almighty and the Israelites!

Goliath: *Still laughing, not taking David seriously, and speaking sarcastically* Oh, I’m so scared! Please save me, Mommy! The big bad David is going to hurt me! I don’t know what I’m going to do! HELLPPPPPPPP MMMEEEEE!!!!

David: *Being just as cool, calm, and collected, he puts one of the rocks in his slingshot and throws one right at Goliath’s face, aiming right between the eyes!*

-WAPOW!

Goliath: OUUUUCHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! That hurts!!!!!!!! You little rodent!!!!!! I’m going to kill you!

David: *Proceeds to disarm Goliath, kills Goliath with his own weapon, and cuts his head off to place on his trophy case-he hunts wilderbeast, you know* In the name of God Almighty, and with God’s help, I have killed Goliath (massive cheers from the Israelites)!

Philistinian Army: Hurry up and scatter, everyone! This guy is nuts! He just killed Goliath!!!!! *The entire Philistinian army proceeds to run away, crying and screaming like little girls*

-The Israelites, laughing and rejoicing, run and tell King Saul what just happened.

King Saul: What?!!! David killed Goliath?!! He actually killed Goliath???!!!! We won?!!! My boy! Tell him to come here.

David: Why hello there, King. Do you like my new bobblehead doll (pointing to Goliath’s severed head)?

King Saul: YESSSS!!! Praise God! God is good! Hallelujah! You did it! You killed Goliath! My boy! Who are your people?

David: I’m Jesse’s son. He definitely raised his boys to be men. God helped me to kill Goliath, and now I’m about to kill a big steak right now. You know what I mean?! You know what I’m saying? All of this fighting makes a brother hungry! *Laughing*

King Saul: *Laughing* You enjoy that meal, my boy. You’ve earned it. The next meal is on me. You’ll definitely get aHEAD in life!

-C.N.

 

14 thoughts on “I Eat Giants Like You For Breakfast!

  1. I am sorry but this style did not resonate with me. I have 15 grandchildren and have told them Bible stories for years.
    Your language does not appeal to me and some of your words I find offensive, perhaps that is the way adults speak to children. I don’t. My language is always polite and clean.
    I do like your heading.
    Sorry if some of my remarks are hurtful but I believe in telling it as I see it.

    1. Thank you so much for your comment, Ronald. While I’m sorry that you feel that my content is offensive, you are completely entitled to your opinion, and I will not try to change that. However, I love Jesus Christ, he is my Lord and Savior, and I want to spread his truth to the world in a way that is fun, enjoyable, understandable, and relatable. I never try to offend or anger anyone with my content, and if I have done so, then I do apologize. I felt that God put this story on my heart, and I wanted to express it in a way that made sense and that everyone, children and adults alike, could understand. I appreciate you taking the time to read my post. God bless you!

  2. Hey, this is a great site. I really like how you imagine this modern day version and right it. Apart from the message in the story, the kids also learn to imagine and that stimulates their creativity. Kids need more and more these type of content now a days i believe. Most of them are just stuck with wired cartoons that has a negative effect in them.
    Good luck with your site and hope you will create more and more stories.

  3. These stories are awesome and you are hilarious! “*King Saul proceeds to do a royal facepalm*”…Lol! I read a few of your posts just now and each are so entertaining! These should be made into cartoons (think Veggie Tales) because kids and grown ups alike would gobble them up. I’m passing your site along to several of my friends with younger kids! Great writing!

    1. Thank you so much, Holly! I really appreciate your kind words (and thank you so much for sharing it with your friends!); I love Jesus, and I want the world to enjoy learning about him as well. God bless you!

  4. It’s always interesting to see your modern-language take on these ancient stories. I think a lot of it is very enjoyable. I can just see Goliath saying those things when he was making fun of David, if he knew about that style of speaking.

    I do find the opening paragraphs to be overly long, and you could benefit from having more than 2 tiny pictures, but other than that it was a good article. I think you did exaggerate how many older brothers David had though. Gotta make it a bigger number if you’re doing it to be funny so it’s obvious.

    1. Thank you so much, Bryce! I completely agree that I need shorter paragraphs, more space in between my paragraphs, more pictures, and I also want to add more videos to my posts as well. I will definitely take your suggestions to heart! God bless you!

  5. What a fun way to read the story of David and Goliath, I really enjoyed it. I want to try to come up with something to say, but I can’t stop smiling from how fun that story was to hear in my head. 😀

    Definitely be reading some more in the near future.

    1. Thank you so much, Greg! I’m glad that the story made you smile! I want that to keep happening! God bless you!

  6. I love this! The way you have made it so easy to understand. Kind of reads from a different perspective. The way you wrote it makes me want to read more. Thank you and keep up the great work.

    1. Thank you so much, Puneet! I love Jesus, I love to laugh, and I love people-why not combine all three for the glory of God? I will definitely keep them coming! God bless you!

  7. The story about David and Goliath has crossed my mind millions of times during my lifetime. I’ve read a book “The Power of Positive Thinking” by late Pastor and Dr Normal V.Peale. He did an awesome job to connect the Bible with modern life. Your stories remind me of that book a little bit. Have you written a book already? I like your style of writing. Keep it up!

    1. Thank you so much, Ivan! I really appreciate it! I have not written a book, but God-willing, that may definitely be in the cards! I want to spread the Gospel of Jesus Christ in a fun and relatable way. God bless you!

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