Not Today, Satan! Temptation

By. C.N. 

Here we go again! I promised myself that I wouldn’t eat that last piece of pie (I’m stuffing my pie-hole like food is going out of style), but I just HAD to have it, DIDN’T I? That little flaky gremlin was calling me, y’all (Eat me! Eat me! You know that you want to! Look at me! Aren’t I so beautiful? Don’t you love me anymore?)! We all deal with a little thing called temptation. Temptation refers to the desire to want to say or do something, especially something that is not wise or is wrong (such as lying, cheating, stealing, using drugs, etc.). None of us are perfect (the only perfect person to walk the face of the earth was Jesus Christ himself), and as such, we sometimes give in to desires that are not good for us (darn you, 3 a.m. apple pie! Haha). When we make a mistake and fall into temptation (which leads to sin-saying, doing, not doing, or thinking something that we shouldn’t), all that we need to do is ask God to forgive us of our sins (be sincere-God knows if we’re full of more bologna than Oscar Mayer), ask Jesus Christ to come into our lives as our Lord and Savior, ask Jesus to take all of the bad stuff out of us (be gone, sin!), and follow Jesus the rest of our lives. When we do this, God forgets all about our sin and gives us a fresh start (do-over! We’re as good as new! Look at that shine?!). If you’re struggling with temptation (don’t put the dog in the dryer; he doesn’t think it’s a merry-go-round. Haha), know that our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, knows what you’re going through; Satan tempted him! Let’s visit the story of Satan tempting Jesus in the wilderness, shall we?

In my last post, “Waterworks! John The Baptist Baptizes Jesus”-> ( https://jesusbedtimestories.com/waterworks-john-the-baptist-baptizes-jesus/), we saw that Jesus’s cousin, John the Baptist, baptized him in the Jordan River. After the baptism, Jesus fasted (no food) for 40 days and nights in the Judean Desert. During the fast, Satan himself (that loser) tried to tempt Jesus to sin (Aye, Jesus! Let me holla at you, player!). Satan thought that he was SO smooth with his deception, first daring Jesus, if he was the Son of God, to turn stones into bread to relieve his own hunger (which would defeat the purpose of the fast-no food-to draw closer to God). Jesus responded as follows:

Luke 4:4 (KJV): And Jesus answered him, saying, It is written, That man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word of God.

We need some steak and potatoes to go with that bread, Bruh! God’s Word (the Holy Bible) provides us with the spiritual meat that we need to live for God, and God will always provide our material needs (food, water, shelter, etc.) if we trust him. Jesus could have easily turned the stones into bread-He’s God in the flesh-but he wanted to fast to draw closer to God Almighty-Satan better back up! Satan didn’t take Jesus’s answer seriously, however, and he took Jesus up on a high mountain, showed him the world, and promised Jesus the world if he would bow down and worship Satan (Satan, you butthead! Jesus doesn’t need your money or houses; he has mansions and land on High in Heaven!). Jesus, being cool, calm, and collected, responded as follows:

Luke 4:8 (KJV): And Jesus answered and said unto him, Get thee behind me, Satan: for it is written, Thou shalt worship the Lord thy God, and him only shalt thou serve.

Right on, Jesus! Jesus told Satan to cut it out, get lost, find his (Satan’s) pride at the bottom of Lake Michigan (why don’t you jump in and drown, Satan?!), and that God Almighty, his Heavenly Father and ours, was the ONLY God he would serve (God over Satan!). Satan obviously thought that he and Jesus were playing tic-tac-toe (three in a row!), and tried to tempt Jesus a 3rd time. This time, Satan led Jesus to a pinnacle of the temple in Jerusalem, and dared him, if he’s the Son of God, to jump from the pinnacle and rely on the angels to break his fall, as it was written that angels would guard and protect Jesus. Jesus, getting sick of Satan’s game playing, responded as follows:

Luke 4:12 (KJV): And Jesus answering said unto him, It is said, Thou shalt not tempt the Lord thy God.

Jesus isn’t falling for your tricks, Satan! You won’t be getting him caught up in any sin or drama (back up, Maury!)! Not today! He’s NOT the one! Satan got the message, tucked his head between his legs (he gave himself a royal wedgie-get your head out of your behind, Satan!), and left Jesus alone for a while (be gone, peasant!). Jesus would then return to Galilee to begin his three-year earthly ministry (teaching and preaching about the Kingdom of God).

Jesus knows what we’re going through, y’all! When we feel that Satan is trying to tempt us to sin, we pray to God and tell Satan to get behind us in the mighty name of Jesus Christ (I rebuke thee, Satan, in the mighty name of Jesus Christ!). Satan is afraid of Jesus, and hearing his name will make him run away like a scaredy cat, wet himself (I sense warmer undies!), and leave you alone (at least for that moment. Haha). God will always take care of his children; we don’t need any stinking Satan or his stinking, phony, second-rate “gifts.” God, through his son, Jesus Christ, gives us the best of the best (the cream of the crop! Creamed corn, anyone? Haha)! As long as we keep our eyes on Jesus, we’ll be just fine! You all know what time it is! Re-re-re-remix!!!! I wonder how things would have played out if this happened today? Let’s get to it! NOTE: I will be utilizing modern-day language, technology, and ways of living in this story, as we’re picturing this happening today.

Not Today, Satan! Temptation.

By. C.N.

Biblical Reference: Luke 4:1-13 (KJV)

*After Jesus’s cousin, John The Baptist, baptized him in the Jordan River, Jesus fasted for 40 days and nights in the Judean Desert. While Jesus was there, he received an unwanted visit from that mischievous moron, Satan*

Satan: What’s up, Jesus?! You look terrible! What happened to you?! Have you been eating, man? Your skin is hanging off of you, man! You look like the skeleton from Frankenstein; that’s not a good look for you. If you’re the Son of God, like you say that you are, why don’t you just turn these stones into bread for yourself? You clearly need to eat, it’s not like you need to get into shape for anyone (you don’t have a woman!), and you’re looking crazy right now. Go ahead and turn those stones into bread for yourself.

JESUS CHRIST: It is written, That man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word of God.

Satan: Well, of course you don’t want to eat just bread by itself; add some peanut butter and jelly to that thang! Grab some bologna, some roast beef, some turkey meat, some cheese, some mayonnaise, some chips, a case of Yoo-hoo, and call it a day! You need to eat, man! I’m pretty sure God didn’t tell you to starve yourself (that would be cruel, man!). Isn’t there a Commandment that says “Thou Shalt Eat Biscuits & Gravy” or something like that?

JESUS CHRIST: No there isn’t. My Father is not starving me; I’m choosing to fast to focus on him and him alone (Satan, you misguided miscreant! Get your foot out of your mouth!).

Satan: Fine. If you don’t want to turn the stones into bread, Son of God, follow me up this high mountain. I want to show you something.

JESUS CHRIST: Very well. Let us go.

*Satan and Jesus proceed up the high mountain*

Satan: Look at all of these kingdoms of the world-just think about how much money, fame, fortune, and power goes into owning these kingdoms?! If you bow down and worship me, Jesus, all of this can be yours. Pledge your allegiance to me, Jesus (skip God!), and all of these kingdoms will be yours. You’ll be the man! I’m talking more ladies than you can handle (Aye! What yo’ name is? That’s such improper English. Haha), and the parties of the century (Party over here! Ooh-ooh! Party over here! Ooh-ooh!)! What do you say?

JESUS CHRIST: Get thee behind me, Satan: for it is written, Thou shalt worship the Lord thy God, and him only shalt thou serve.

Satan: Okay, Okay, You only want to worship God. I get it. Let me show you one more thing, though, Jesus. Let’s take a little road trip to Jerusalem, to a pinnacle of the temple.

JESUS CHRIST: I’m just dying to see what you have for me, Satan. I can’t contain my excitement.

Satan: Cool! Let’s roll! *Satan, you peasant! Jesus doesn’t have time for your foolishness!*

*Satan and Jesus go to Jerusalem, to a pinnacle of the temple*

Satan: Look here, Jesus. If you’re the Son of God like you say that you are, and I know that it’s written that you have angels surrounding you and protecting you at all times, jump off of this pinnacle and have the angels break your fall. Make those rascals lay down for their boy! Go ahead!

JESUS CHRIST: Thou shalt not tempt the Lord thy God.

Satan (frustrated and looking goofy with that egg all over his face): AHHHHHHHH! Fine, Jesus! Fine! You just go back to your little fasting, praying and talking to God. I’ll leave you alone for now, but please believe, like Arnold Schwarzenegger said in Terminator, I’ll be back (Wow! Satan’s impression of Arnold was trash)!

*Satan departed from Jesus (left him alone!), and Jesus returned to Galilee to begin his three-year earthly ministry, teaching and preaching about the Kingdom of God.*

-C.N.