Samson Got A Haircut!

By: Carletta Traylor aka C.N.

Calling all manipulative Monicas! Calling all manipulative Monicas! Let’s face it, ladies; we can be manipulative at times (you all know that it’s true! Don’t try to deny it! Haha). Kids, “manipulative” is just a fancy way of saying that we use our pretty faces, nice smelling perfumes, and compliments to get people to do things for us that they’d never do on their own (name one grown man who CHOOSES to spend 3 hours in the candle store on a Friday night because those snickerdoodles are “to die for.” YOU CAN’T NAME ONE! THEY DON’T EXIST! MANIPULATION! Haha).

 

Ladies, when we really want something, we’ll lose our ever-loving minds to get it; we’ll see our minds and common sense fall into the steam pot, watch them boil, and won’t do a thing to try to stop it (you NUT! Haha). In light of today being Day#3 of my “Are These Women Crazy?!” series, we’re going to explore one of the greatest instances of female manipulation in human history-the story of Samson and Delilah in the Bible. NOTE: I will be summarizing 3 chapters of the Bible here, so my summary might be a little longer than usual (as I’ve stated in a previous post, it’s not because women can’t get to the point, either! Stereotypes! Haha).

 

In the 16th Chapter of Judges, we see a dashing young man (who says “dashing” anymore?! Haha) named Samson-God has blessed Samson with supernatural strength (that boy is STRONG, y’all! He can lift up buildings, rip lions in half, and everything! He makes Thor look like an extra soft Skittle; if Thor tries to taste the rainbow, he’ll break his jaw because he’s WEAK! Haha) to do his work in the nation of Israel. One day, Samson loses his mind (he lets his strength go to his head, even though HE hasn’t done anything; GOD is the one who gave you that strength, you clown…Haha), abandons God’s work, and starts running after women that God never told him to run after (get your head out of your pants, clown! Haha).

 

In the 14th and 15th Chapters of Judges (right before Samson started drinking the moron’s milk with his frosted flakes every morning), he fell in love with a Philistine woman (unnamed), married her (against his parents’ wishes-can’t you find a nice, wholesome Israelite girl to bring home to Mother? Haha), and threw a big feast in her honor (it’s about time! Mama’s gotta eat! Haha). While everyone was eating, drinking (herbal tea, of course), and being merry, Samson got cockier than roosters on a hot summer morning, and tried to stump his party guests with a riddle (the winner gets 30 linen garments and 30 sets of clothes-OH BOY! LINEN CLOTHES! I CAN’T CONTAIN MY EXCITEMENT!).

 

The party guests were more confused than Ru Paul for three days, but instead of manning up and admitting that they didn’t know the answer (and thus, forking over the linen), they threatened to burn Samson’s wife and her father to death if she didn’t get her husband to explain the riddle to them (oh no they didn’t! I wish a clown would threaten me like that! I would pop so many caps in their-stifle yourself, Carletta! I’m sorry. Please forgive me, Lord. I need help, y’all. Haha).

 

Understandably scared, Samson’s wife gets him to spill the beans on the riddle, and Samson becomes upset. Here’s where Samson starts sipping the stupid juice, however: while he was upset that his guests had threatened his wife to get the answer to his riddle, he was MORE upset that they had solved his riddle (daww, his widdle pride was hurt), and he called a wife a female cow in expressing his anger over them manipulating her. AWWW, HECKY NO! I know that you didn’t just call me out of my name and care more about your little lame riddle than your WIFE, the woman that YOU asked to marry you! You better get your sleeping bag and tent ready, pal-you’re sleeping in the front lawn tonight (I hope that it doesn’t rain! Haha).

 

Side note: Samson actually visits the Philistines and takes 30 of their linen garments (are you that desperate for clothes, boy?! Cut up an old shower curtain and wear it like a normal person! Haha).

 

In light of this “minor miscommunication,” Samson’s wife’s father talks her into staying with one of his companions; when Samson goes to see her (I’m sorry, Baby! I was wrong! I didn’t mean to say those nasty things about you! I love you! Please forgive me!), his wife’s father refuses to let him in. As a way of exacting revenge on the Philistines (I can’t see my wife because of you LOSERS?!), Samson destroys their vineyards by catching 300 foxes, tying them tail to tail in pairs, putting torches (FIRE!) on each of their tails, and letting them run loose through the Philistines’ grain (burning up everything, y’all!). The Philistines retort by killing Samson’s wife and father (NO THEY DIDN’T!!!!), and Samson goes Super Saiyan on them in the best of ways: he kills 1,000 Philistines with his bare hands (Goku who?! Haha), the authorities try to tie him up, God helps Samson to break his ropes (like a BOSS!), Samson finds a donkey’s jawbone, and he uses the jawbone to kill ANOTHER 1,000 Philistines (that boy just went crazy, in the mighty name of Jesus Christ! Haha)!

 

Kicking butt makes you thirsty, and as such, God opened up a hollow place in Lehi, allowed Samson to drink the water from it, Samson felt refreshed and stronger than ever, and he led the Israelites against those BUSTERS, the Philistines, for twenty years. Samson struts his stuff into Gaza, and this is where all heck breaks loose…he meets Delilah (FINALLY! We almost forgot that this post was about Delilah, Carletta; you were RAMBLING ON SO! Haha).

 

In the 16th Chapter of Judges, the people of Gaza find out that Samson is in town (to see a woman of the night; SHAMEFUL! Haha), and in a plot to kill him (they were saltier than Pringles, y’all! Haha), they wait for him outside of his room. Here’s the thing, though-Samson just rips the doors and doorposts off like it isn’t a thing, puts them on his shoulders, and carries them up a hill-he’s clearly training for this year’s Strongman competition, y’all. Haha. It is atop this hill, in the valley of Sorek, where he meets and falls in love with a woman named Delilah (It’s a trap! It’s a trap! God does NOT want you here, Samson! God does NOT want you here! Delilah is NOT your friend, bruh!). The lords of the Philistines (notice the lowercase “l”-the only true Lord (capital “L”) is our Lord and Savior, and God’s beloved son, Jesus Christ) make a deal with Delilah: if you (Delilah) can find out how and where Samson gets his supernatural strength from, so that we can weaken and destroy him, we’ll each pay you 1,100 pieces of silver (which would be the same as them paying her $89,641.00 today-don’t sell out God’s man like that! Haha).

Delilah, being the manipulative Monica that she is, agrees to this deal with the Philistines and begins Operation: Betray a Buster. Delilah begins to question Samson about his supernatural strength, but instead of at least TRYING to be sneaky about it, she outright asks him what must be done to weaken him and make him prime picking for the enemy (Wow, Delilah. Why don’t you just tell the bank the day before that you plan on robbing it; let me know how well that works out for you. Facepalm. Haha). Samson is smarter (and stronger) than the average bear, and as such, he falsely tells Delilah the following:

 

Judges 16:7 (KJV)- And Samson said unto her, If they bind me with seven green withs that were never dried, then shall I be weak, and be as another man.

 

Delilah ACTUALLY BELIEVES that Samson would give her the goods that easily (she’s not the brightest bulb in the chandelier. Haha), tells her buddies (the Philistines, those soggy seaweeds) what to do, they attempt to bind Samson with seven green withs (cords or ropes), and SHOCKER, it doesn’t work (he broke them without breaking a nail or a sweat. Haha)! Delilah is “hurt” that her boo thang, Samson, has made a fool of her (no, honey, you made a fool out of yourself. Haha), and again asks him to tell her the secret of his strength. Samson next tells her the following:

 

Judges 16:11 (KJV)- And he said unto her, If they bind me fast with new ropes that never were occupied, then shall I be weak, and be as another man.

 

Delilah falls for it again, folks (she once again shows that she isn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer. Haha)! Delilah believes that Samson has revealed the secret to his superior strength, tells the Philistines to bind him with new ropes, and SURPRISE, it fails again (he breaks the ropes and uses them as dental floss. Haha)!

 

At this point, you would have thought that Delilah would have smartened up, but NOPE (she’s still stuck on stupid, y’all!)! She asks Samson a third time to reveal the secret to his strength, he falsely tells her to weave the seven locks of his head with a web (braiding time! Samson wants to get his hair done. They have a hot date tonight. Haha), she believes him (and weaves his locks together), she calls the Philistines back while Samson’s sleeping, and SURPRISE-it still doesn’t work!

 

Delilah starts whining like a wild banjee (why won’t you tell me the secret to your strength?! If you loved me, you would tell me the truth! Don’t you love me?! Haven’t I been good to you?! Why are you doing this to me?!), and begins to NAG SAMSON TO DEATH about the secret to his strength (as a woman, let me be the first to say that NAGGING IS NOT CUTE! STOP IT! Haha). She bugs him about his strength all day, all night, at noontime, ALL THE TIME. Samson gets so tired of hearing Delilah’s mouth that he finally caves in and tells her the truth about his strength (leave me alone already! Haha). He tells her the following:

 

Judges 16:17 (KJV)- That he told her all his heart, and said unto her, There hath not come a razor upon mine head; for I have been a Nazarite unto God from my mother’s womb: if I be shaven, then my strength will go from me, and I shall become weak, and be like any other man.

 

The truth has finally come out! Samson’s God-given strength is in his hair, and the moment one cuts his hair, he will become weak and have normal human strength. Delilah is giddier than a kid in a candy store (I should blow pixie dust into her eyes. Haha jkjkjk), she puts Samson to sleep in her lap (no one wants to hear your off-key lullaby singing, clown!), she quickly calls the Philistine lords to her house (they bring the money they promised to pay her), one of the men quickly cut off Samson’s seven locks, and his strength immediately leaves him (NOOOOOOO!!!! I knew I shouldn’t have trusted you, you wicked witch of the West!). When Samson wakes up, the Philistines gouge his eyes out, bind him with brass chains, and put him into one of their prisons. They plan on sacrificing him to one of their fake gods (those posers!), but not before he entertains them first (Dance, boy! Dance! How is he supposed to dance when he can’t see?!).

 

Samson prays to God and asks him to please give him superior strength to get revenge on the Philistines for taking his two eyes (please remember me, Lord! I know that I’ve messed up and should have listened to you! I’m sorry! Please forgive me! I really need your help right now.). God has mercy on Samson (thank you, Jesus!) and gives him his supernatural strength back. In his last act of strength, Samson yells out “Let me die with the Philistines,” and he pulls the pillars of the house down, killing everyone, including himself, inside (he went out like a champ! Haha). Samson had just killed more evil Philistines now than he had ever killed during his lifetime (God blessed him to be raw like that! Haha), and his family and friends buried him in the burying place of his father, Manoah. Samson was a hero for the Israelites, and he shall never be forgotten!

 

WOW! That was exciting! I have goosebumps right now! Haha God blessed Samson with supernatural strength to do his work in Israel (against the evil Philistines). When Samson followed God’s lead, he flourished. When he ignored God and started delving into sin (saying, doing, not doing, and thinking bad things), he lost his strength (he was weak), he lost his eyes (he was blind), and he lost himself. Let us always listen to and follow God, as he loves us, wants to take care of us, and always knows what is best for us. I’m ready for this action-packed remix, y’all (just the interactions between Samson and Delilah)! I wonder how things would have played out had this story happened today? Let’s get to it! NOTE: I will be utilizing modern day language, technology, and ways of living in this story, as we’re picturing this happening today.

 

Samson Got A Haircut!

By: Carletta Traylor aka C.N.

Biblical Reference: Judges, Chapter 16

*God has blessed Samson with supernatural strength to protect the Israelites against the evil Philistines (those lint lickers. Haha). As long as Samson follows God’s instructions, he’s golden (killing suckas with his bare hands and everything!). When he starts doing whatever he feels like doing-ignoring God-he gets himself into SERIOUS trouble (SOS! SOS! Someone help me, PLEASSSEEEEE!). Samson falls in love with a sneaky woman named Delilah, who has just made a deal with the Devil (the Philistine lords) to reveal the secrets of his strength; the lords will pay Delilah $89,641.00 for telling them how to weaken and bind Samson forever…or so they think. This Jezebel is on the loose!*

Delilah: Sweetie poo?

Samson: Yes, darling?

Delilah: You know how much I love you, right?

Samson: Of course I do, honey. I love you too.

Delilah: Thank you, baby. One of the first things that attracted me to you was how strong you were. I love a strong man who can protect me at all costs. I remember when you drove to the scene of that accident on I-94 (the worst! Haha), lifted that car up with your index finger, and saved everyone inside (no casualties! Thank you, Jesus!). You were a hero, and I knew right then and there that I wanted to get to know you better. *Samson starts smiling like a maniac. Haha* I was wondering, how did you get so strong? What’s your secret? Is there any way to lessen your strength or make it a fair fight between you and any other guy (i.e. honey, what’s the best way to weaken you so that the neighborhood bullies can jump you and win? Haha)?

*Samson sees what Delilah is trying to do, and ever so sweetly LIES to her about how to take his strength away. Haha*

Samson: My love, God gave me this supernatural strength, but there is a way to take it away. If you wrap seven wet, green water hoses around me, and make me look like the Jolly Green Giant, I will be weakened and have common male strength.

Delilah: Thank you for telling me, honey!

*Delilah has the Philistine lords on speed dial, y’all! She quickly goes outside and calls them, telling them to bring seven wet, green water hoses with them. When they arrive, they trick Samson into playing freeze tag with them, quickly wrap the water hoses around him, and wait to see him melt like ice cream on the sidewalk (I’m melting! Haha). It doesn’t work, however-Samson snaps the water hoses like rubber bands, does one of those “good morning” stretches, and goes back to eating his burger and fries. Haha*

Delilah: Why didn’t you tell me the truth, Samson?! I don’t like being tricked like that! *Waaa! Waa! Waa! Call this girl a wambulance.* Please, tell me the truth about your strength. How does one take your strength away (wow, Delilah is a moron. I’m sorry, “intellectually challenged.” Haha)?

Samson: I’m sorry, my love. I’ll tell you the truth this time. If you quickly wrap wooden ropes around me, the ones that those guys in the Strongman competitions use to pull semi-trucks (like he would even need a rope. Haha), I’ll lose my strength and be as strong as everyone else.

Delilah: Thank you so much for telling me, my love!

Samson: No problem.

*Delilah is so gullible. Haha. She quickly goes to Menards, buys wooden rope, and calls the Philistine lords, telling them to meet her in her driveway in 15 minutes. They oblige, quickly wrap the ropes around Samson while he’s working in his garden (I love a man with a garden. Haha), and wait to see him deflate like a balloon (*sound of air coming out of a balloon*). *Oops, he did it again; he made her believe, that this was the end! Ooh baby, baby-sorry. Haha* Her plan failed again, y’all! Samson quickly ripped the ropes in half and continued harvesting his award-winning radishes.*

Delilah: Samson! This isn’t funny! Why won’t you tell me the secret to your strength?! I want to know the truth! Please tell me!

Samson: You’re right, my love. I’ll be serious this time. If you braid my dreadlocks into one large braid (he’s channeling his inner Bob Marley again. Haha), my supernatural strength will go POOF! and disappear.

Delilah: Thank you for telling me, Babycakes!

Samson: Anytime, sweet thang.

*The third time was NOT the charm, as Delilah braided his hair, called the Philistines over for a play date, they watched him like annoying eavesdroppers (those nosy neighbors that you want to punch. Haha Just kidding, kids! Jesus is love. Haha), and…wait for it…he was still super strong! You’re done, Delilah. You are so done. Haha*

Delilah: Don’t you love me anymore, Samson?! You’ve lied to me three times about your strength, you’ve had me out here looking like Boo-Boo the Fool (no, you did that to yourself, honey. Haha), and I’m tired of it! PLEASE TELL ME THE TRUTH!!!!

*Delilah proceeds to NAG SAMSON TO DEATH, bugging him all day, every day, about the secret to his supernatural strength. Samson gets tired of hearing Delilah’s mouth and finally tells her the truth. Yes, it’s the actual truth this time. Haha*

Samson: Alright! Here’s the God-honest truth. My strength is in my hair. If someone cuts my hair, I will lose all of my supernatural strength and will be just like any other man. I’m not lying this time! This is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so PLEASE help me, God!

Delilah: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

*Delilah puts Samson to sleep in her lap, calls the Philistines over (they bring the electric clippers and money that they owe her), they cut his dreadlocks off, and Samson loses his strength! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! When Samson wakes up, they spray pepper mace in his eyes (blinding him! You don’t hear about people gouging one another’s eyes out these days. Haha), tie him up, and throw him in prison. They’re going to sacrifice him to their second-rate, fake gods (LOSERS!), but they want him to break-dance first (stereotypes! Haha).

Samson prays and asks God to please give him the superior strength to get revenge on the Philistines for blinding him-he realizes that he messed up and should’ve listened to God (he never should’ve fallen for Delilah). God’s grace and mercy shine through, as he answers Samson’s prayer. In his last act of strength, Samson wants to die with the Philistines, and proceeds to break off the pillars of the building, causing the entire building to collapse, killing everyone, including himself, inside. Samson just killed more Philistines now than he ever did during his lifetime-he went out like a BOSS! Haha Samson’s family honors his memory and buries him in the same cemetery where his father is buried. Rest in peace, Samson, in the mighty name of Jesus Christ.*

-Carletta