Ehud: The Pudgy Pinata Popper!

By: Carletta Traylor aka C.N.

Slickness is an acquired trait (not everyone can be slicker than butter, y’all!). By definition, a slick person is one who has mastered the art of lying through his or her teeth in the smoothest and calmest of ways (we’re talking professional hot air blowers/bologna sniffers, here. Haha), to the point where poor saps (I mean, souls. Haha) everywhere fall for this schemer’s tricks, believe what this schemer says, and fall right into this schemer’s trap. Some people have mastered the art of slickery (yes, I did just make that word up. Haha)-look at every sleazy car salesman and politician EVER-, while others couldn’t lie their way out of a paper bag (why are you stuttering so much if you haven’t seen my $20? Haha).

 

In light of today being the first day of my “Are These Dudes Nuts?!” series (the male counterpart to my previous “Are These Women Crazy?!” series), we’re going to look at a sly cat who used trickery to fulfill God’s purposes in the BEST of ways (God has a sense of humor, y’all! Thank you, Jesus! Hallelujah! Haha). I love this guy with a passion (not as much as I love Jesus Christ, of course. Haha), but what he did, from a common person’s perspective, was NUTTY (peanuts and cashews don’t have anything (ain’t got NUTHIN) on this dude! Haha). Without further ado, let’s get into the story of Ehud in the Bible.

 

In the 3rd Chapter of Judges, Israel started acting up again (how many times are you going to disobey God Almighty, Israel?! The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result. Snap out of it, clowns! Haha). God decided to test Israel by allowing several pagan nations (nations that worshipped fake, phony, fraudulent, impostor, second-rate, nonsense gods) to camp out in Israel’s territory; God wanted to see if Israel would stand on his Word and depend on HIM and HIM ALONE (the only true God is the God that sent his beloved son, and our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, to die on the Cross for our sins) and tell those pagan nations to take a hike (GET OFF MY LAWN! Hi, Grandpa. Haha).

 

In typical Israelite fashion (at least at that time), they drank the moron’s milk with their cornflakes, didn’t even attempt to fight for God’s truth and honor, and allowed these pagan peasants to sleep on their couches, eat their food, and exercise in their yoga pants (you all hate the Most High God? Make yourselves comfortable! You all DISGUST me! Haha).

 

Israel had just worked God’s LAST nerve, and to punish them for their disobedience (ONCE AGAIN!), God allowed the King of Moab, Eglon (that’s such an intimidating name. I’m shaking in my boots right now. Haha) to rule over Israel for 18 years (that oppressive colostomy bag had the power, y’all!). Israel finally took their heads out of their rear ends (it must have been dirty down there. Haha) and came back to God Almighty (prayer, reverence, respect, asking for forgiveness, guidance, and deliverance); God forgave his prodigal nation and decided to use a man named Ehud to deliver them from Eglon’s iron fist (can I punch him in the face with my iron fist?! Please?! Pretty please with Snickers and a Reese’s on top?! Haha jkjkjk Jesus is love.).

 

Ehud, the left-handed son of Gera the Benjamite (AYE! All my left-handed people stand up! I am a proud southpaw (that means that I’m left-handed, kids)! Haha), was commissioned to give a lovely tribute (money) to King Eglon. It’s not like there was anything to praise Eglon for-that rotten cantaloupe of a king was TRASH, Grade-A GARBAGE, sewer water, excrement, and skunk mist all wrapped into one (STANK BOOTY!)-, but Eglon was full of himself and always thought that the world revolved around him (I’M SO GREAT!).

 

Ehud wasn’t your typical jabroni (wrestling term. Haha), as God had commissioned him to deliver Israel out of Eglon’s hand…with a nice, shall we say, going away present (he’s going away whether he wants to or not! Haha). In preparation for his visit with King Eglon, Ehud did the following:

 

Judges 3:16 (KJV)-Now Ehud had made a double-edged sword about a cubit long, which he strapped to his right thigh under his clothing.

 

This is about to be a different kind of tribute, y’all (this is Dennis the Menace and Boys in the Hood all wrapped into one! Please don’t watch those movies, kids. I’m trying to set a good example here. Haha)! After sharpening his sword and hiding it under his clothes, Ehud proceeds to give King Eglon a tribute (the Israelites regularly paid this popcorn fart for the use of their own land…Eglon was a flying piece of monkey turd. Haha). The Bible mentions that King Eglon was a “fat” man-once his head had gotten too big from people blowing smoke up his “you know what,” it then went to his stomach. Haha. After Ehud had paid the customary tribute to King Eglon, he sent the party planners away and told King Eglon that he had a message from God to deliver to him.

 

This is where it all goes down, y’all! As King Eglon rose from his seat (God wants to crown me the greatest ruler who has ever lived-I’m the undisputed king of the world! Bow down, peasants! Not so fast, Chubby Checker. Haha), Ehud quickly reached down with his left hand, pulled his sword from his right thigh (since he was left-handed, which society considered to be a “defect,” Eglon never saw the right thigh attack coming! He was slick with it! Haha), and stabbed King Eglon in the stomach (Twinkies and Ho-Hos are flying everywhere! INCOMING (as in, coming into our mouths. Haha)). Not only did Ehud just stab the King, but he stabbed him so deeply that the Bible says the following:

 

Judges 3:22 (KJV)–Even the handle sank in after the blade, and his bowels discharged. Ehud did not pull the sword out, and the fat closed in over it.

 

HAHAHAHAHAHA! That ain’t right, y’all (that’s not right, y’all! Haha)! Ehud stabbed King Eglon so deeply, and King Eglon was so big, that the sword sunk into Eglon’s stomach, it completely disappeared out of view, King Eglon pooped his pants, and the dipstick died instantly. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Please understand that I am NOT making fun of larger people (I love everyone, we’re all beautiful, and I need to gain weight-you could blow a bubble my way and send me flying into a tree somewhere. Haha) or people being stabbed; I am simply laughing at how the Bible describes Ehud’s sword sinking into the black abyss that was King Eglon’s stomach (I told you all that God has a sense of humor! Haha).

 

After murdering the tubby tyrant in cold blood, Ehud simply walks out of King Eglon’s chambers (like a G! Haha), closes and locks the door behind him, Eglon’s minions discover his dead body (after initially thinking that the King was simply relieving himself-I’ll just leave that one alone. Haha), and Ehud makes a run for it (I just killed the King! I just killed the King!). When Ehud makes it to Seirah, he blows a trumpet to signal the Israelites to COME OVER HERE!

 

Once the Israelites arrive, Ehud tells them that he has just killed Eglon (God Almighty has just delivered that bloated oompa loompa into our hands, y’all! Yay! Yay! Ding-dong, the dipstick is dead! Yay! Yay!), Ehud instructs the Israelites to follow him to the Jordan River, they occupy the River so that no Moabites can cross over (this is our territory, boy! You better back up or get smacked up!), and they proceed to murder 10,000 Moabite men in cold blood (Sons of Anarchy ain’t got NUTHIN’ on the Israelites, boy! Haha!)-not one Moabite escaped (they were trapped like sardines, y’all! Haha).

 

Israel wins! Israel wins! At that very moment, Israel defeated Moab, and the land experienced rest and peace for the next 80 years (*cracks opens a can of Coke and sips it* Ahhhhhhh! That’s refreshing. Haha.).

 

God isn’t anyone to play with, y’all! Even though the Israelites had rebelled against God and brought King Eglon’s tyrannical rule upon themselves, when they sincerely repented of their sins (asked for God’s forgiveness and to help them to stop being rebellious jamokes. Haha) and sought God’s help (they depended on God), God answered their prayers-King Eglon was killed in HILARIOUS fashion! Hahahahahaha.

 

Regardless of what we’ve done (we all deserve a foot so far up our backsides, we’re throwing up toenail polish as blood. Haha), if we ask for God’s forgiveness, seek God’s help, and trust/believe that God will do what we’ve asked him to do (in the mighty name of Jesus Christ), he will come through, y’all (Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! Thank you, Jesus! God is good!)!

 

 

It’s time for the modern-day remixes to make a comeback, y’all! Put on your shades, hop on your inflatable cots (Lord knows it’s hot enough to be in the pool right now. Haha), and let’s rock this party! NOTE: I will be utilizing modern-day language, technology, and ways of living in this story, as we’re picturing this happening today.

 

Ehud: The Pudgy Pinata Popper!

By: Carletta Traylor aka C.N.

Biblical Reference: Judges 3:12-30 (KJV)

*Israel is clowning again, y’all! These jabronies have turned their backs on God Almighty ONCE AGAIN (they deserve a kick in the behind. Haha), God has allowed the ruthless (EVIL!) King of Moab, Eglon, to rule over Israel, and Israel doesn’t like it very much (no kidding! Amateurs. Haha). The Israelites finally snap out of it, they ask for God’s forgiveness (and to help them to stop sinning against him), they seek his help and deliverance from King Eglon, and God answers them in a BIG WAY! God has tasked a left-handed lad named Ehud (left-handers rule! Haha) with killing King Eglon and freeing Israel from Moabite rule. God has a sense of humor, however, and allows Ehud to kill King Eglon in the most HILARIOUS of ways! Praise the Lord*

Ehud (talking to himself): God is good! I’m feeling froggy right now! The Most High wants me to take out that ruthless roly-poly, Eglon, and I can’t think of a better way to end him than to shank him, Tony Montana style (what’s good, Scarface fans?! Haha)! I have to be clever, though. He’s smarter than he looks. I’ve got it! When I go to pay my property taxes outside (due to the pandemic, all payments are being made at an outside booth-no metal detectors, baby! Haha), I’ll hide the knife in my athletic cup (that’s brilliant! No one’s going to think that he has any metal down there! Haha), pretend that my fly is open, and when I go to zip up my pants, I’ll stab him before he knows what hit him! God, please give me a sign that this is what you would have me to do, in your darling son, Jesus’s name, and for his sake, Amen.

*A strong wind hits, and as Ehud looks up, he sees a giant “thumbs up” image in the clouds-God approves of this message! Haha. Receiving the divine confirmation that he was looking for, Ehud gets dressed, puts a portable Kershaw knife in his briefs (that can’t be comfortable. Haha), and goes to pay his property taxes (he’s writing checks like crazy, y’all!). King Eglon and Ehud are the only ones there. He has more than a check to deliver to King Eglon. Hehehehehehe.*

Ehud: Here is my monthly installment check, King. Can we talk about lowering these taxes for a moment?! You’re killing me here!

 

King Eglon:  *being a troll, as usual* Nonsense! Great kings deserve great rewards, and since I can’t ask for your firstborn child, left-kidney, and life insurance policy (that’s illegal, you oversized imbecile!!!!!!), the least you all can do is give me 55% of your income in taxes. Bow down to your king, peasant!

Ehud (talking under his breath): You should be asking for a lifetime subscription to Jenny Craig, you flabby piece of garbage (I’m sorry. Please forgive me, Lord. I know I need help. Haha).

King Eglon: What was that?!

Ehud: I was just saying that I have a message from God to deliver to you!

King Eglon: Why would God talk to a worthless nobody like you (how am I worthless if I’m paying $15,000 a year in property taxes, idiot?!), when he can talk to me? I’m right here (you’re so big, it’s not like he could miss you!)!

Ehud: I don’t claim to know God’s ways; I’m just his humble servant. I pray to him daily, and he specifically gave me a message to deliver to you.

King Eglon: You’ve got the “servant” part right. What did he say?

Ehud (looking down at his crotch): Whoops! Sorry! My fly is open. Let me zip that back up.

*Just as King Eglon gets up from his chair-it takes him a while to get up-Ehud quickly pulls the knife out of his drawers with his left hand, stabs King Eglon in the stomach, and Eglon falls over the booth, breaking it in half. Ehud tries to pull the knife out of Eglon’s stomach, but his stomach is so big that it completely covers up the blade, the entire knife sinks into Eglon’s flab (Eglon just sucks up food, metal, everything. Haha), and Ehud realizes that he doesn’t have time to play hide and seek with the Kershaw. He makes a run for it (Usain Bolt doesn’t have anything on him, y’all! Haha Run like the wind, Bullseye!), stops in Seirah, makes a group call to all of the Israelites on his cellphone (he has great reception, y’all!), and they all meet up at the Jordan River.*

Ehud (to the Israelites): May I have your attention, everyone?! *Everyone pipes down* God is the MAN, y’all! He has just delivered King Eglon into our hands! I just popped that boy like a pudgy piñata, y’all; blood and guts everywhere! He’s dead! He’s dead! That oversized ogre is D-E-A-D, dead!*

The Israelites: Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! Thank you, Jesus! God is good! God is worthy to be praised! Yahweh or the highway! Yahweh or the highway! YESSSSSSS!!! Oh, happy day (oh, happy day!); oh, happy day!

Ehud: Here’s what we’re going to do. We’re going to occupy the Jordan River so that the Moabites can’t cross over. I know that you all are nuts and already have your conceal and carry licenses (he sees the tips of their guns in their pockets. Haha), so we’re going to use them to make sure that the Moabites never bother us ever again! Let’s go!

The Israelites: YEAH! Let’s shoot some fools! Body some busters! Take our land back! This is our house…well, it’s actually God’s house, but he’s letting us use it (yeah, y’all better recognize whose house it is. Haha)! Let’s go!

*Ehud and the Israelites proceed to occupy the Jordan River and kill 10,000 Moabite men in cold blood-this is better than Hunger Games! Where’s my soda?! Haha. All of the Moabites die at the hands of the Israelites-not one well-muscled Moabite man escaped. Israel wins! Israel wins! Israel wins! Israel has just defeated Moab, and they are now about to experience 80 years of peace, rest, and happiness! Party time! Ain’t no party like a Holy Ghost party, ‘cause a Holy Ghost party don’t stop! I’ll bring the hot wings! God wins again…as usual! Haha*

-Carletta