Witches Get Stitches!
By: Carletta Traylor aka C.N.
Stop being so greedy, you glutton (put the apple pie down!)! The term greed refers to an instant and selfish desire for something (that we either don’t need at all or don’t need as much of as we want), especially power (I am strong, I am Terminator! I rule the world! Keep dreaming, clown. Haha), wealth (cha-ching! SHOW ME THE MONEY!), or food (stop eyeballing my Flamin’ Hots, boy! Keep your grubby little fingers to yourself! Haha jkjkjk I’ll share the love and Cheeto dust.). We all know how annoying greedy people can be-that relative who takes 10 plates to go when he/she hasn’t sniffed a stove, didn’t contribute a thing to the meal (your half-eaten meatball doesn’t count!), and hasn’t paid one red cent for ANYTHING, not even a single Styrofoam cup (cheapskate! Haha jkjkjk Jesus and I love you. Grace.).
While the source of one’s greed may be different-fame, fortune, power, food, clothes/shoes, houses/cars (no one person needs 7 Porsches! That’s just STUPID! I should key my name into 5 of those 7 cars. What’s my name, fool?! Snoop Doggy Dogggggggg! Haha jkjkjk Vandalism!), greed itself is a sin (bad things that we say, do, don’t do, or think-God said STOP IT!) and can corrupt (make bad, evil, and/or just plain DUMB) even the nicest of people (don’t turn to the dark side, Spongebob! I have Krabby Patties! Haha).
On that note, today marks the final day, Day#7, of my “Are These Women Crazy?!” series-I like to keep things short and sweet (get to the point, Junior! ALRIGHT ALREADY! Haha). This won’t be the last time that we encounter women that we want to slap, however; the Bible is chock full of them! Haha. This post will simply mark the end of this series, and tomorrow will begin my male counterpart series, “Are These Dudes Nuts?!” I’m equal opportunity life roasting. Haha. With that being said, let us visit perhaps the most evil female dipstick in the entire Bible, the wicked witch of the West herself, Jezebel. NOTE: There’s A LOT to this story, but I’m only going to summarize the most important parts-I could write an entire book on this loser alone. Haha.
In the 16th Chapter of 1 Kings, Israel had been torn into two nations-Israel to the north, and Judah to the south. Israel had clearly been the inspiration for the show Survivor, as they were constantly being attacked by morons from all directions (stop, drop and roll! Stop, drop and roll!). Despite everyday feeling like Fear Factor: Extreme Edition, the Israelites, under King Ahab, continued to worship the one and only true God-the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, who sent his son, and our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, to die on the Cross for our sins…that those of us who trusted & believed in him would not perish, but have everlasting life (we’ll be partying in Heaven forever, y’all! Ain’t no party like a Holy Ghost party, ‘cause a Holy Ghost party don’t stop! Party over here! Ooh-ooh! Party over here! Ooh-ooh! Haha)(paraphrasing John 3:16 (KJV)).
Though King Ahab started out as a good, God-honoring king of Israel, he was afraid of being attacked by Syria and Assyria (among other countries), and decided that he needed someone in his corner-let’s make a pact with Phoenicia! As such, King Ahab signed a treaty (agreement to help fight and protect one another from the enemy) with the King of Phoenicia, King Ethball (more like King Cornball), and married King Ethball’s daughter, Jezebel. TROLL ALERT! TROLL ALERT! JEZEBEL IS GOING TO RUIN YOU! TROLL ALERT! Marrying Jezebel was the WORST thing that King Ahab ever could have done…and we’re about to see why. Haha.
Jezebel and her family grew up worshipping fake, phony, fraud, fruit loop “gods,” including Baal (Satan’s best friend!) and his female companion, Astarte (or Ashtoreth). Jezebel hated God, hated the mention of God, and hated anyone who worshipped the one and only true God (we’re not inviting you over for Christmas dinner either, clown!). Being the vindictive vixen and highly perfumed piece of trash that she was, Jezebel sunk her claws into King Ahab and convinced him to 1) disregard God (NO! Where’s your backbone, King Ahab?! You spineless snowflake! Revoke your man card NOW!), 2) worship Baal-she even brought 450 prophets of Baal and 400 prophets of Ashtoreth along with her (NO! They’re evil FRAUDS! SHAM-GODS! IMPOSTORS!), and 3) build a temple and altar for Baal (and “Ashtoreth pole”) in Samaria (strike three! You jamokes are OUT!).
The Israelites were torn between worshipping God (Yahweh) and worshipping Baal (there’s nothing to be torn about! God is God, and Baal couldn’t hold God’s used jock strap! Period!), and tensions grew so high that Foot Fungus Felicia herself, Jezebel, ordered that all of God’s prophets be killed (OH NO SHE DIDN’T! Can I punt her like a football and show Cody Parkey how it’s done (you BLEW the Wild Card game, Parkey! You BLEW it!!!)?! Field goal! Haha jkjkjk Jesus Christ is love.). With it being so obvious that Jezebel wore the pants in the marriage (I repeat, King Ahab, REVOKE YOUR MAN CARD NOW!!!!!), King Ahab STUPIDLY went along with his wife’s plans, and Jezebel had several of God’s prophets brutally murdered (1 Kings 18:13 (KJV)).
While some of God’s prophets died at the hands of Jezebel, some saved themselves by selling God out and becoming Ahab’s “yes” men (traitors!), while Obadiah (a governor in the region who feared God) protected 100 of the Lord’s prophets by hiding them in caves and feeding them (good man! Good man! Ahab, give your man card to Obadiah immediately-he’s ten times the man that you’ll ever be!!!!). Elijah, one of God’s greatest prophets, was sick of trifling Trudy’s foolishness, and called Jezebel and Ahab out on their nonsense (it’s getting good now! Where’s my popcorn?! Haha).
In an EPIC confrontation between Elijah and King Ahab at Mount Carmel (it’s one of the showdowns of the century, y’all-God’s prophets (WINNERS) vs Baal’s prophets (LOSERS)!), Elijah claimed that he was the only remaining prophet of the Lord, after the others had been killed (whether or not he was ACTUALLY the last one remaining is irrelevant; God was about to use him in a BIG WAY!). Elijah asked for two bulls-one for God’s prophets and one for Baal’s prophets, which were to be cut into pieces and laid on wood as an altar, without the use of fire. Elijah dared Baal’s prophets (I double dog dare you!) to call upon Baal to bring the fire, while Elijah would call on his God (the one and only true God) to provide the fire (let’s see which higher power struts his stuff, y’all! I know who’s about to win! Haha).
Baal’s prophets called upon Baal for HOURS to provide fire for the sacrifice, but guess what?! That worthless loser didn’t answer their prayers (*ring-a-ling-ling! Ring-a-ling-ling!* We’re sorry. Baal is busy shoving his head up his own behind in a pool of excrement, and he’s unable to take your call right now. Please leave your name, number, and a brief message after the beep, and he’ll be sure to lead you into the fiery pits of Hell as soon as possible. Remember, sticks and stones may break your bones, but fire will burn you forever. BEEEEPPPPPPPPP*)! Baal’s minions were embarrassed, even going so far as to cut themselves (blood everywhere, y’all!), but…STILL…nothing. Baal can’t help you, morons!
Elijah, having Baal’s prophets right where he wanted them, cut up a bull, laid it on the altar, and laid 12 stones around the altar to represent the number of tribes of the sons of Jacob (remember, everyone, God is the God of Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Jesus Christ, and all of us). Elijah next asked his entourage (his crew, baby!) to pour four barrels of water onto the bull and wood (at least 3 times), and he asked the Lord to bring the fire, baby!
1 Kings 18: 36-37 (KJV): And it came to pass at the time of the offering of the evening sacrifice, that Elijah the prophet came near, and said, Lord God of Abraham, Isaac, and of Israel, let it be known this day that thou art God in Israel, and that I am thy servant, and that I have done all these things at thy word. Hear me, O Lord, hear me, that this people may know that thou art the Lord God, and that thou hast turned their heart back again.
The Lord answered Elijah’s prayer like clockwork, y’all! Immediately following Elijah’s prayer, God brought the fire, which completely consumed everything and licked up the water in the trench. Baal and his fruit loop brigade just got served, boy (you just got served! Haha)! The people recognized that Elijah’s God was the real deal and immediately began to praise and worship him (it’s about darn time! Haha), and Elijah had all of Baal’s prophets killed (don’t you all just love it when a plan comes together?! The tables have turned, God just gave Baal the ultimate wedgie, and Baal’s buttwipes are no more! Bye-bye, you worthless scum of the earth! Too harsh? Haha)!
Jezebel, being the high-end waste of life that she was, didn’t like this, tried to have Elijah killed, but Elijah escaped to the wilderness under a juniper tree (God always protects and helps his children, y’all! Praise the Lord! Hallelujah! Thank you, Jesus! God is good!). Jezebel was a salty pretzel about the situation (she needs to sit her stale, oversized behind down!), and to “strut her lady grapefruits,” so to speak, she tried to ruin every godly life that she possibly could (can I ruin her rib ecage with my 2-by-4?! Please?! Pretty please with ice cream, sprinkles and a cherry on top?! Haha). The most famous of these stories is the story of Naboth.
Long story short, Naboth owned a vineyard near King Ahab, Ahab wanted Naboth’s vineyard to grow his own garden (he was going to pay Naboth for his trouble), but Naboth refused to give it up-Naboth noted that God forbade him from giving up his inheritance from his ancestors (this land belongs to my family, and God says I’m keeping it!!!!). While King Ahab didn’t like Naboth’s answer, he was going to accept it (let it go, let it goooo!!!!!)…but that wicked wife of his just COULDN’T TAKE “NO” FOR AN ANSWER, COULD SHE?!
As such, Jezebel forged a letter under her husband’s name (it’s a fake signature, y’all!), calling for a fast and falsely accusing Naboth of blaspheming the name of God (disrespecting and insulting God). She even got two brain-dead nimrods to lie and say that Naboth had blasphemed the name of God, and called for Naboth to be stoned to death-another innocent man just died because of this imbecile’s ability to breathe!!!!! She didn’t get away with anything, however, as God had great plans for her (HEHEHEHEHEHEHE). This gets us to my favorite part of the story (please forgive me, Lord. Haha), the death of Jezebel.
God had had enough of Jezebel’s crap (for the kiddies, we’ll say “nonsense.” Haha), and as such, he trapped her and Ahab like rats in a maze (and I HATE rats! Haha). Just as dumb and dumber were going to take Naboth’s vineyard, Elijah popped out of the wilderness (surprise!) and told them about themselves-God’s not happy with you two! The Lord told Elijah that Jezebel would be eaten by dogs by the wall of Jezreel (they want their bacon strips NOW!), and this scared Ahab “you know what-less (I sense warmer undies!);” he humbled himself, started wearing “common folk clothing,” fasted, lived a “regular person’s” life, and realized that he was a no good piece of trash, in need of God’s forgiveness, mercy and grace (step one is admitting that you have a problem. Haha).
God had mercy on Ahab for humbling himself and seeing the error of his ways, and decided not to bring evil upon him (but evil would follow his descendants, and Ahab died 3 years later). As for Jezebel, however (that unrepentant caca stain), God made an example out of her. Elisha (Elijah’s mentee and God’s leading prophet after Elijah had passed away), ordered all of Ahab’s descendants to be eliminated. When it was time for Jezebel to meet her maker, do y’all know that this pompous sweat rag actually put on makeup, combed her hair, and tried to make herself look “sexy” for her own brutal murder (IDIOT! You’re about to die! We don’t care how arched your eyebrows or rosy your cheeks look!!!!)?! Yes, everyone! Jezebel was just that egotistical, self-centered, and prideful (the perfect recipe for God’s delicious wrath wrap—coming to a clown near you!).
Jehu (the king of Israel after Ahab) ordered two eunuchs (servants of Jezebel) to push Jezebel out of the window (which they did, y’all! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! ROTFLMBO (rolling on the floor, laughing my butt off)!!!!!), which they did. Jezebel bleeds out as soon as she hits the ground, Jehu’s horses trample her, and while Jehu goes inside to eat his evening meal (a man works up an appetite ordering the death of a decorated troll doll!), as God had promised Elijah, the dogs begin to eat and DESTROY Jezebel’s dead body –it’s feasting season, y’all!!!! Jezebel is no longer a royal and wicked Queen of Israel, but a dead and dehumanized ANIMAL. God doesn’t like ugly, y’all (so much for a regular burial!)! God always wins in the end (Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! Thank you, Jesus! God is good!)! Haha.
Phew! We’ve covered a lot of ground here, y’all! Haha Given that the story of Jezebel is so long and detail-intensive, I will not do a modern-day remix of it (we’d be here until next Spring. Haha). I can’t leave you all hanging, though! I will instead leave you all with this great YouTube video from J&S Authentic Biblical Productions, showing an “interview” with Jezebel (it’s absolutely ridiculous, just as Jezebel herself was. Haha)-J&S Authentic Biblical Productions, “A Lesson To Learn From The Story Of Jezebel In The Book Of Kings, 1&2” (YouTube):
Tomorrow begins my “Are These Dudes Nuts?!” series, y’all! Put your seat-belts and helmets on (hut! Hut! Hut!), because it will definitely be a bumpy ride! I love you all, God bless you all, and I’ll see you all on the next one!