Hard Heads Make For Fast Behinds
By: Carletta Traylor aka C.N.
Raise your hand (it’s not like I can see it. Haha) if you’ve ever heard the phrase “a hard head makes for a soft behind.” This is just a fancy way of saying that when we act like we don’t have any home training (we lose our GOSH DARN minds), we’re asking to be punished (usually a spanking, but could also involve the proverbial foot going up one’s behind. Haha). When we think that we’re so smart/think that we know everything (no one can tell me NUTHIN-how are you so smart, but you don’t even know proper English? Haha jkjkjk Jesus and I love you. Haha), we try our hardest not to listen to good advice (constructive criticism), and proceed to make terrible decisions (we’re talking upper echelon levels of stupid here. Haha).
These bad decisions, by definition, constitute sin (bad things that we say, do, don’t do, or think-God’s not happy with you!). When we’ve been used to having it all, doing it all (doing what, you say? IT. Haha), and thinking that we’re getting away with it (emphasis on the word THINK; God sees (and knows) everything, so we’ll NEVER get over on him, though we may be able to fool others), we continue to race down Dipstick Drive until we finally crash-smoke, fire and stupidity everywhere! Haha.
In light of today being Day#4 of my “Are These Women Crazy?!” series, this brings us to the story of Hosea and Gomer in the Bible. NOTE: I will be summarizing the first 3 chapters of Hosea for this post, so get your snacks and drinks ready! It’s going to be a scandalous ride! Haha.
In the 1st Chapter of Hosea, God Almighty tells Hosea (a holy man and one of God’s prophets) to marry a woman of the night named Gomer (That’s right, folks! God told Hosea to marry a woman faster than Jeff Gordon at the Indy 500! Haha. As we’ll see later on, however, there was a method to God’s madness (if I should even call it “madness.” Haha)). The Israelites had thrown their minds off of a cliff (FLYING BRAINS! FLYING BRAINS!), were living a very sinful, lavish (bling-bling and the ching-ching!) lifestyle, and were worshiping fake, second-rate gods (there’s only one true, living God, folks-the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, who sent his darling son, and our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, to die on the Cross for our sins).
Israel had been flourishing, and as such, they had lost their minds and started smelling their own behinds (like their “you know whats” didn’t stink; their heads were so far up their own behinds, they were giving themselves colonoscopies, y’all!). They became cockier than roosters (cock-a-doodle-doo!), rubbed a lot of countries the wrong way (i.e. they had lots of enemies), refused to repent of their sins (turn away from their evil and ask God Almighty for forgiveness) and ask God for help, and had their behinds handed to them by Assyria. Israel has been conquered! Israel has been conquered! Israel has fallen! Bye-bye, Israel!
Gomer was all about this butt-backwards, fast life (on the count of 3, gentlemen, start your engines!), yet God instructed Hosea to marry her-he had a lesson to teach the Israelites (and all of us, for that matter). Hosea obeys God, marries Gomer, and they have three children together-a son named Jezreel (which is a place of death and mass genocide), a daughter named Lo-Ruhamah (which means “no mercy” or “without compassion”), and a son named Lo-Ammi (which means “not my people”); God told them to name their children as such, showing his anger (and heartbreak) over Israel betraying him (I have loved and taken care of your nappy-headed behinds all of this time, and this is how you all repay me?! Y’all have ticked off the RIGHT and WRONG one today! Let the tushy thrashing begin! Haha). Right after Gomer gave birth to Loammi, she left Hosea; her fast behind started hitting up every male with a pulse, like she was in the Willy Wonka movie, looking for the golden ticket (you DISGUST me! Haha jkjkjk)!
Why did Gomer start wiling out, Cancun-style, you ask? As I previously mentioned, Hosea was a man of God: he listened to God, obeyed his Word, and preached God’s truth (and the importance of repenting- turning away from our sins and asking God to please forgive us and help us to stop sinning) throughout the land. Gomer was a worldly woman from the jump (HELLO! Woman of the night. Haha), and she 1) wanted to continue to live any kind of way and do whatever she felt like doing (bad girl! Haha), 2) was embarrassed to be married to a holy man like Hosea, and 3) felt that he was spending too much time with God, and not enough time with her (she thought that the world revolved around her, y’all). As such, she said “three strikes (children), you’re out,” left Hosea after giving birth to Lo-Ammi, and started riding ponies in a non-rodeo setting (I’m sorry, parents! I had to! Hahahaha). Are you kidding me, Gomer?! Hosea has treated you like a queen (even though you were acting like a…let me stop while I’m ahead. Haha), has always taken care of you, and you go and cheat on him?! My Slap-a-Meter is going crazy right now, y’all (please forgive me, Lord! Please take the wheel, Jesus!)! Haha.
As Gomer is frolicking through the forest, thinking that she’s so cute and “living life,” Hosea forgives her and allows her to come back home. Hosea loved Gomer, wanted their marriage to work out, and chose to give her another chance (just as God loves us, forgives us of our sins, and gives us undeserved second chances; God is good!). As such, Gomer returns home to her family (home, sweet home!). You’d think that Gomer would have seen the light, acquired the sense of a bat, repented of her sins (asked God and her family for forgiveness), and tried to do better-NOPE! This clown and a half ONCE AGAIN felt alone and neglected (which wasn’t true; Hosea was a great husband to her, but she was just a spoiled, self-centered, worldly brat), and ONCE AGAIN left her family to climb Mount MANverest! This became an ongoing cycle, y’all! Gomer would fall face first into the peasant pudding, become way too friendly with random men, Hosea would forgive her and plead for her to come back home, and she would return home, just to do the same thing again (there’s no telling what diseases she had contracted, y’all; stay over there, trifling Trudy! Haha jkjkjk).
The supposed “fun” ended, however-the men that Gomer had been associating with didn’t love her, didn’t care about her, could care less what happened to her, and left her alone and poor in the streets (she and Hosea had money, but she left him, blew all of her money on worldly pleasures-fancy clothes, sandals, makeups, perfumes, etc., and didn’t get any help from her many lovers). Too embarrassed to admit that she had messed up and return home, Gomer becomes penniless (she couldn’t buy a vowel or pay attention, y’all) and sells herself into slavery to pay off her debts-she is ragged, dirty, cold, hungry, disheveled (her hair was torn up from the floor up, y’all!), and miserable (a far cry from how she used to live, look, and act). While Gomer is on an auction block (in chains), preparing to be sold into slavery, Hosea buys her out of slavery with all of his money and a few loaves of barley (his money wasn’t enough to pay her debts), forgives her once again, and allows her to come back home (he loved him some Gomer, y’all! He’s a good man…much better than I probably would have been in that situation. Haha).
Hosea tells his wife that God instructed him to marry her, that’s he going to love and take care of her, but that she can no longer be a woman of the night (i.e can’t be a loose Lucy and share intimacies with other men anymore-DUH!!! Haha) and abandon her family (think about the kids!). Gomer finally snaps out of it, sees the light (Hallelujah! Thank you, Jesus!), straightens up, and flies right (they’re a happy family again!). The 3rd Chapter of Hosea ends with the following scripture:
Hosea 3:5 (KJV)-Afterward shall the children of Israel return, and seek the Lord their God, and David their king; and shall fear the Lord and his goodness in the latter days.
Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! Thank you, Jesus! God is good! Hosea forgives Gomer for her unfaithfulness, allows her to come home, she sees the error of her ways (and although the Bible doesn’t explicitly say so, I think it’s safe to assume that Gomer repented of her sins and turned to God), and they become a happy family!
In this story, Hosea represents God, and Gomer represents all of us. When we ignore God and engage in sin, we separate ourselves from God (just as Gomer separated herself from her family when she was out doing her dirt). Despite the fact that Gomer continued to leave her family and chase other men, Hosea never stopped loving her, continued to forgive her, and continued to allow her to come home (just as God continues to love us, forgive us, and let us come back home when we sin…as long as we sincerely repent of our sins and turn to him, in the mighty name of Jesus Christ).
When we’re at our lowest point (we’ve lost everyone and everything, have hit rock bottom, and truly feel alone), God is always there to pick us up (just as Hosea paid Gomer’s debts and bought her out of slavery when she lost everything, was a poor/dirty/disheveled mess, and felt alone). Let us never take God’s love, grace (giving us nice things that we don’t deserve), and mercy (not giving us the bad things that we do deserve) for granted (don’t bite the hand that feeds you! Haha); let us repent of our sins, turn to God (through Jesus Christ), and follow him, that we may see Heaven one day.
The modern-day remixes are ready to be unleashed, y’all (down, boy! Get down! Haha)! Let’s boogie! NOTE: I will be utilizing modern-day language, technology, and ways of living in this story, as we’re picturing this happening today.
Hard Heads Make For Fast Behinds
By: Carletta Traylor aka C.N.
Biblical Reference: Hosea, Chapters 1-3 (KJV)
*The Israelites have lost their cotton-picking minds, y’all! After all that God has done for them and brought them through-from Moses leading them out of slavery in Egypt to Joshua helping them to defeat the Canaanites in the Battle of Jericho-, these ungrateful butt wipes have fallen right back into sin, only care about money and power, are worshiping false gods, and think that THEY’RE so special (absolutely NO reverence to or respect for God!). The Israelites haven’t made any friends with their cockiness (i.e. smelling themselves), and in the midst of their divine betrayal (they betrayed God), they are WHOOPED by the Assyrians (Israel has been overthrown!). As a way to teach the Israelites (and all of us) a lesson, God instructs one of his holy prophets, Hosea, to marry a scandalous woman of the night named Gomer-her behind is frostbitten from all of the whipping in the wind that she does. Haha Let’s see how their marriage plays out! Where’s my popcorn? Haha*
Hosea: Honey, you know how much I love you, right?
Gomer: Of course I do, my love! You sat through an entire episode of The Young & the Restless without falling asleep or barfing-you’re a keeper (Lord knows I would have been out like a light 5 minutes into the show. I’m sorry, everyone! I’m not a soap opera fan (where are the basketball rims and monster trucks?!). Haha).
Hosea: And you know that everything that I say is out of love, right?
Gomer: Darling, what are you getting at?
Hosea: God calls us to be different from the world (i.e. act like you have some gosh darn sense! Haha), and not live as the world lives. He breathed breath into our bodies and blessed us with this beautiful planet, and all he asks is that we repent of (turn away from) our sins and live a life that is pleasing to him (this was hundreds of years before our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, was born). I want you and I both to make it to Heaven-it’s tank tops and flip-flops all the time (we’re talking EPICALLY beautiful weather, y’all! Sunshine, clear skies, a cool breeze, and living water forever! Haha)!
Gomer: Thank you for today’s lesson, Mr. H! I’ll be sure to watch paint dry for 8 hours straight to keep from offending God (that smart-mouthed sarcasm isn’t cute. Haha)! While I’m at it, why don’t I just wear a blanket everyday (can’t show any skin!) and sing “Kumbaya, my Lord” while our neighbors drive by?! We can’t have them thinking that I like to wash my car from time to time!
Hosea: I’m sorry, my love. I’m not trying to keep you from having fun; I just want us to live a life that honors God.
Gomer: You just keep your little history lessons over there, pal. I’m a big girl (I don’t see any diapers or pacifiers over here!) and know how to act. *HAHAHAHAHA! Oh, you’re being serious right now, Gomer?! You know how to act?! Chuck, Billy, Tommy, Dan, Pete, Sam, Jay, Jimmy, Aaron, Marcus, Lucas, Greg, Fred, and Mekai may have something to say about that! You know how to act! HAHAHAHAHAHA!*
*Hosea prays for his lost wife, as he loves her, and they have three children together- a son named Jezreel (which is a place of death and mass genocide), a daughter named Lo-Ruhamah (which means “no mercy” or “without compassion”), and a son named Lo-Ammi (which means “not my people”). Gomer begins to feel neglected by her husband (which isn’t true at all! He loves her and does everything that he can for her and their family; she just thinks that the world is supposed to revolve around pretty, gorgeous, good-looking her (Wah! Wah! You’re spending too much time with God and not telling me how beautiful I am 1,000 times a day! Wah! Wah! You’re spreading God’s truth instead of worshiping the ground that I walk on because my chest protrudes out farther than yours! Call this girl a WAMbulance and get her a blanket and some warm milk. Haha).
Foolishly thinking that Hosea is neglecting her, Gomer cheats on her husband several times (the mailman, the milkman, the garbage man, that one cute single policeman, a firefighter, even that guy who delivered her pizza 3 weeks ago. Get it together, girl! Haha. Despite her RIDICULOUSLY STUPID and SINFUL actions, Hosea (being the loving man of God that he is) loves his wife, forgives her, and allows her to come back home (Phew! That was a close one!). Here’s the thing, though-not too long after Hosea lets Gomer come back home, she drinks the moron’s milk again! This trifling tart ONCE AGAIN pretends that she’s so lonely and leaves her husband and children (she couldn’t wait to flip her little natty behind in the wind!)!
Gomer thinks that she’s “living the life” for a while (LIAR, LIAR! PANTS ON FIRE!), but her actions soon catch up with her-the men that she’s playing touch football with don’t give her any money, don’t give her a place to stay, and frankly don’t care what happens to her. She owes the IRS $54,000 in back taxes (which she hid from her husband, Hosea), hasn’t paid a lick towards them, and has blown all of her money on shopping sprees, getting her hair and nails done, and eating fancy meals at Hoity-Toity restaurants that I can’t even pronounce (i.e. she’s trying to live like the Joneses, y’all! You’re a Cunningham, girl! You’re a Cunningham. Haha). As a result of her mounting government debt, the police track her down and arrest her outside of Nordstroms (while she was “window shopping” with her friends, too! Looks like Pierre and his fall collection couldn’t save you this time, honey! Haha)—you’re under arrest for not paying the Piper!
Gomer’s friends call Hosea and tell him what has happened to his wife (she went from a Bluebird to a jail bird!), and he immediately goes to the police station to bail her out. He’s a little short on cash, so he offers the guards three front-row tickets to that night’s Bulls vs Lakers game-we have a deal! Haha. Gomer is now a free woman, but Hosea has something to say to her.*
Hosea: Look, honey, I love you and would do anything for you, but this has to stop! God put you and I together, and I’m not going to allow you to run around and break our family apart! I’ve bailed you out of jail, and you’re coming home with me.
Gomer: Ok, honey. I’m sorry.
Hosea: Please let me finish. You can’t keep doing this to us. Running out on your family, being too friendly with other men, living this sinful, non-caring lifestyle; THIS HAS TO STOP NOW!
Gomer (crying and genuinely remorseful this time): You’re right, honey. I’m so sorry for everything that I’ve done to you and the kids. I’m so sorry for hurting you. I love you with all of my heart and soul, baby. I love my children and would do anything for them. I mean that. You have been a wonderful husband and father to our kids, but I was just stupid! Father God, I’m so sorry for not listening to you! I’m so sorry that I broke your heart time and time again. Please forgive me of my sins and help me to do better, Lord! I don’t want to live this way anymore! I don’t want to hurt you or my family anymore! Please clean me up and make me more like you! I want Heaven to be my home! Thank you so much for bailing me out, baby. We have A LOT to talk about when we get home.
Hosea: You’re welcome, sweetheart. Yes we do. Haha Let’s go home.
*Once at home, Gomer spills the beans about her wild escapades, her back taxes, and what was going through her head while she was stuck on stupid. She has genuinely repented of her sins and turned to God, and she, Hosea, and their three kids live happily ever after…at least for the night. Haha*