I Don’t Follow Y’all’s Way, I Follow Yahuah!
By: Carletta Traylor aka C.N.
THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: Calling all yesmen (and yeswomen)! Calling all yesmen (and yeswomen)! Are you afraid to tell the truth? Do you constantly tell people what they want to hear (as opposed to what they need to hear) because you’re afraid of the consequences (if I tell Timmy that his haircut is jacked up from the back up (straight toe’ up from the flo’ up!), he won’t want to be my friend anymore and won’t invite me to his birthday party (don’t worry; no one was going to that corny garbage anyway. Haha jkjkjk Yahushua Hamashiach (Jesus Christ) and I love you!))?
Do you lack a mind of your own, have a Twizzler for a backbone (Sour Punch straws and marshmallows would beat your weak spine in a fight-say “no” to violence, kids! Yahushua Hamashiach (Jesus Christ) and I still love you!), and have a lifetime supply of chapstick to accommodate all of the rump kissing that you do? If you answered yes to any (or all) of these questions, this blog post is for you! Even if you’re not a shameless, no-spine-having yesman/yeswoman, this blog post is still for you (this website is an equal opportunity safe space for everyone!)! Let’s be friends!
In case you all couldn’t tell, I’m a firm believer in standing up for whom and what you believe in (if you believe that wearing those ridiculously tight pants that cut oxygen off to your lower body is a good idea, you go right ahead-I don’t get it and couldn’t see myself doing such things, but you do you. Haha). When we feel very strongly about someone or something, we should always be ready and willing to defend (stand up for) our beliefs…regardless of the consequences (people may dislike us, make fun of us, or even try to do things to us, but if we’re passionate about whom or what we believe in, that won’t matter). This is ESPECIALLY true when it comes to our faith in Yah (God): Yah the Father (Yahuah/God Almighty), Yah the Son (Yahushua Hamashiach/Jesus Christ), and Yah the Holy Spirit (The Ruach/Holy Spirit).
if we truly believe in and follow the Lord, we should NEVER be afraid to stand up for him and proclaim his truth (even if people don’t want to hear it. Don’t worry! Yah is the ultimate A-1 BOSS (Yah The Don! The BOMB.com!), he can blow those unfunny clowns away just by looking at them (move around, doofus! I’m tired of looking at you! Yah obviously doesn’t talk this way, but I’m paraphrasing here. Haha), and he’ll always provide for and protect us when we stand on HIS truth and do HIS work), and we we should do so boldly, confidently, and unapologetically (BUMP apologizing! I love the Lord, and no one will ever change that! I’m saying it loud, I love Yah, and I’m proud (for the record, I know proper English and know that I should have said “loudly,” but for the sake of the saying, I just said “loud.” Don’t go there with me (don’t you start with me!)! Haha jkjkjk)!
When we proudly proclaim our faith in the Lord and aren’t afraid of the consequences (We’re throwing caution to the wind, y’all! Do you want to hear the truth? YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH! Just kidding; the truth shall set you free! Hallelujah!), Yah will greatly bless and take care of us, not only in this life, but also in the afterlife (Heaven all day, BABY!). This brings us to today’s Bible story (finally, Carletta! We were wondering how long you were going to RAMBLE on and on and on! Sometime today, Junior! It’s not like we have LIVES or anything!): Micaiah tells King Ahab that he will die in battle.
In the 22nd Chapter of 1 Kings, here’s the skinny (that’s slang for “here is what is going on”): Israel has been torn into two nations-Israel to the North, and Judah to the South. Israel clearly inspired the show Survivor, as they were constantly being attacked by morons from all directions (stop, drop and roll! Stop, drop and roll!). Despite everyday feeling like Fear Factor: Extreme Edition, the Israelites (God’s homies!), under King Ahab, continued to worship the one and only true Yah (God) (remember, kids, Yah is the one true God in three different forms-the Holy Trinity-Yah the Father (Yahuah-God Almighty), Yah the Son (Yahushua Hamashiach-Jesus Christ), and Yah the Holy Spirit (The Ruach-Holy Spirit).
However, if we’ll recall from my previous post, Witches Get Stitches!, Ahab was afraid of being attacked by Syria and Assyria (among other countries), and decided that he needed someone in his corner-let’s make a pact with Phoenicia! As such, King Ahab signed a treaty with the King of Phoenicia (agreement to help fight and protect one another in battle), King Ethball (more like King Cornball), and married King Ethball’s daughter, Jezebel. Long story short, this was one of the WORST things that Ahab could have done.
Jezebel and her family grew up worshipping fake, phony, fraudulent, fruit loop “gods,” including Baal (that lava-loving loser, Satan’s, best friend!) and his female companion, Astarte (or Ashtoreth). Jezebel hated Yah (God), hated the mention of Yah (God), and hated anyone who worshipped the one and only true Yah (God) (eat my dust, you braindead bat! I’m sorry, did I say that out loud? Haha). Being the vindictive vixen and highly perfumed piece of trash that she was, Jezebel sunk her claws into King Ahab and convinced him to 1) turn his back on Yah (God) (NO! Where’s your backbone, King Ahab?! You spineless snowflake! Revoke your man card NOW!), 2) worship Baal-she even brought 450 prophets of Baal and 400 prophets of Ashtoreth along with her (NO! They’re evil FRAUDS! SHAM-GODS! IMPOSTORS!), and 3) build a temple and altar for Baal (and “Ashtoreth pole”) in Samaria (strike three! You jamokes are OUT!).
The Israelites were torn between worshipping Yah (God) and worshipping Baal (there’s nothing to be torn about! Yah is Yah, and Baal couldn’t hold Yah’s used jock strap! Period!), and tensions grew so high that Foot Fungus Felicia herself, Jezebel, ordered that all of Yah’s prophets be killed (OH NO SHE DIDN’T! Can I punt her like a football and show Cody Parkey how it’s done (you BLEW the Wild Card game, Parkey! You BLEW it!!!)?! Field goal! Haha jkjkjk Yahushua Hamashiach is love.). With it being so obvious that Jezebel wore the pants in the marriage (I repeat, King Ahab, REVOKE YOUR MAN CARD NOW!!!!!), King Ahab STUPIDLY went along with his wife’s plans, and Jezebel had several of Yah’s prophets brutally murdered (1 Kings 18:13 (KJV))…except Obadiah and Elijah (please check out my Witches Get Stitches! article to find out what happened to them, as well as how the EPIC confrontation between Yah/Elijah and Baal/King Ahab played out. SPOILER ALERT! Yah wins. Haha).
After King Ahab and Baal were royally embarrassed (or should I say, neutered. Haha) by Yah and Elijah, Jezebel, being the salty seaweed that she was, had an innocent man (Naboth) killed for no reason and proceeded to take his vineyard. Yah had enough of Jezebel’s nonsense, however, and just as dumb and dumber were going to take Naboth’s vineyard, Elijah popped out of the wilderness (surprise!) and told them about themselves-Yah’s not happy with you two! The Lord told Elijah that Jezebel would be eaten by dogs by the wall of Jezreel (they want their salty bacon strips NOW! That high-end waste of space was thrown out of a window and eaten by the doggies, y’all! Her death is detailed in my Witches Get Stitches! article also! I know it’s a cheap plug, but hey. Haha), and that Ahab and all of his heirs would be destroyed-Ahab would be killed in battle. Today’s article discusses Ahab’s death (which, to be clear, occurred roughly 10 years BEFORE Jezebel’s death-I just couldn’t wait to discuss Jezebel’s death. Please forgive me, Lord. Y’all know that I need help. Haha).
In the 22nd Chapter of 1 Kings, Israel, under Ahab and Jezebel, has enjoyed three years of peace (they haven’t been attacked or blown up by anyone. KABOOM!). While the King of Judah, Jehoshaphat, was visiting King Ahab in Israel (they were all buddy-buddy since Jehoshaphat’s son and Ahab’s daughter had gotten married), Ahab mentioned that Syria had conquered the city of Ramothgilead, which “rightfully” belonged to Israel, and Ahab asked Jehoshaphat to help Israel take Ramothgilead back (give it back! give it back! Mommy, it’s mine!). Jehoshaphat agrees to help Ahab re-conquer Ramothgilead, but he suggests that they ask Yah (God) what he thinks first (good idea!).
Ahab, being the butt-backwards bonehead and delusional dipstick and a half that he was, called 400 of his prophets (the Butthead Brigade, or should I say, Scum of the Earth Society?) together and asked them if he/Israel should fight against Syria to reclaim the city of Ramothgilead, and these no-spine-having, chapstick wearing yesmen lied through their teeth and told Ahab that he would defeat Syria in battle (oh, yeah! You’ve got this, your majesty! The Lord will help you to win! NOT!!!!!). Jehoshaphat wasn’t impressed by Ahab’s mindless yesmen (try again, amateurs!), and asked Ahab if he had any other prophets that he could ask, namely Micaiah.
Micaiah was available to talk, but King Ahab hated him, as Micaiah only gave him bad news (NO! Micaiah was a true man and prophet of Yah (God) and told you the truth about yourself, Ahab! You just didn’t want to hear and couldn’t handle the truth. Snowflake!). Jehoshaphat convinced Ahab to seek Micaiah’s godly wisdom, however, and Ahab sent a messenger to go get Micaiah.
Once Micaiah was before King Ahab, Ahab asked him if he’d win in battle against Syria. Micaiah decided to have a little fun with Ahab, and sarcastically lied and told Ahab that he would win, knowing that Syria was actually going to flatten that fool like pancakes at IHOP:
1 Kings 22:15 (KJV): Go, and prosper: for the Lord shall deliver it into the hand of the king.
King Ahab knew that Micaiah was full of it, as Micaiah was a true man of Yah (God) and had always told him (Ahab) the truth. As such, Ahab became upset and demanded that Micaiah tell him the truth. Micaiah put all jokes aside and told Ahab the Yah-honest truth about Israel’s battle with Syria:
1 Kings 22:17 (KJV): And he said, I saw all Israel scattered upon the hills, as sheep that have not a shepherd: and the Lord said, These have no master: let them return every man to his house in peace.
Awwww, snap! Micaiah just told Ahab that he himself, King Ahab, would be killed during the battle (as Elijah had predicted he would a few years earlier), that his men would have their behinds handed to them (Syria would chew bubblegum, kick butt, and ask questions later!), and that the surviving members of the Israeli army would return home without their “beloved” king (I can’t even type the word “beloved” with a straight face; Ahab was a GARBAGE king (that BUSTER was a Grade-A, primed and ready, USDA approved, flying piece of monkey trash! You flaming ignoramus! You-here’s a Snickers, Carletta. You get a little loopy when you’re hungry.)).
Of course, to no one’s surprise, Ahab couldn’t handle this news (do you see, Jehoshaphat?! I told you that Micaiah only gave me bad news! Forget this chump!), and he decided to ignore Micaiah’s warning (which Micaiah had received DIRECTLY FROM YAH (GOD)) and go into battle against Syria anyway (he clearly drank the moron’s milk with his Frosted Flakes that morning and had a Slurpee of stupid for lunch). Ahab will be sorry. Haha.
Micaiah isn’t finished yet, Ahab! Micaiah goes on to say that Yah (God) wanted Ahab to go into battle against Syria (to meet his doom), and as such, Yah put a lying spirit in all of Ahab’s prophets (making Ahab think he actually had a snowball’s chance in “you know what” of winning the battle) to convince Ahab to go. One of Ahab’s minions (and I don’t mean the cute, cuddly kind from the Despicable Me movies, either! Haha), I mean, yesmen, I mean, prophets, Zedekiah, took offense to this, smacked Micaiah in the face (oh, no he didn’t! Can I run Zedekiah over with my car?! Please?! Pretty please with sprinkles, cherries, and a diesel engine on top?!), accused Micaiah of being the liar, and Ahab threw Micaiah into prison (with just enough food and water to survive) until he “returned victorious” from battle (I want to backhand Ahab three ways into next week so badly right now. Please forgive me, Lord. Haha). Micaiah, knowing that he was right and that Ahab was wrong, simply said the following:
1 Kings 22:28 (KJV): And Micaiah said, If thou return at all in peace, the Lord hath not spoken by me. And he said, Hearken, O people, every one of you.
Micaiah challenged Ahab and told him that if he (Ahab) returned from battle alive, then he (Micaiah) was not a prophet (just a shameless liar). Of course, Micaiah knew that Ahab was going to die in battle, so he wasn’t worried. Haha. Surely enough, Ahab and Jehoshaphat ignored Micaiah’s warnings, Ahab dressed up like a normal soldier (Ahab didn’t know that the Syrian king had commanded his thirty-two chariot captains to not waste their time with regular soldiers, but to only go after King Ahab himself), they chased Jehoshaphat (thinking that he was Ahab, but soon realizing that he wasn’t and leaving him alone. Haha), and they finally got King Ahab right where they wanted him (he’s a dead man walking, y’all (the true Walking Dead- move around, Rick Grimes!)!).
King Ahab is suddenly hit by an arrow as he’s frantically driving his chariot during the battle. Ahab tells his servant to carry him from the field, but the battle is too hectic, and he’s not able to make it to safety. As such, King Ahab bleeds to death all over his chariot (Ding! Dong! The dipstick is dead!), the battle officially ends, King Ahab’s dead carcass is brought back to Samaria, and the dogs lick up his blood as they wash it away from his chariot and armor.
King Ahab is dead! King Ahab is dead! Micaiah was right! Ahab the Airhead didn’t survive the battle with Syria, his and Jezebel’s doofus-of-a-son, Ahaziah, became Israel’s new king (he was as much of a Baal-worshipping, clueless moron as his parents were), and Micaiah could hold his head high, knowing that he rightfully stood on Yah’s word and was proven correct!
Although the Bible does not tell us what happened to Micaiah after this (was he released from prison? Was he promoted to a position of power in Israel? How did he die?), we can be assured that Yah (God) was well-pleased with Micaiah’s unwavering (unchanging) faith in him,-he was willing to boldly and confidently tell the truth and stand on Yah’s word, regardless of the consequences (he was thrown in jail and given very little food and water)-, and due to this, Yah blessed Micaiah greatly (not only in terms of his life on Earth, but we know that Micaiah is with the Lord in Heaven, and will be living it up with him forevermore!).
Micaiah is a great example of how we should always stand up for whom and what we believe in, especially when it comes to our faith in Yah (Yah the Father (Yahuah-God Almighty), Yah the Son (Yahushua Hamashiach-Jesus Christ), and Yah the Holy Spirit (The Ruach-Holy Spirit)). When we boldly proclaim our faith in the Lord, regardless of the consequences, Yah is well pleased, he shall bless us here on Earth (give us good things), and we’ll live in our mansion on High and walk the streets of gold with Yah in Heaven forever (Aye! Turn up! Ain’t no party like a Holy Ghost party, ’cause a Holy Ghost party don’t stop! Party over here! Ooh-ooh! Party over here! Ooh-ooh!)! I can’t wait to see you all there!
I always like to end my posts by explaining how we all can become saved (give our lives to Yahushua Hamashiach (Jesus Christ)). Becoming saved is as simple as ABC:
· Admit that we’re sinners, and ask Yah (God) to please forgive us of our sins (bad things that we say, do, don’t do, and/or think, that Yah (God) doesn’t like) and help us to stop sinning (Please clean me up, Lord! I’m hot garbage, dipped in excrement, sprinkled in chitling grease on the inside (just STANKY!)!).
· Believe that Yahushua Hamashiach (Jesus Christ) is Yah’s (God’s) Son, that he died on the Cross/stake for our sins, that he rose from the dead (3 days later) with all power in his hands, that he’s back in Heaven, sitting at Yah’s (God’s) right hand right now, and that he’s coming back to get his children (take all believers home with him to Heaven) and to judge/destroy this wicked world.
· Commit ourselves to following Yahushua Hamashiach (Jesus Christ)(listen to him and live for/like him forevermore).
Once we’ve given our lives to Yahushua Hamashiach (Jesus Christ), we will live forever, y’all! When Yahushua Hamashiach (Jesus Christ) comes back to Earth, he shall raise the dead back to life, and those of us who have given our lives to him (both dead and still living at the time of his return) will receive new bodies, we’ll receive new names, and we’ll live with him in Heaven forever (cue the Dexter laugh!)! I’m looking forward to it! Let’s get it!
Given the length of today’s story, I will not do a modern-day remix of it. No worries, though (I’m still not THAT trifling!)! I have included a wonderful video from In The Gap Kids, which explains the story of Micaiah beautifully. I hope that you all enjoy it!
In The Gap Kids-Micaiah Tells The Truth-Bible Stories For Kids (YouTube):
With that being said, I love you all, Yah (God) bless you all, and I’ll see you all on the next one!