I See The Red Sea! Pharaoh’s A Weenie!

By: C.N.

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Would you stop being so stubborn?! I hate to burst anyone’s bubble, but we’re all hardheaded at times. For whatever reason, we all have those moments when we don’t want to listen, we think that we know it all, no one can tell us anything, and anything that anyone says goes in one ear and out the other (I can’t hear you! Na-na-na-na, boo-boo! If you do this in my household,  prepare to be flung 8 feet. Haha jkjkjk…somewhat). My southern grandparents always used to tell me that a hard head makes for a soft behind (softer than Charmin 2-ply and cotton, Baby. Haha-> https://amzn.to/2TBT9iZ). When we, as children, don’t listen, we are disciplined. This discipline can range from having our TV, phone, computer (except for homework and job hunting), game, and “fun time with friends” privileges taken away, to my personal favorite, opening up a big, fat can of whoop-calm down, Carletta! This isn’t wrasslin’ (though not listening can certainly lead to a little tough love-belts, hands, and rulers included. Haha-> https://amzn.to/2X03Hu9). When we inevitably get out of line, our parents must discipline us to 1) teach us right from wrong, 2) help us to make better decisions moving forward, and 3) become valuable members of society (no robbing candy stores, kids! I want some Frooties-> https://amzn.to/3eeKFWX). Just as our parents discipline us (out of love) when we misbehave, God also disciplines us (out of love) when we misbehave. This brings us to the story of Moses leading the Israelites out of Egypt in the Bible.

Back in the day (way, WAY back in the day), God promised Abraham that he would have more descendants (relatives) than he could count (I can’t invite all of them to the cookout!). For 430 years, Abraham’s relatives, the Israelites, were enslaved in Egypt under Pharaoh (this jamoke again. Haha). God told Moses to tell Pharaoh to free the Israelites from slavery (let my people go!), but Pharaoh wasn’t trying to hear that. When Pharaoh refused to let God’s people go, God sent ten terrible plagues (sickness/illness/disease/trouble) to Egypt, with the last plague being the worst of all. During this last plague, God sent a death angel to kill the first-born male child of every family, as well as kill the first-born of every animal. Why would a loving and caring God do such a thing? For 430 years, Pharaoh and the Egyptians (most of them) did not listen to God-they ignored God, disrespected God, worshiped fake gods, loved sin (bad things that we say, do, don’t do, or think), and didn’t care what God thought about it. God was tired of waiting on the Egyptians to get their acts together (he was more than patient with them-he waited 430 years!), and as such, he allowed the plagues to come to teach them a lesson (speaking of God teaching us a lesson-> https://amzn.to/2TEHdge ). Things had gotten so bad that Pharaoh told Moses to get out of Egypt (God told Moses that this would happen!), and he and the Israelites got out of there fast, quick, and in a hurry (put the Gameboy down! It’s time to go!). God’s about to show out! FLEX!

In the 14th Chapter of Exodus, Moses and 600,000 Israelites are getting out of Egypt in the middle of the night. God used fire to guide them at night, and used clouds to guide them during the day (Daddy, I can see!). God tells Moses to lead the Israelites toward the Red Sea, and warns Moses that Pharaoh is stubborn, will have a change of heart, and will come after the Israelites (that clown wanted to put them back into slavery!). Once the Israelites had left Egypt and were headed toward the Red Sea, Pharaoh became upset (his tighty-whities were in a bunch) because no one was left to do his work for him (how lazy are you?!), so he sent 600 of his best chariots/horsemen after Moses (run, Bullwinkle!). While Pharaoh and his minions (not the cute, yellow kind) were trying to chase Moses and the Israelites, Moses and his crew became trapped-to the east was the sea, to the west and south were mountains, and to the north was Pharaoh’s army. The Israelites became afraid (I sense much warmer undies), and…get this…actually wanted to go back to Egypt! Exodus 14: 11-12 (KJV) says the following:

Exodus 14: 11-12 (KJV): And they said unto Moses, Because there were no graves in Egypt, hast thou taken us away to die in the wilderness? wherefore hast thou dealt thus with us, to carry us forth out of Egypt? Is not this the word that we did tell thee in Egypt, saying, Let us alone, that we may serve the Egyptians? For it had been better for us to serve the Egyptians, than that we should die in the wilderness.

Have the Israelites been sniffing too many magic markers ( https://amzn.to/2TAqMBE)?! They told Moses that they wanted to go back to Egypt…to be slaves…but Moses told them that they didn’t have anything to worry about, as God was going to save them in the most miraculous of ways (it’s a miracle!). Moses began to pray, but God said the following:

Exodus 14: 15-16 (KJV): And the Lord said unto Moses, Wherefore criest thou unto me? speak unto the children of Israel, that they go forward: But lift thou up thy rod, and stretch out thine hand over the sea, and divide it: and the children of Israel shall go on dry ground through the midst of the sea.

Wow! God told Moses to stop praying, and start moving! Let’s be clear, here. It is extremely important to pray to God (in the mighty name of his son, and our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ) about everything, but when it’s time to act, it’s time to act! We should not use prayer to stall, waste time, or keep from doing what God has told us to do. Let’s move it! Move it! Move it! Haha

As Pharaoh and his army were gaining ground on the Israelites (those jokes and a half), God moved the pillars of clouds and fire in between the Israelites and the Egyptian army so that one side was complete darkness, and one side was light; neither side came into contact with the other. Just when it seemed like there was no way for the Israelites to escape, God “pushed the sea back with a strong east wind…turn[ing] the sea into dry land…[t]he waters were parted…[the Israelites] went through the sea on dry ground…[t]here was a wall of water on their right side, and on their left” (Exodus 14: 21-22 (KJV)). God parted the Red Sea, y’all  (and it looked much better than me  trying to part my hair on a good day. Haha)! Pharaoh and his army continued to chase the Israelites, but God had something up his sleeve (that beautiful, divine sleeve): God made the Egyptians’ chariots hard to drive (no fast horseys for you!), and when they tried to run away from the Red Sea (Code 10! Water overload! Code 10! Water overload!), God told Moses to lift his hand over the Sea, the waters rushed back like a hairline running away from a grown man’s forehead, and the entire Egyptian army drowned (Ding-dong! The dummies are dead!). EVERY SINGLE MEMBER of Pharaoh’s army died; not one survived. God has saved the Israelites! God has saved the Israelites!

I love this story so much! It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside (and no, that’s not gas. Haha-> https://amzn.to/2ZxslEl). God wins again, and shows that when you trust him, he can do the impossible (nothing is impossible with God! Thank you, Jesus!). I wonder how things would have played out if this had happened today?  Let’s get to remixing! NOTE: I will be utilizing modern-day language, technology, and ways of living in this story, as we’re picturing this happening today.

I See The Red Sea! Pharaoh’s A Weenie!

By: C.N.

Biblical Reference: Exodus 14: 1-31 (KJV)

*God instructs Moses to tell Pharaoh to free the Israelites from slavery (let my people go!), but Pharaoh isn’t listening. God sends 10 plagues to Egypt (the 10th plague included killing the first-born male child of every family, as well as killing the first-born of every animal), Pharaoh tells Moses to leave Egypt immediately, 600,000 Israelites leave with him, and the games begin! God guides Moses and the Israelites with a pillar of clouds by day, and a pillar of fire by night. Daddy, we can see!*

GOD ALMIGHTY: Listen up, Moses. Here’s the game plan (you’re the quarterback, Moses! We’re depending on you!). Tell the Israelites to follow you, turn and camp out before Pihahiroth, between Migdol and the Sea, over against Baalzephon. You all will camp out by the Red Sea.

Moses: Whatever you say, Lord! You’re coach of the year for a reason (rings on rings on rings)!

GOD ALMIGHTY: We both know that Pharaoh is stubborn (hence, the plagues), and as such, I’m going to harden his heart, make him change his mind about letting you all go, and he’s going to send his army of 600 horse-drawn chariots to try to stop you all. Don’t worry, though; I’ll deal with those chumps. I’m going to perform a miracle (that’s what I do!), save you all, and show them that I am the one and only true God. You’re going to help me. This is my yard!

Moses: I love it, Lord! I’m ready! I ate my raw eggs this morning, bench-pressed 565 pounds at the gym (BOSS!), ran two miles in 5 minutes flat (that boy is fast!), and drank a whole case of Gatorade (I hope you went to the bathroom, Moses. There will be plenty of water ahead!)! I’m game! Let’s do this!

*As God had promised, Pharaoh realized that he didn’t want to mow his own lawn anymore (you lazy bum!), and wanted the Israelites to return to Egypt. He organized an army with 600 of his best chariots and horsemen, and sent them after Moses and the Israelites-he wants his free labor back (no pay, no play!)!*

Israelites (scared to death): Stop, Moses! We’re trapped! The sea is to the east, the mountains are to the south and west, and those entitled, overpaid imbeciles (Pharaoh’s army) are to the north; we don’t have anywhere to go! If you wanted to torture us and make us feel like trapped sardines (mmm, sardines), you should have just superglued us to the couch and made us watch Mariah Carey’s “Glitter” over and over again (No offense, Mariah Carey fans! That movie was garbage. Haha)! Why did you drag us out here to die?! We could have stayed in Egypt and done that! We told you to leave us alone, and that we were just fine where we were! We want to go home (are these fools seriously organizing a “Back to Egypt” committee?! You all were slaves! BRUH?!)!

Moses: No need to worry, everyone! God is going to save us and show us how good, mighty, and powerful he really is (God’s power game is on FLEEK!)! Let’s just be cool, sit back, relax, be still, and know that God is GOD. He loves us and is on our side. I promise you all that after today, you’ll never see the Egyptian army again! I’m going to pray for you all right now.

*Moses begins to pray, but God stops him in his tracks*

GOD ALMIGHTY: Moses, you know that I love you, but why are you talking instead of moving? I told you what to do, you already know that I have your back, and you don’t have time to waste. Less talking, more action. Lift up your rod, stretch out your hand over the Red Sea, and divide it. I will provide you all with dry land to get across. Pharaoh’s army will continue to come after you all, but I’ll take care of them. No one messes with my children! I brought the Egyptians into this world, and I’ll be the one to take them out!

Moses: You’ve got it, Lord!

*God placed the pillars of clouds and fire in between the Israelites and Pharaoh’s army-one side was complete darkness, and the other side was light. The Israelites and Egyptians never came into contact with each other that night. Pikaboo, we can’t see you!*

Moses: I stretch out my hand over the Red Sea!

*The Lord caused the sea to go back by a strong east wind all that night, and made the sea dry land, and the waters were divided. And the children of Israel went into the midst of the sea upon the dry ground: and the waters were a wall unto them on their right hand, and on their left (water to the left and right of them!). And the Egyptians pursued, and went in after them to the midst of the sea, even all Pharaoh’s horses, his chariots, and his horsemen.*

GOD ALMIGHTY: So you all think that you’re bad, Egyptian army (bad to the bone!)? Let’s see how bad you all are when you can’t drive your precious little chariots (be gone, wheels!), and start running away from the Red Sea like that little girl ran away from the shark in the “Jaws” movie. And it is so!

*Pharaoh’s army started running away from the Red Sea, but they wouldn’t get very far. Amateurs. Haha *

GOD ALMIGHTY: Moses, stretch out your hand over the Sea again, and the waters will overtake the Egyptian army, drowning all of them at once. Bye-bye, Egyptians! You won’t be coming again soon!

Moses: Yes, Sir! I stretch out my hand over the Red Sea!

*The Red Sea rushed back (like shoppers rush to Target on Black Friday), drowning Pharaoh’s army; not one member of the army survived*

Israelites: It’s a miracle! It’s a miracle! God has saved us from the Egyptian army! He flattened those fools like pancakes at IHOP! YEAAAAHHHHHHHH! All praise to the Most High God! All praise to the Most High God! You were right, Moses! We’re so sorry that we doubted you and God. Please forgive us, Moses. Please forgive us, Lord! We worship you! Hallelujah!!!!

Moses: It’s all good, everyone! I told you that God was going to bring us through! He’s faithful and true to his word! Praise God! Hallelujah! Always remember, the greatest of all time is a lamb (Jesus Christ), not a goat!

-C.N.