The Jordan Has Cooties!

By: Carletta Traylor aka C.N.

Who didn’t love going to the doctor as a kid (come on! You know that you loved getting shots, seeing your blood ooze like lava, and getting those cheap suckers and $0.25 games that broke as soon as you walked out of the office for your pain and suffering!)?! Whether we chose to visit Dr. Spud, or our parents dragged us to his office by our legs (SO MUCH FUN…except when I had to pick twigs out of my behind. Haha), we all had to visit the doctor from time to time (when we were sick, to get our yearly physicals/checkups, and/or to get our shots for school).

 

Although we never liked the idea of going to the doctor, the appointments were never as bad as we made them out to be (unless your doctor talked ridiculously close to your face with hot, STANK breath-Lord, please bless this man with some Tic-Tacs, Icebreakers, Dentyne, and assorted breath mints IMMEDIATELY! I’M MELTING! THE PRECIOUS!), and we always realized that our fear of going to the doctor was much worse than the actual appointment itself (we felt like Boo-Boo the Fool afterwards. Haha).

 

While God has blessed us with many great doctors, dentists, and specialists (what’s good, my psychiatrists?!?!?!?!?!?! Haha), God himself is the ultimate doctor-he’s the doctor that never fails, and has never lost a case (Hallelujah! Thank you, Jesus! Praise the Lord! God is good!). No matter what our sickness is (cancer, diabetes, heart disease, the sickness of STILL thinking that SUGARLESS Krispy Kreme donuts are a good idea!!!!!), if we trust and believe in God’s power (in the mighty name of Jesus Christ), God can and will perform miracles!

 

In light of today being Day#3 of my “Are These Dudes Nuts?!” series, we’re going to visit a man who tried to question God’s healing power-Frosty the Snowman himself, Naaman the Leper.

 

In the 5th Chapter of 2 Kings, we’re introduced to a man named Naaman. Naaman was under the rule of the Aramian King (what’s your name, King? IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS!!!!! That’s for you, wrestling fans…if you smell what The Rock is cooking. Haha), and he was a great soldier (he tore up some SERIOUS enemy tushy, y’all! He was chewing bubble gum, kicking butt, and taking names! Haha). Naaman had led the Aramian army to many great victories, but he had one slight problem…Naaman was a leper.

 

Leprosy is an infectious disease where one’s outer skin becomes covered in white or red bumps, and one’s skin becomes extremely sore, numb, and weak. Just think: Naaman was the commander of the Aramian army, knocking fools out left and right, yet he oftentimes was so sore and weak that he could barely move, couldn’t feel himself move, and looked like a chandelier and frosted Christmas ornament all wrapped into one (I’m not making fun of people with leprosy! I just like to find the humor in every situation. Haha). How was Naaman able to accomplish such a great feat with such a terrible disease? That’s an easy one! It was God and God alone (Praise the Lord!)!

 

During one of Aram’s conquests, a few select losers decided to kidnap a young Israelite girl (can I “kidnap” their man cards?! Operation Revoke Your Man Card is underway…pansies! Haha), bringing her to Naaman and his wife, where she became Naaman’s wife’s servant. This young girl told Naaman’s wife that her husband could be healed of his leprosy by the Samarian prophet, Elisha (Elisha was one of God’s prophets and Elijah’s mentee; Elijah was God’s greatest prophet), and the King of Aram sent a letter to the King of Israel to heal Naaman (you need to be healed, Naaman! Now GIT! Haha).

The King of Israel was a clueless jamoke and knew that he couldn’t heal Naaman of his leprosy-he tore his robe (are you having a mental breakdown, dude?!), explained that only God could heal Naaman (he at least had the sense of a bat. Haha), Elisha heard about this, and Elisha sent for Naaman (YO, NAAMAN?! COME OVER HERE!). Naaman arrived at Elisha’s front door, and Elisha sent one of his messengers to deliver the following message to Naaman:

 

2 Kings 5:10 (KJV)-And Elisha sent a messenger unto him, saying, Go and wash in Jordan seven times, and thy flesh shall come again to thee, and thou shalt be clean.

 

If Naaman washes himself in the Jordan River, he’ll be healed of his leprosy, y’all (bumps, be gone!)! Instead of Naaman being grateful for this life-changing information and doing what Elisha told him to do, this clown and a half starts complaining! Wah! Wah! Wah! Why didn’t Elisha himself come out and talk to me?! I’m the great and mighty warrior, Naaman! I’m all that and a bag of chips on the battlefield (being cockier than roosters isn’t cute. Haha)! I have street cred! Elisha needs to greet me! Why hasn’t Elisha greeted me?!

 

Naaman’s complaining didn’t stop there:

 

Why do I have to wash in the Jordan River?! That river is filthy! There’s no telling what kind of bacteria and diseases are swimming around in there! The Jordan River has cooties! The Abana, Pharpar, and Damascus Rivers are a lot cleaner than the Jordan! Why can’t I wash in one of those rivers instead?! Wah! Wah! Wah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Garble! Garble! Garble! Will someone please get this dipstick some warm milk and his blankie?! He clearly needs a nap and a WAMbulance!!!!

 

Naaman’s messenger explains to him that his message is straight from Elisha, which is straight from God (you better recognize, boy!)-shut your piehole, and go wash in the Jordan River, Naaman! Naaman pulls his head out of his rear end (it was so far up his backside that he was giving himself a colonoscopy-ouch. Haha) and goes to the Jordan River to wash himself. Being the scared and siddity weenie that he is, Naaman didn’t fully immerse himself in the Jordan River (let’s go swimming!), but simply dipped himself in the Jordan seven times. God, being the gracious (giving us rewards we don’t deserve) and merciful (not giving us the punishments we do deserve) Heavenly Father that he is (remember, he loved us so much that he sent his son, and our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, to die on the Cross for our sins), still loved Naaman and instantly healed him of his leprosy! His leprosy is gone! His leprosy is gone!

 

Naaman quickly ran back to Elisha’s house and recognized that there was only one true God-the God of Israel who had just healed him of his leprosy (Hallelujah!)! Naaman wanted to pay Elisha for what he had done, but Elisha would not take any money or gifts from Naaman (I didn’t help you for the bling-bling or the ching-ching; I was simply doing God’s will. My man! Haha).

 

Elisha’s servant, Gehazi, thought that Elisha was being too nice to Naaman (uh-uhhhhh, Elisha! This sucka owes you something! You just helped to heal him of his leprosy! Make him give you some gold, some silver, some frankincense, something!). As such, this greedy imbecile went after Naaman, lied and told him that Elisha had changed his mind and wanted some silver and clothing, Naaman gave Gehazi the silver and clothing, and Gehazi ran home, like he had actually done something impressive (moron. Haha).

 

When Gehazi returned to Elisha, Elisha asked him where he had been (already knowing where Gehazi had been and what he’d done). Gehazi lied through his buck teeth and said that he hadn’t been anywhere (Liar! Liar! Pants on fire!), and as punishment for his greed (and as Chris Jericho used to say, for being a STUPID IDIOT! Haha I’m sorry.), Elisha told Gehazi that he (Gehazi) would become a leper-as soon as Gehazi began to walk away, his skin turned white as snow (I’m dreaming of a white Christmas!), and he became a leper! HAHAHAHAHAHA! You tried to be a selfish scumbag, Gehazi, and it epically backfired! Not only did you not get to keep the silver and clothes that you stole from Naaman, but you now have Naaman’s former disease-you’re a loser and a leper! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! God doesn’t like ugly! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

 

I love this story! I will not do a modern-day remix to this story, as I have found two great YouTube videos that explain things beautifully (I don’t want to steal their shine. Haha)! The first video is from 1955, whereas the second video is from 2014-they are both AWESOME (y’all know that God has swag! Haha)! Enjoy!

 

The Bible Channel-“Naaman the Leper-Moody Bible Story” (YouTube):


 

Fat Aussie Barsted-“Elijah & Naaman Bible Stories For Children” (YouTube):


I love you all, God bless you all, and I’ll see you all on the next one!

-Carletta

18 thoughts on “The Jordan Has Cooties!

  1. Carletta,
    That was probably the most engaging bible story I ever recall reading. And this is coming from a guy who went to Catholic schools from K-8. Very nicely written. I really like how you inject copy that connects directly to the kids. Nice work!

    1. Thank you so much, Karl! I love God, love people, and love to laugh-why not combine all three for the glory of God? Haha I definitely want learning about Jesus Christ and the Bible to be as fun, enjoyable, understandable, and relatable as possible, for children and adults alike. I’m so happy that you enjoyed my story! I’ll definitely keep them coming! God bless you!

  2. Love reading your Bible stories. This one is no different. Great job, telling such a dynamic lesson in a way that children and adults can relate. Love that you insert comedy amongst the seriousness off this story and the lesson it teaches.

    1. Thank you so much, Annette! That’s the beauty of the Bible-no matter how many times you read it (even if you read the same passage of scripture over and over again), you always learn something new, and there’s always a new lesson to apply to our lives. As my Pastor says, “Bible” stands for Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth-God’s Word is our road map for how to live this life, and how to have eternal life in Heaven (thank you, Jesus!). I’m so happy that you enjoyed my story! God bless you!

  3. This was another great story with a clear message. Don’t be greedy, and perhaps don’t whine like Naaman ;-). Kids in school are going to love reading these! And adults too 😉
    Have you thought of approaching Catholic or Christian schools with these stories?

    1. Thank you so much, Christine! Being greedy gets you nowhere, and whining gets your diaper changed. Haha God has a sense of humor, and I’m so grateful that he has allowed me to take part in it (thank you, Jesus! Haha). I actually have not thought about approaching Christian/Catholic schools with these stories, but I definitely want to reach as many people with God’s truth as possible. I’ll definitely keep that in mind! God bless you!

  4. Great article! I love this story and every Bible story. It was well put together, and the humor would definitely keep a person on their toes. 🙂 The explanation of the storyline and connecting it with modern expressions makes it accessible for those who may be a little put off by formal Biblical language. The morals come across clearly I believe both children and adults alike will love your stories.

    Thanks for sharing your stories.
    Darrin

    1. Thank you so much, Darrin! I definitely want learning about Jesus Christ and the Bible to be as fun, enjoyable, understandable, and relatable as possible, for children and adults alike. I’m so happy that you’re enjoying my posts! I will definitely keep them coming. God bless you!

  5. I love the meme about naaman that you added in, very funny!

    It’s great that you make these both fun and educational too. I didn’t know that leprosy caused such issues.

    Again another interesting read!

    Keep up the good work.

    1. Thank you so much, Sharon! This story taught me about leprosy as well, and I am astounded that Naaman was such a valiant soldier with the disease, though definitely not surprised (God was empowering him to be a mighty soldier, though he didn’t initially believe in the one, true God). With God, all things are possible (thank you, Jesus!). I’m so happy that you enjoyed my story! God bless you!

    1. Thank you so much, Glenn! I’m so happy that you enjoyed my story, and I pray that you and your children have a wonderful time reading it together (God definitely has a sense of humor. Haha). God bless you!

  6. Yet another great read.

    I love your take on what normally is quite a serious area.

    Your take on these bible stories keep the audience wanting more, well it certainly does for me anyway.

    I remember when I went to Sunday school that the stories told were not laid out for the kids who went and hard to understand. We could have done with your type of adaptions to make it so much easier and enjoyable.

    A modern take on what are old stories!

    Thank you for sharing.

    1. Thank you so much, Mick! God has certainly blessed me with a sense of humor, and I will forever use it for his glory! Haha I’ve always wanted learning about Jesus Christ and the Bible to be fun and understandable for everyone, and this passion drove me to create this website in the first place. We all need Jesus, I want us all to see Heaven one day, and I want growing in him to be an exciting ride. Haha Our stories will never be the same again! Haha God bless you!

  7. Hi Carletta. You have tell this story in your own fun way! Thank you for sharing..:-) The two videos are interesting too. Everyone of us has our own healing power if we believe in ourselves. Because we are all part of the God. Believe in ourselves indirectly mean believe in God.

    1. Thank you so much, Janet! When we repent of our sins (ask God to forgive us and help us to stop sinning), believe in the Gospel of Jesus Christ, ask Jesus into our lives as our Lord and Savior, and follow him the rest of our lives, not only does God live within us (through the Holy Spirit), but Heaven will be our eternal home. To have God with us is to know a peace, love, and joy that surpasses all understanding. Regardless of what we’re going through, if we keep our eyes on Jesus, and have faith in the power of God, he will bless us, he will help us, and he will bring us through! Hallelujah! God bless you!

  8. Thank you for your post and great story! I didn’t like going to doctor when I was a kid too in fact. But If I was a kid, I would love to read such stories and want more. Because story it’s the easiest way explaining to children, and they will want more and more. Because it contains educational function too, so that for parents and children it’s win-win situation.

    Have a nice day!
    Ling

    1. Thank you so much, Ling! I love Jesus Christ, love to laugh, and love people-why not combine all three for the glory of God? Haha. I want learning about Jesus Christ and the Bible to be as fun, enjoyable, relatable, and understandable as possible, for children and adults alike. I’m so happy that you enjoyed my story! I will definitely keep them coming! God bless you!

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