Now Serving, Chop Johnny!
By: Carletta Traylor aka C.N.
Why do some women feel that they can get away with bloody murder (both literally and figuratively) because of their looks?! I mean, really, your floaty fun bags are only going to take you so far, Honey. Whether you have long hair, pretty eyes, the cutest dimples I’ve ever seen (I could just pinch your widdle cheeks! Wait, you’re not a baby. That’s creepy. Haha), or the face of an angel (that acne is well under control, huh? Haha jkjkjk I can’t talk-my face feels like one of those Braille menus from McDonalds. Haha), sin is sin (bad things that we say, do, don’t do, and/or think-God is not pleased) and wrong is wrong (almost as wrong as those SUGARLESS donuts from Krispy Kreme! Why not just give me a glazed piece of wax paper to eat?! Haha jkjkjk), and you should not be able to get away with it (you may be able to fool people, but you’ll never be able to fool God). In light of today being Day#6 of my “Are These Women Crazy?!” series, we will now explore the death of John the Baptist in the Bible.
If some of you will recall from an earlier post, Waterworks! John the Baptist Baptizes Jesus, John the Baptist was both Jesus’s blood cousin (they were born 6 months apart-Johnny edged him out. Haha) and the man who baptized Jesus Christ in the Jordan River (how cool is it to baptize your cuz, who just happens to be the Lord and Savior of the world?! Wet willy! Haha). Many people consider John the Baptist to be the forerunner to (prelude to) Jesus Christ, as he warned the people to repent of (turn away from) their sins (ask God to forgive them of their sins and help them to stop sinning), and he preached about the Kingdom of God before Jesus began his three-year earthly ministry; once Jesus stepped on the scene (began his ministry), he also preached repentance and taught the people about the Kingdom of God. I see a family resemblance! Haha.
In the books of Matthew and Mark (the 14th Chapter of Matthew and the 6th Chapter of Mark), we see that John the Baptist is in prison. Our man was thrown into jail for being against the marriage of Herod Antipas (ruler of Galilee and Perea) and Herodias (why are their names so similar? Haha). Here’s the skinny: Herodias was the granddaughter of Herod the Great (king of the Jews in the Roman Empire), and being the nasty, bottom-feeding, power-hungry, trifling Trudy that she was, she married two of her uncles, Herod Philip I and Herod Antipas (ewwwwwwwwwww! I should backhand all three of them-Three’s Company, Hood Edition (rest in peace, John Ritter)!).
As if it wasn’t RIDICULOUS enough that this clown married her own uncles (and their trash-bag behinds went along with it!), Herod Antipas had divorced his previous wife and unlawfully married Herodias, stealing her from his brother, Herod Philip I (this entire dysfunctional family belongs on Jerry Springer, y’all! SMH). John the Baptist, being the man of God that he was, wasn’t going for that foolishness-he disagreed with Herod Antipas and Herodias’s marriage and openly voiced his disapproval of (and disgust with) their relationship. Since the powers that be were sensitive snowflakes who couldn’t handle criticism, they put John the Baptist in jail for having a backbone and standing on the Word of God (no gummy bear Christians here!).
Herodias (that loose wet wipe) had a daughter, Salome (she was Herod Antipas’s stepdaughter), who was a very good dancer (Jenny from the block ain’t got NUTHIN’ on her! Haha). On Herod Antipas’s birthday (like anyone cares about his birthday. Haha), Salome danced for him and his guests; Herod was so pleased with his stepdaughter’s dancing that he promised to give her whatever her heart desired (can I punch a hole through his throat, please?! He’s a creep! I’m sorry. Please forgive me, Lord. Say no to violence, kids. Jesus is love. Haha). Herodias, as a way to get revenge on John the Baptist for criticizing her marriage to her UNCLE, Herod Antipas (I want to snatch her head so badly right now, y’all! It will be unbeWEAVEable! Haha jkjkjk), persuaded her daughter to ask for John the Baptist’s head on a platter.
The apple of stupid unfortunately didn’t fall far from the tree, as Salome agreed to this IDIOTIC request-she told Herod that she wanted John the Baptist’s decapitated head on a platter, as if this was supposed to be some grand birthday present (how about I shoot you out of a cannon for his birthday? Oh, look! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s your idiot stepdaughter going face first into a tree! Haha). Although Herod hated this request and didn’t want to kill John the Baptist in this way, this spineless Twizzler was afraid to look bad (i.e. look weak) in front of his guests, and thus, reluctantly agreed to behead John the Baptist (WHYYY???????!!!!! He and Pontius Pilate (the Roman governor who disagreed with crucifying Jesus Christ, but nonetheless allowed it to happen) clearly read from the same book of BULL-shut your mouth! Both Herod and Pontius were too afraid of the people to go against RIDICULOUSLY STUPID REQUESTS!!!!! I’ll simmer down, though (stifle yourself, Edith!!!), as God’s will was going to be done, no matter what (especially in regard to Jesus dying on the Cross for our sins)).
As such, John the Baptist was beheaded in the prison of Machaerus, his head was brought to Salome (who gave it to her LUNATIC mother, Herodias), Jesus’s disciples buried John the Baptist’s body (after hearing what had happened to him), and they told Jesus what had just happened to his cousin. SPOILER ALERT! Jesus was NOT happy about this, and he’s going to get his revenge, Boy! Haha.
Wow! Herodias is a flaming tub of scum (I’m sorry. I just had to get that off of my chest. Haha). You decided to be a little hoochie mama, and John the Baptist had to die for it?! No worries, though; God and righteousness will always win in the end (thank you, Jesus!). I’ve been dreaming about this modern-day remix, y’all (I woke up on the floor, crust in my eyes, drool down both sides of my chin (looking like Dracula! AHHHH! THE HORROR!!! Haha), hair looking like Buckwheat, and everything! Haha)! Without further ado, let’s get to remixing! NOTE: I will be utilizing modern day language, technology, and ways of living in this story, as we’re picturing this happening today.
Now Serving, Chop Johnny!
By: Carletta Traylor aka C.N.
Biblical Reference: Matthew 14:1-12 (KJV); Mark 6:14-29 (KJV)
*John the Baptist (Jesus’s cousin and the man who baptized Jesus in the Jordan River) has been thrown in jail for openly opposing the marriage of Herod Antipas (ruler of Galilee and Perea) and Herodias (nasty, golddigging MANIAC!). Herod and Herodias are uncle and niece (AWWWW, HECKY NAWWWWWWW!!!!), and 1) this is the second uncle that Herodias has married (the first was her uncle Herod Philip I); 2) Herod Antipas unlawfully married his NIECE by divorcing his wife and snatching Herodias, his NIECE, from his BROTHER, Herod Philip I (this bat-crap crazy family belongs on Jerry Springer, y’all! You all DISGUST me!!!!! Haha).
John the Baptist, being the man of God (and predecessor to his cousin, Jesus Christ) that he was, wasn’t going for this foolishness and let everyone know what he thought (my kind of guy! Haha). The government (especially Herod Antipas and Herodias themselves) was made up of extra sugary pixie sticks (SNOWFLAKES! Haha), and since they couldn’t handle criticism, they had John the Baptist arrested outside of Wal-Mart (on John’s day off too-he was a hardworking stock boy, y’all! Haha Can’t a man buy his frozen pizza and ceiling fan in peace?! Haha) and thrown in jail (and no one had the money to bail him out after the 4th of July! WEAK! Haha jkjkjk).
Today is Herod’s birthday, and Herodias (that butt-backwards JAMOKE!) is just looking for a way to get back at John the Baptist for calling her out on her nonsense (you deserve the criticism, clown!).*
Herodias (to her husband, her UNCLE (moron!), Herod Antipas): Happy birthday, Sweetheart (YUCK!)! I love you, love you, love you! Today is going to be a great day! I have a BIG surprise for you (we bet you do, clown. We bet you do. Haha)!
Herod Antipas (to his wife, his NIECE (dipstick!), Herodias): Thank you so much, Baby! I love you more, love you more, love you moreeeeee! I’m so excited! You always buy me the BEST gifts (so she bought you a $150,000 Ferrari with TVs and a waterfall in the back-BIG DEAL, LOSER! Haha)! How much did you spend this year (with your THIRSTY behind! Calm down!)?!
Herodias: Hahahaha. Let’s just say that this year’s gift is PRICELESS!
Herod Antipas: I can’t wait!!!!
*Herodias convinces her daughter, Salome (Herod Antipas’s stepdaughter) to dance for Herod and his guests at his surprise birthday party. That girl can move, y’all! She won 1st place on Britain’s Got Talent with her hip-hop dance routine! YOU GO, GIRL!!!! Haha.*
-Salome dances for her stepdad and his guests, and Herod ABSOLUTELY LOVES IT, y’all! He’s up jumping, screaming, clapping, and acting like a 12 year old girl at a Jojo Siwa concert (don’t worry! I won’t make fun of Jojo Siwa…today. Haha). He can’t help but to embarrass himself; he’s a grade-A circus monkey. Haha.
Herod Antipas (clapping and acting like a complete maniac): That’s my stepdaughter, y’all! That’s my baby! That’s my baby! That’s my baby! You did such a good job, Honey! Daddy absolutely loved your performance! They should have cast you in Step Up, not what’s-her-face!
Salome: Thank you so much, Daddy! I love you!
Herod Antipas: I love you more, Sweetie! Listen, you did such a good job that I want to do something nice for you. Whatever you want, Princess, it’s yours! Just say the word, and Daddy will get it for you!
Salome: OH MY GOODNESS!!!! Thank you, Daddy! Are you serious right now? Like forreal, forreal? Is Ashton Kutcher hiding in the bushes?! Am I being Punk’d right now?!
Herod Antipas: I’m so serious, Sweetheart! You’re not being Punk’d right now, Ashton isn’t hiding in the bushes (he better not be! Haha), and whatever you want, it’s yours!
Salome: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!! THANK YOU, DADDY! Can I think about it for a minute?
Herod Antipas: You take all of the time that you need, Princess.
*Herodias hears everything, quickly pulls her daughter to the side, and sinks her evil claws into her (WITCH!). Herodias is still salty about John the Baptist calling her out on her foolishness (that backwoods union she calls a marriage), and as such, she convinces Salome to ask Herod for John the Baptist’s head on a platter (some parts of the world are completely nuts, and they do still try to kill people this way). Salome was drowning in the stupid juice, actually agrees to ask her stepfather for this, and proceeds to spew that hot garbage from her diarrhea hole (I mean, her mouth. Haha). *
Salome: Daddy, I know what I want now.
Herod Antipas: Go ahead, Princess.
Salome: I want John the Baptist’s head on a platter!
Herod Antipas: Come again?
Salome: I want John the Baptist’s head on a platter, Daddy! He said all of these mean things about you and Mommy, ran our family’s name through the mud (he was on TMZ, y’all! Haha), and he doesn’t feel bad about it! I don’t like him, Daddy! I want his head! I want John the Baptist’s head!
Herod Antipas (reluctant, not wanting to do this, but afraid to disappoint his daughter and look bad in front of his guests): *Deep sigh* Ok, Princess. If it’s John the Baptist’s head that you want, it’s John the Baptist’s head that you’ll get.
*Herod proceeds to sign an executive order to have John the Baptist beheaded, and John the Baptist is beheaded in the prison of Machaerus. The wards bring John’s decapitated head to Salome, Salome gives it to her mother (can I push Herodias off of a cliff?! Please?! Please?! Haha), Jesus’s disciples find out what has happened and bury John’s body, and they proceed to tell Jesus what these imbeciles have just done to his cousin. Jesus isn’t laughing, y’all (that’s a holy ticking off, if there ever was one!)! God will take care of those toe rags! Good will always trump evil! Hallelujah!*
I hope that you all enjoyed today’s story, y’all! I love you all, God bless you all, and I’ll see you all on the next one!
22 thoughts on “Now Serving, Chop Johnny!”
Those women were bad! Salome and Herodias … ew! I know this story and it always made me sad, poor John the Baptist … All he did was criticize a stupid woman who deserved the criticism … although intermarrying was still more accepted in those days … but still … Poor John! Herodias and Salome have always been known as those evil tricksters … what I did not remember was that Herodias was Herod’s niece and shared his name, sort of. Ew, ew, ew …
Do you know if Herodias and Salome got what they deserved?
Thank you so much, Christine! Herodias was just outright wicked, as she was willing to corrupt herself and her family for the sake of power. Though John the Baptist was senselessly murdered for his faith and convictions, he died a noble martyr and will certainly inherit the Kingdom of Heaven (Holy Ghost party time! Haha). This nutjob family was prime picking for Maury Povich and Jerry Springer (those trash shows. Haha). Following John the Baptist’s execution, a few things happened: 1) Herod was defeated in battle and lost his Kingdom, 2) Herod, Herodias and Salome were forced into exile, 3) Salome fell through a sheet of ice and had her head cut off from the ice (oh, the irony! She had John the Baptist beheaded, and she, herself, lost her head), 4) Herodias fell through the frozen Sicoris River and also died a miserable death (she drowned and froze to death), and 5) Herod died a painful death (though the Bible does not specify just how he died/what he died from). God certainly avenged his righteous child, John the Baptist (thank you, Jesus! Haha). Evildoers will never escape God’s wrath; good will always trump evil (Hallelujah!). God bless you!
What a tragic story! The story about the faith and fate of John the Baptist is so painful to imagine or retell. A great messenger and prophet of God a fore-runner of Jesus being beheaded to pacify a wicked heart Herodias and her daughter Salome. Why must she make that kind of request?
May God have mercy! I will say this, men are careful about what you ask for when you are on top of power. And women, how long will you continue to allow yourself and the influence God gave you to be used to destroy destinies? Delila did it to Sampson, Eve to Ada, Jezebel, and many I cannot remember handy.
Women, we are meant to give life and not to take it away.
Also, this shows the hatred in people’s hearts against Christ and His followers, because they are reproving them of sins. It is still the same hatred going on today all over the world. Where the voice of evil wants to be elevated against moral voices.
Thanks, Carlleta for sharing this amazing story and with great images.
Thank you so much, Sarah! It’s heartbreaking to see how far we as a people have fallen-the sin, the evil, the hate, the greed, the envy, the lust, the violence, the division, etc. Satan comes as a lion, ready to steal, kill, and destroy as many precious souls as he can (we rebuke thee, Satan, in the mighty name of Jesus Christ!). It is only by the blood of Jesus Christ that we can be cleansed of our sins, we can be made whole, and we can inherit the Kingdom of Heaven. While I do not believe that God brought about this pandemic, I do believe that he’s allowing it to happen to wake this world up and get the world’s attention: we must repent of and turn away from our sins/wickedness, truly believe in and turn to Jesus Christ, ask him into our lives as our Lord and Savior, and follow him forevermore, that we will not perish, but have everlasting life. When we humble ourselves and pray, and turn from our wicked ways, Heaven will hear our prayers, and God will heal our land. It’s time for all of us-men, women, boys, and girls-to snap out of it, and get our houses in order. Our earthly and eternal futures depend on it. God bless you!
Wow. What a story! I remember this story but your retelling made it much more REAL. I feel like I need a shower after all that drama!
Thank you so much, Brianna! God blessed me with a very creative imagination, and I will forever use it for his glory! I need a shower after writing that. Haha God bless you!
To read the bible and translate its content into such an interesting article makes you simply a genius. You make bible stories very interesting.
Herod Antipas reluctantly beheaded John the Baptist’s head after telling Salome he would grant her anything she wished for. Salome served as an agent in the execution of John the Baptist.
In life, we sometimes take certain actions and regret it after reflecting. Although many of the things we do may not be as gruesome as asking for the head of a man, we may still serve as agents by causing pain and discomfort to others through our actions.
We should always remain self-aware and think twice about our actions as harm caused to others directly or indirectly cannot be reversed.
Thank you so much
Thank you so much for your kind words, Ekufaa! While I love to write and definitely have a very creative imagination, I don’t take any of the credit; all credit goes to God above (he gave me my sense of humor, writing ability, and knack for reaching people of all ages through my content). I completely agree with you-we sometimes don’t realize how devastating the consequences of our actions can be. While many of us don’t intentionally try to hurt one another through our words, thoughts and actions, 1) some of us are wicked and do mean to hurt others (God will deal with those people accordingly), and 2) those of us with good intentions unexpectedly cause unimaginable hurt and pain to others, causing friction, tension, and regret. As you’ve so beautifully stated, we must be self-aware and think twice about what we do-we never know what may come from it. God bless you!
I love your writing style. If I were to guess, I would say you have some Gemini going on (I do), but maybe you don’t like astrology. I don’t know. What I mean is, all the different voices you use is great, with the parenthesis, the laughter, the humor, the narration and dialogue, the use of bold lettering. You break up the text and make it much more vibrant. It reminds me a little of Tom Wolfe who is wonderfully exciting to read for similar reasons. You seem like the seasoned writer with your writing pipes clean and clear, which is perfect and necessary for what you are doing here. Entertaining. Keep going. Write a book even!
Thank you so much, Joe! I’m actually a Sagittarius (December baby! Haha), and while I don’t follow astrology, I can definitely be a spitfire at times (I love it. Haha). I love Jesus Christ, love to laugh, and love people-why not combine all three for the glory of God? Haha God blessed me with a creative imagination and sense of humor, and I fully intend on using them in everything that I do! Haha I love to write, definitely consider myself to be expressive, and enjoy being able to have a finished product that is truly “mine.” I’m definitely thinking about writing a book (if it’s in God’s will)! God bless you!
While I don’t agree everything the Bible teaches about the equality between men and women I definitely agree with the message that looks are not something to build your life on. Our society has become very superficial and focused on appearance. To make things worse only a small group of people fit in this “ideal model” of appearance and everything that doesn’t fit into that model is considered inferior, ugly or even a defect. Things that were once considered normal expressions of our diverse lifeform are being considered as birth defects and people are getting surgery done for vanity reasons as well. This is something that has to eventually change if we want to grow spiritually. All life is valuable as is.
Thank you so much, Chuck! I completely agree with you. We are all masterpieces, fearfully and wonderfully made by the hands of God himself; God doesn’t make mistakes or junk. God meant for us to look and talk differently, as he meant for his world to be as beautiful, exciting and diverse as possible. It’s so sad that society has tried to adopt a superficial and shallow standard of beauty, making people feel inadequate or inferior if they don’t fit that very limiting, very restrictive mold. I don’t conform to the world’s standards of beauty; all of our beauty and worth comes from God and God alone-we are the apples of his eyes. As such, the world can shove its’ nonsensical opinions. Haha God bless you!
Even the story of John the Baptist it is really sad but also, we need to learn from this story. Every person is meant to be different from others. When somebody is doing something bad, that doesn’t;t mean that all people are doing the same bad things. As like the story, what makes people do bad things ar the: envy, jealousy and so on. What those women did to John was because they were envious and jealous of John.
Thank you so much, Oana! Envy and jealousy have unfortunately led to some of the most vile, brutal atrocities this world has ever known. God loves us all equally, and we are all fearfully and wonderfully made by the hands of God himself. None of us are better than anyone else, and when we come to this realization, we can humble ourselves, realize that we’re sinners, repent of (turn away from) our sins, believe in and turn to Jesus Christ, ask Jesus into our lives as our Lord and Savior, and follow him the rest of our lives, that we will not perish (Hell), but have everlasting life (Heaven). Let’s love God, love one another, and help make this world a better place. God bless you!
What a tragic story, but at the same time a one that we need to learn from.
Herod Antipas reluctantly beheaded John the Baptist’s head after telling Salome he would grant her anything she wished for. Salome served as an agent in the execution of John the Baptist.
Thank you so much, Ladia! While John the Baptist’s death was both tragic and uncalled for, he died as a martyr for his faith, and he will inherit the Kingdom of God in Heaven above. This story teaches us to be careful of our actions, as they can have devastating consequences. While most of us don’t intend to hurt anyone with our thoughts, words and actions, such pain and damage can result, which we might not be able to reverse. Let’s think twice before we act, as we never know what may come from it. God bless you!
What a great post? Love it especially how you were able to tell the story in a modern time language. This is one of my favorite story because it relate to modern times; how people do things ( peer pressure) just to please their love ones, families, boss, and friends even though they know it’s absolutely wrong not only in the sight of God, but to their fellow humans. Just like you said in the end, even though Jesus was mad, he let God and righteousness prevail at the end. I prayed more come across this entertaining way of you sharing the gospels to the world.
Please try on out a social sharing buttons for people to easily share to friends if you can.
Thanks for the post.
Thank you so much, Benson! Though John the Baptist died in a brutal and unwarranted way, he died as a martyr for his faith in God, and he shall inherit the Kingdom of Heaven (thank you, Jesus!). Peer pressure, envy, and jealousy can all cause people to say and do things that can have devastating consequences, whether intended or not. We must be careful about what we say, do, and think; we must be careful about who and what we allow to influence us, as this will have earthly (imprisonment, a life of regret, etc.) and eternal (Heaven vs. Hell) ramifications. I will certainly add the social media share buttons! God bless you!
Thanks for the post, I didn’t know the story of John the Baptist. I thought it was super funny the way you told it which makes it easier to understand.
Keep telling interesting stories about the Bible!
Thank you so much, Isabella! I’m so happy that you enjoyed my story! I want learning about Jesus Christ and God’s Word (the Holy Bible) to be as fun and enjoyable as possible, for children and adults alike. I’ll definitely keep them coming! God bless you!
Your comments and thoughts used throughout the story made it very easy and interesting to read, even though I was familiar with the story. It kept my attention until the end. Very well done.
Thank you so much, Kyriakos! I love God, love people, and love to laugh-why not combine all three for the glory of God? Haha I definitely want my posts to be as full of life and laughter as possible, for children and adults alike. I’ll definitely keep them coming! God bless you!