Don’t Be Salty!
By: Carletta Traylor aka C.N.
Let’s be real here: we all come from nutty families (we’re all a few fries short of a Happy Meal, if you get my drift. Haha). There are levels of crazy, from “dawww, look at him flying face first into the wall because he wants to see if he’s truly hardheaded” to “call the people, Joe! This fool is trying to start a bonfire on the roof!” Even if we don’t want to admit it (or name names), we all have family members (it might even be us. Haha) that should be known at the nuthouse on a first name basis (don’t deny it! Haha).
Some of us have that crazy Uncle Mike who regularly falls through kitchen tables because he SWEARS he’s still in the War, and he KNOWS that biscuit is an enemy grenade (I’m going to need you to replace my $300 table, Uncle Mike!). Some of us have that goofy cousin Patty who will shoot 7 rounds into a single ant for dare getting anywhere near her strawberry cheesecake ice cream (it’s just an ant, Cousin Pat! Calm down! You just woke up the entire neighborhood over a $0.99 tub of ice cream that YOU left out all night, that YOU let melt, that YOU spilled, and that YOU invited the ant to eat! Sit your crazy behind down! This isn’t Kill Bill! Haha). In light of today being Day#5 of my “Are These Women Crazy?!” series, we’re going to look at an entire family of Looney Tunes (what’s good, Bugs Bunny?!).
It’s one thing to have to deal with one crazy woman on a daily basis (breathe in, breathe out. Haha), but it’s another thing to deal with three batty Betsies at one time-that’s a trifecta of raging maniac (woosah, woosah; peaceful meadows, peaceful meadows. I know that you’re a guy, but we’re going to practice our Lamaze breathing (the breathing that pregnant women do to relax and feel less pain)-hee, hee, hoo; hee, hee, hoo. Haha). If you’re not ready to punt a Build-A-Bear after dealing with that chaos all day, YOU ARE A WINNER! YOU ARE THE MAN/WOMAN! Haha With this in mind, let’s delve into the story of Lot’s wife and daughters, shall we?
The story of Lot is outlined in Genesis 13, 14, 18, and 19-one book of the Bible wasn’t enough to contain all of that crazy. Haha In the 13th Chapter of Genesis, Abram and Sarai (later renamed Abraham and Sarah), along with their nephew, Lot (his name was still Lot. Haha), left Egypt to avoid a famine (there’s nothing to eat, y’all! Road trip! I call shotgun! Haha). They went south and built an altar between Bethel and Hai, but they soon realized that the land wasn’t big enough for both of them, as both Abram and Lot (both holy men of God) owned a lot of cattle (they were swimming in cows, y’all! Haha)-it’s all about the buffaloes, baby. Haha. To avoid a family feud (welcome to Family Feud! Here’s your host, Steve Harvey!), Lot decided to settle in Sodom (a wicked place; a cesspool for sinners. Haha), and Abram decided to settle in Canaan (the Promised Land! God’s going to take care of Abram and his people, y’all!).
Lot soon started to question his life choices, as the kings of the lands surrounding Sodom and Gomorrah started fighting, land was destroyed, and the economy took a nosedive. To run away from the destruction that THEY had caused (like some PUNKS!), the kings took all of their food and possessions, and ran back to whatever rat-hole they had come out of (I’m sorry. That’s a bit harsh. Haha). Here’s the thing, though-they kidnapped Lot in the process (I know that Lot is pretty and all, but leave the man alone! Haha)! Abram found out what had happened to Lot, clicked into “fierce Uncle Bear” mode, and quickly went to save his nephew and family. Abram successfully rescued Lot and his family from the World Wussie Federation (I mean, the kings surrounding Sodom and Gomorrah), and Lot and his family returned to Sodom (NOT a good idea!).
God had had enough of Sodom and Gomorrah’s wickedness (those wicked, no-good, evil trolls!), and as such, he was getting ready to destroy Sodom and Gomorrah (they had worked his last righteous nerve, y’all!). In light of this, two angels in the form of men approached Lot and told him and his family to leave Sodom immediately (it’s about to go down! This place is going up in smoke! Hurry up, get your family and things, and go! Go! Go!). Lot’s family made fun of him (IMBECILES! Haha) and didn’t take the angels’ warnings seriously; Lot himself was hesitant to leave his home (aren’t you supposed to be a man of God? Did you not pay attention in Sunday School when your teacher talked about God using his angels to protect and help his people? Haha). Lot’s mind was made up for him, however.
When the sick, twisted men of Sodom found out that God’s angels were protecting Lot and his family, they demanded that Lot send the angels out to them, so that they could have sexual relations with them (the men of Sodom loved sin, including the sin of homosexuality). Lot refused to do so, but in a RIDICULOUSLY STUPID move, he offered his two virgin daughters (both of age to marry) to the men instead (Wow, Lot! Way to pimp your own daughters out! I’m shining up your “Father of the Year” award as we speak…NOT! MORON!). The men of Sodom didn’t want his daughters, however (thankfully!), and continued to ask for the male angels in his house. The angels quickly grabbed Lot, pulled him back into his house (before he could make an even bigger monkey out of himself. Haha), locked the door, blinded the wicked men (they can’t see where the door is! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA), and told Lot and his family to GET OUT OF SODOM!
After several stern warnings (Lot needed a kick in the behind (I’ll light a fire under his behind and get him moving. Haha)), Lot and his family finally left Sodom; the angels warned them to NOT look back (Don’t look back! Don’t look back! Don’t look back! God’s about to blow stuff up! KABOOM! KAPOWIE!). As Sodom and Gomorrah burned to a crisp (I like my kale chips extra crispy!), Lot’s wife, being the clueless nutjob that she is, looked back. THE ANGELS JUST TOLD YOU NOT TO LOOK BACK, WOMAN! WERE YOU NOT LISTENING?! AS MUCH AS YOU LIKED TO HEAR YOURSELF TALK, WE’D THINK THAT YOU COULD LISTEN FOR A CHANGE! THERE’S A REASON WHY GOD GAVE US ONE MOUTH AND TWO EARS-LISTEN TWICE AS MUCH AS YOU TALK! Sorry. Haha. When Lot’s wife foolishly looked back, against the angels’ warnings (who were sent by GOD!), she immediately turned into a pillar of salt (Yes! She turned into ACTUAL salt, the type of salt that you all used to season your 4th of July meals with! I wouldn’t want her goofy, backwards behind anywhere near my food. Haha).
Lot and his two daughters quickly fled to the mountains, in a city called Zoar. As if Lot’s wife wasn’t enough of a moron, his two daughters tried to outdo her on the stupidity scale. In light of their fact that their mother was now gone (she’s extra salty right now! Are you mad? Are you upset? You seem rather angry and discombobulated right now. Haha), and their father was in his old age, Lot’s older daughter convinced her younger sister that they should get their father drunk (intoxicated), have sexual relations with him, and become pregnant by him…just to continue their father’s seed. ARE YOU IDIOTS KIDDING ME?!?!?!?! Dumb and dumber actually get their father intoxicated (so that he doesn’t know where he is, what’s he’s doing, or who he’s doing it with), sleep with him back to back, both conceive children by him, and their sons become the fathers of the Moabites and the Ammonites.
Let me make clear that there is absolutely NOTHING funny about rape (forced sexual relations against one’s will) or incest (sexual relations between two people too closely related to each other, but not married to each other-such as two cousins, two siblings, and/or a parent with his/her child). Rape and incest are both terrible, awful, wrong, demented, sick, degrading, demeaning, disgusting, disrespectful, sinful, and just outright BAD (and any other negative adjectives we can think of). I am just floored that Lot’s two daughters, these scum of the earth, trash bag lunatics, ACTUALLY THOUGHT (as in they discussed these ideas OUT LOUD, where they could hear themselves and one another speak) that it was OK to get their father drunk, sleep with their father against his will (they both RAPED and committed INCEST with their father at the same time), and become pregnant by their own father…because you bat-crap crazy nutjobs wanted to preserve Lot’s seed?! Where’s my Smith and Wesson?! I need to thin the herd right now (that level of stupid should never be allowed to breed). Haha.
In light of the wonky details of this story, I will not attempt to do a modern-day remix of it; there’s no way to make rape and incest funny (I do have some dignity and standards. Haha). However, I’m full of gifts (Ho-ho-ho! Merry Christmas!), and will leave you all with this cute YouTube video from Geethanjali Kids-Rhymes and Stories, further showing how Lot survived the Attack of the Brain-dead Buttheads (i.e the men of Sodom)!
Geethanjali Kids-Rhymes and Stories-“Sodom and Gomorrah – Holy Tales From The Old Testament – Bible Stories” (YouTube):
With that, I love you all, God bless you all, and I’ll see you all on the next one!
-Carletta
Wow, I thought I knew much about this story but you talked about 2 new details that were completely new to me. Those 2 details were the men of Sodom wanting to have sex with the angels and Lot’s daughters raping him. It makes sense why my parents wouldn’t tell me about those 2 details when I was a child, but I have a feeling they might not even know the full story! Thanks a lot for your article, it has actually been the most informative one I have read in your website thus far.
Thank you so much, Alejandro! When I read this story for the first time as a child (in Sunday School), they mentioned these two details, but in a very kid-friendly, non-harmful, watered down way. Haha I understand, however, given the mature nature of those details, they didn’t want to scare us or have us asking our parents off the wall questions (although curiosity is a good thing. Haha). I’m so happy that I was able to help you understand the story better! God bless you!
What an interesting title to an awesome article. I love how you transform bible stories and make them so relatable and interesting. I have heard this story over and over again however, I have never paid attention to the fact that Lot’s daughters actually slept with him for propagation so that their children will be born of their father’s blood. Were they trying to preserve the family line or did they believe that they were the only people left on earth after the destruction of Sodom?
Nonetheless, it is very clear from this story that the men of the city were vile and corrupt and strongly attached to their sin, and the Lord destroyed them for their evil. May our generation and the ones after us have God’s Grace always.
Thanks for this great article.
Thank you so much, Ekufaa! The story of Lot and his family is one of the most bizarre stories in the entire Bible (but with a great life lesson, however. Haha). Lot’s daughters slept with their father to preserve the family line-they thought that since their mother was now a pillar of salt, and he was older, there’d be no way to preserve his seed moving forward (if you all are his children, you are his seed, and the two of you could just get married and have children of your own. Problem solved! Haha). The people of Sodom and Gomorrah were wicked, sinful, and non-repentant of their sins, and as such, God destroyed them. This is a lesson to us today that we must not take God’s mercy and grace for granted-we must put him first, truly repent of our sins, truly turn to Jesus Christ, and truly follow him the rest of our days. God bless you!
Carletta,
First of all, I love your name. 🙂 As usual, I love how you deliver such a fun read packed with humor and yet still stick your main goal which is spreading God’s words through Bible stories.
Man, talking about those people with anger issues. Nowadays the news and social media introduce the term “Karen” that refers to white American ladies. Just this morning I read news about Central Park’s “Karen” aka Amy Cooper. I am sure you’ve heard the story. More Karens are polluting the news and social media. Like one in Arizona a few days ago, she trashed Target’s face mask display.
I mean, it’s unbelievable that people can behave like that but then again, I am thinking, is the world close to the end? Is God going to come and judge us soon? Just like Sodom and Gomora, will the world be punished (or are we being punished now)? The never-ending problems with the pandemic, conflicts here and there, people are more divided into groups, hatreds, etc. 🙁
Thank you for sharing this story with us today. It is a great reminder so that we can reflect back to our acts and be a better person that creates a better world for all. Also, for us to always listen to God’s words with the help of the Holy Spirit.
God bless you!
Thank you so much, Ferra! I love your name as well! Haha I fully believe that we are in the end times (the Beginning of Sorrows, specifically) right now, but God is giving the world a chance to repent of its’ sins, truly turn to Jesus Christ, and follow him, that all of us will inherit the Kingdom of Heaven. I have definitely heard of the term “Karen,” and it’s so sad to see so many hateful, evil people roaming our world. The te-LIE-vision is Satan’s device to divide us, brainwash us, and promote the anti-Christian agenda (order out of chaos). We have hope, however, as Jesus defeated Satan, evil, Hell and the grave when he rose from the dead on that third day (Hallelujah!). As long as we humble ourselves, turn from our wicked/sinful ways, and turn to God, we can be saved, and God can (and will) heal our land. We’re in this together! God bless you!
No holds barred as we see. This mirrors what I write on my somewhat related posts, “It does not matter if I am a Zionist. Because God is a Zionist.” The story here concerning Lot runs through another unpopular aspect of God’s character and the many in this situation demanding we approve of their practices. It does not matter, also what I think about the sins of Sodom and Gomorrah. It matters what God has said in his judgment on it. Salvation is freedom from sin not freedom to continue in sin. Jesus paid the price and rose from the dead. Peace will not originate from people giving their approval. A life outside God’s stated guidelines for his approval will never lead to peace. Chris.
Thank you so much, Christopher! I completely agree with you that God’s opinion is supreme-what he considers to be sin is sin, and what he considers to not be sin is not sin. Jesus Christ died on Calvary’s cross as the propitiation (perfect and sinless sacrifice) for our sins. Those of us who truly repent of (and turn away from) our sins, believe that Jesus Christ is a) the Son of God, b) died on the Cross for our sins, c) rose on the 3rd day with all power in his hands, d) is sitting at God the Father’s right hand in Heaven, and e) is coming back for his bride (the Church) and to judge/destroy this sinful world, ask Jesus into our lives as our Lord and Savior, and follow him (put God first in everything) the rest of our lives will inherit the Kingdom of Heaven. The only way to have true peace is to live according to God’s divine plan, purpose, and calling on our lives; to follow God is to know true peace, love, joy, and happiness. Our approval of one another doesn’t matter; God’s approval certainly does. God bless you!
Hi, Carletta,
Thank you for this great article.
Though, I didn’t understand why the two daughters of Lot didn’t continue their line by making children with men of their age.
Didn’t they know that what they were doing with his father is a disgusting sin?
Thank you so much, Natalie! I didn’t understand why Lot’s daughters didn’t just get married and have children of their own either (you all are his seed, you carry his genes-just get married and have children to preserve the family line like normal people! Haha). I fully believe that they were products of their environment-Sodom was wicked, sinful, evil, and didn’t care about, revere, or fear God; they too were wicked, sinful, evil, and didn’t care about the spiritual ramifications of their actions. They certainly knew that what they were doing was a sin, but decided to do it anyway. God always gets the last word, however, so they didn’t get away with anything (thank you, Jesus!). I’m happy that we have the sense of a bat! Haha God bless you!
Haha you had me giggling at the first sentence: a few fries short of a Happy Meal. Never heard that one before. I often use a few sandwiches short of a picnic basket, so I’ll have to use this one now to change it up.
Another hilarious and entertaining read, you’re really getting into your groove.
Thank you so much, Sharon! I’m full of jokes-I have a very colorful personality and imagination. Lol God blessed me with this sense of humor, and I will forever use it for his glory! God bless you!
Your writing style is really cool, I enjoyed another read. It’s funny and entertaining and so true. Everyone has those embarrassing family memories and as you get older you relax and embrace the nuttiness a bit more and accept the bonkers and the latter because your values change and it’s just about letting go and enjoying yourself, and due to everything life throws at you by the time you reach the older years chances are your likely to be the embarrassing family member.
Thank you so much, Ashyra! I completely agree with you. Life is too short to take everything so seriously-none of us are perfect, we all have goofy quirks about us, and we should learn to embrace them and laugh a little. God has blessed us with this beautiful world of wonder, and we should cherish it for the blessing that it is. I’m so happy that you enjoyed my story! God bless you!
Thank you for all of these amazing stories. This is another story that I found very interesting. I really like your sense of humour and how you make these stories so easy to read.
Thank you.
Kind regards,
Yoana
Thank you so much, Yoana! I understand how difficult reading the Bible can be, and I want to break it down in a way that everyone, regardless of age, can enjoy, understand and gain something from (thank you, Jesus!). I’m so happy that you enjoyed my story! God bless you!
Hey Carletta,
Awesome story! Goes to show you why we shouldn’t disobey God. If He says don’t look, you DON’T LOOK!!
But alas, we humans are stubborn, eh?
And the daughters actions are despicable!
Whoever said the Bible was boring to read. It’s full of relatable stories to help not only our children grow up learning about God, but us adults as well.
You can read the same story over and over again, and learn something new each time.
Blessings on you,
Suzanne
Thank you so much, Suzanne! We should have learned from the Israelites that disobeying God gets you nowhere. Haha I wanted to push Lot’s daughters off of a cliff (please forgive me, Lord! Take the wheel, Jesus! Haha). The Bible is full of real life events that are still extremely relevant and rampant in today’s society; as my pastor says, “Bible” stands for Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth. There is so much for us to learn, and no matter how many times we read the Bible, we’ll always learn something new! God’s Word is the gift that keeps on giving (Merry Christmas!). I’m so happy that you enjoyed my story! God bless you!
I love your writing style. It is truly amazing how you take parts of the Bible and turn them into easy to understand stories. As a beginner to this, I have one question. I want to start reading the Bible, but I am not sure in which order should I read. Could you help me?
Thank you so much, Ladia! God has blessed me with a sense of humor, and I fully intend on using it for his glory! Haha Congratulations on taking that first step in reading the Bible. I would definitely begin by reading the four Gospels of the Bible-Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John (all together in the New Testament). From there, I would read Genesis (the first book of the Bible), Psalms, Proverbs, and Revelation. After that, I would follow the rest of the Bible in order, starting with Exodus (the second book of the Bible, right after Genesis). Please let me know if you have any additional questions! God bless you!
Hi, Carletta can I just start by saying how amazing you are? My goodness, this is brilliant! I love the whole concept behind your website. Your writing style is simply amazing, I literally just shared your site to a few of my friends that have children. I love how you transform bible studies for children into something that they can understand. It’s brilliant! Keep up the good work 🙂
Thank you so much, Viviana! I love Jesus Christ, love to laugh, and love people-why not combine all three for the glory of God? Haha. I want learning about Jesus Christ and the Bible to be as fun and understandable as possible for everyone, children and adults alike. I’m so happy that you enjoyed my story! Thank you so much for sharing my site-I definitely want to reach as many people as possible with God’s truth. I’ll definitely keep them coming! God bless you!
Wow, I learned a lot from the story. it is well written, love your writing style it is truly amazing the way you use imagery makes me feel like I was living the story. Keep writing.
Regards,
Kanav
Thank you so much, Kanav! God has blessed me with a very creative imagination, and I love colorful words, phrases, and imagery. I want learning about Jesus Christ and the Bible to be an adventure-I want us to feel as if we were actually there when these things happened. I’m so happy that you enjoyed my story! I’ll definitely keep them coming! God bless you!
Love, love, love it! I think it’s wonderful the way you incorporated humor into something that isn’t so funny while explaining the meaning of what was happening in layman’s terms.
Great post!
Lisa
Thank you so much, Lisa! I want learning about Jesus Christ and the Bible to be as fun, enjoyable, relatable, and understandable as possible, for children and adults alike. I’m so happy that you enjoyed my story! God bless you!
Wow! I like your style of writing. You presented these stories in a fun yet educational way that anyone can understand but most importantly it captivated my interest from beginning to end.
Thank you so much, Kayan! I love Jesus Christ, love to laugh, and love people-why not combine all three for the glory of God? Haha I want learning about Jesus Christ and the Bible to be as fun, enjoyable, relatable, and understandable as possible, for children and adults alike. I’m so happy that you enjoyed my story! I’ll definitely keep them coming! God bless you!