Herod, The Hot-Headed Hater!

By: Carletta Traylor aka C.N.

All of my egotistical a-wads in the house, stand up! Some of you are probably thinking, “why in the world would she open her post with a question like that?!” I’ll tell you all why! There are plenty of egotistical nimrods in the world today, all of whom think that the world revolves around them, think that they’re always the topic of conversation, and think that the sun doesn’t shine until they wake up (Haha! You’re a funny clown! Try again, amateur!).

 

Egotistical airheads (not the delicious, chewy kind) like to blow smoke up their own “you know whats;” they like to live in this bubble where they have all of the money, all of the “power” (notice that I put that in quotation marks; the only power that you have is the power that God Almighty allows you to have…or steal. Get off of your plastic high horse, dipstick!), all of the influence, and all of the attention. The dare thought of competition and someone taking his or her spot makes the egotistical halfwit lose sleep at night-egomaniacs are known to shave their heads, rub wet soil on their domes, and stand underneath the sun; no wonder their heads grow so big! In light of today being Day#6 of my “Are These Dudes Nuts?!” series, let’s visit one of the most notorious egomaniacs in the Bible-King Herod the Fathead.

 

In the 2nd Chapter of Matthew, we see that King Herod (also called Herod the Great…yeah, alright) is the King of Judea. He lied, cheated and schemed his way into power (LOSER!), and given the large Jewish population that he ruled over, he was “affectionately” known as the “King of the Jews.” Herod was a ruthless leader who wanted to maintain his power at all costs, and if any person dared to compete for his soggy fruit loop throne, he had a problem with it. In steps our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

 

If you all will recall from my Mommy, Where Did Baby Jesus Come From? post, Jesus Christ was born of a virgin, Mary, in a smelly, stinky barn with the horses (that’s right, kids! Our Lord and Savior, God in the flesh, God Almighty’s son, Jesus Christ, was born in a poop and fly-infested barn with horses and hay! Yee-haw! If that’s not being humble, I don’t know what it! You stay humble, Kendrick Lamar! Haha). The soothsayers (a fancy name for fortunetellers) of the day had been predicting for a while that the King of the Jews would soon be born.

 

Please allow me to make clear that I don’t trust fortunetellers, never have, and never will (they’re about as “legitimate” as Zodiac signs and free parking-NEXT! Sagittarius for life! Haha). With this being said, however, the soothsayers of the day did make a factual statement-a life and world-altering leader would soon be born, and he would come from the Jewish community. King Herod knew about these predictions, and as such, he proceeded to lose his cotton-picking mind even more than usual (Wah! Wah! Wah! I don’t want anyone to take my fake throne that I built out of Legos! Wah! Wah! Wah! I don’t want anyone to threaten my Rice Krispie Treat authority! Give this baby a blanket and some warm milk. He needs a WAMbulance and a nap.).

 

When the Israelites (God’s homeboys!) found out that Jesus had been born, they began to celebrate and worship him-the King of the Jews has just been born! The King of the Jews has just been born! King Herod wet himself (I’m NOT a big kid now!), and decided that he had to try to stop this (TRY was the key word; you didn’t stop anything, jamoke! Look at the widdle moron?! He’s such a clueless widdle moron!).

King Herod quickly called for his mindless minions, the chief priests and scribes, to tell him where baby Jesus was. They told him that Jesus was in the city of Bethlehem, in Judea (modern-day Palestine) (Ding! Ding! Ding! You, Sir, are correct! Here’s Vanna to tell you what you’ve won!). Three wise men from the East knew that the King of the Jews had just been born-they saw his star in the East, and couldn’t wait to worship him (ain’t no party like a Holy Ghost party, ‘cause a Holy Ghost party don’t stop! Haha)! As the Three Wise Men were on their way to worship baby Jesus, this loser, Herod, tried to trick them into telling him where baby Jesus laid; their “troll-o-meters” started going off, as they were previously warned in a dream to avoid Herod at all costs. As such, they quickly made a detour and kept it moving. Haha.

They’ve found baby Jesus! They’ve found baby Jesus! The Three Wise Men saw the star, saw baby Jesus (our King! A-gucci-gucci-goo! Haha), immediately began to worship him, and gave him gifts of gold, frankincense (nice smelling, dried tree sap) and myrrh (nice smelling, dried tree gum)-I would have preferred a house, a fireplace, some warm soup and a blanket myself, but I digress. Haha. The Three Wise Men (as their name suggests) were smarter than the average bear, and as such, they didn’t tell King Herod anything-they kept Jesus’s location on the hush, on the down-low, on the Q.T. Good men; good men. Haha.

 

God the Father warned Jesus’s stepfather, Joseph (let’s remember that King Jesus was born of a virgin, Mary, and the Holy Spirit; no male participation required. Haha), in a dream to quickly take his family to Egypt, to escape King Herod. When King Herod realized that he had been played, bamboozled, and outright embarrassed by the Three Wise Men, he became extremely upset and ordered that all boys living in Bethlehem (and its’ general vicinity), ages 2 and under, be killed.

 

AWWWWW, HECKY NAW! Herod better be thanking God that I wasn’t alive during that time! I don’t care if you’re the flipping Queen of England (no offense to the Queen of England. Haha), you flying piece of garbage! You’re not touching my baby (I don’t even have children. Haha)! I didn’t go through 95 hours of labor and almost pass out on the doctor’s table for you to murder my child because your funky pride has been hurt (BUMP your pride!)! Try to kill my child while I’m alive, and I will go Mike Tyson (biting ears off and all, y’all!), Al Capone, and Freddy Kruger all over your behind! Try me if you want to! I’m not the one (if you’re looking to get your behind dragged all over Bethlehem, Herod, you’ve got the right one today!)! Momma Bear is ready to POUNCE!

 

Joseph immediately took Mary and baby Jesus, and they fled to Egypt (road trip! I call shotgun! Haha); they did not return to Israel (in Nazareth) until that murderous scumbag, Herod, was dead (ding-dong, the dipstick is DEAD!). Guess how Herod the Horse’s Behind died, y’all?! This steaming piece of excrement died of a debilitating and painful disease that caused breathing problems, convulsions, worms, and the rotting of his body! HAHAHAHAHA! God doesn’t like ugly! You’re not going to try to murder God’s beloved son and our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, and actually kill thousands of innocent baby boys, and get away with it! God said, “not today!” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Being an evil dipstick gets you nowhere! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

 

It appears that the apple didn’t fall far from the tree, however, as Herod’s son, Herod Antipas, was one of the conspirators in Jesus’s eventual trial and crucifixion on the Cross, as well as the man who allowed Jesus’s cousin, John the Baptist, to be beheaded (we remember his piece of crap wife, Herodias, and clueless doofus of a stepdaughter, Salome, from Now Serving, Chop Johnny!). No worries, though! God Almighty got the last laugh, and he and Jesus are sitting on their thrones in Heaven as we speak (Hallelujah!)!

 

Herod was a worthless waste of space, and he fit so perfectly into my “Are These Dudes Nuts?!” series (that boy is sweating bullets right now, if you get my drift. Haha). I feel a modern-day remix coming on (YES! They’re finally making a comeback! Jackpot! WINNER!)! Grab your umbrellas, put your rain boots on, and let’s make it rain modern-day remixes in this peace!!! NOTE: I will be utilizing modern-day language, technology, and ways of living in this story, as we’re picturing this happening today.

 

Herod, The Hot-Headed Hater!

By: Carletta Traylor aka C.N.

Biblical Reference: Matthew 2:1-23 (KJV)

*King Jesus has been born! King Jesus has been born! The King of the Jews, Jesus Christ, God in the flesh, God Almighty’s son, our Lord and Savior, and the Israelites big homie has just been born! It’s time to celebrate, y’all (Oh, happy day (oh, happy day!); Oh, happy day!)! Everyone is thrilled about this…except for the current King of Judea, King Herod (move around, clown!). This moron forced his way into power and can’t stomach the thought of someone taking his place-he’s afraid of competition, y’all (of course, there was no “competition” to begin with. Jesus Christ is the Lord and Savior of the world, sent to die on the Cross for our sins; Herod is some 5-foot-3 loser with a bad overbite and self-esteem issues. Find your pride at the bottom of Lake Michigan, Herod! Haha)! As such, King Herod attempts to locate baby Jesus to kill him (sniper-style!), but things don’t quite go as planned. LOSER! Haha*

-The Three Wise Men (Curly, Larry and Moe) have just seen the star, representing the birth of the King of the Jews (Jesus Christ), in the East. They have driven to Jerusalem (in their Chevy Tahoe) to visit baby Jesus, worship him, and shower him with gifts (party time! I’ll bring the cake and ice cream!). While they’re en route to Jesus (they’re following the star-no Google Maps necessary. Haha), they’re stopped by King Herod at a red light (driving his knockoff Porsche-you’re such a fraud, Herod!). He wants to know where baby Jesus is (he wants to kill him, y’all!). God has warned Curly, Larry and Moe to stay away from Herod, and they handle the situation with class.

King Herod: Hey! Three Wise Men! I want to talk to y’all (not this bonehead again. Haha)! I know that y’all are going to visit baby Jesus right now, and I’d like to know where he is. I want to help celebrate his birth as well! I’ll pick up the 500 boneless BBQ wings, fries, and punch on my way there; the wife wants me to mow the lawn first (Liar! Liar! Pants on fire! You don’t want to honor Jesus at all; you want to take him out, you butt-backwards garden gnome! Be gone, idiot!).

*The Three Wise Men start speaking different languages to throw Herod off. They’re not telling him JACK SQUAT! Nice try, peasant!*

Curly: Lo siento. No hablo ingles Incluso si lo hiciera, no solo saqué mi cabeza de mi trasero hace cinco minutos. No te estoy diciendo nada, troll inútil. ¡No estás a punto de matar a mi Rey Jesús! (Spanish for “I’m sorry. I don’t speak English. Even if I did, I didn’t just pull my head out of my butt five minutes ago. I’m not telling you anything, you worthless troll! You’re not about to kill my King Jesus!”).

Larry: Salta giù da una scogliera, Erode. Dio ci ha avvertito di te! Non ti diremo dove sia Gesù bambino; non ucciderai il nostro Salvatore! Siamo più intelligenti di un pipistrello cieco e dislessico alla cena domenicale! (Italian for “Jump off of a cliff, Herod! God warned us about you! We’re not going to tell you where baby Jesus is; you’re not going to murder our Savior! We’re smarter than a blind, dyslexic bat at Sunday dinner!”).

Moe: はは、あなたは菌が出没するつま先のぼろきれ！なめらかだと思っていませんか？いいね、素人！赤ん坊のイエスがどこにいるかは決して教えません！ユダヤ人の王は作成する遺産を持っています！死んで、モロン！Wa wa, anata wa kin ga shutsubotsu suru tsumasaki no boro kire! Namerakada to omotte imasen ka? Ī ne, shirōto! Akanbō no iesu ga doko ni iru ka wa kesshite oshiemasen! Yudayahito no ō wa sakusei suru isan o motte imasu! Shinde, moron! (Japanese for “Haha, you fungus-infested toe rag! You thought that you were slick, didn’t you?! Nice try, amateur! We’ll never tell you where baby Jesus is! The King of the Jews has a legacy to create! Drop dead, moron!).

*The Three Wise Men immediately drive off as the traffic light turns green, being sure to turn down random side streets to get Herod off of their trail. It works! They’re going to see baby Jesus! They’ve bought diapers, wipes, clothes, bottles, pacifiers, baby formula, toys, and a crib! They want to make sure that Mary, Joseph, and baby Jesus don’t lack a thing! They meet Mary and Joseph at the hospital-baby Jesus is now able to have visitors.*

Curly, Larry and Moe (all at once! It sounds like a jumbled mess. Haha): Mary! Joseph! How are you all doing?! We saw the star in the East, and knew that the King of the Jews had just been born! DAWWWWW, is that baby Jesus?! He’s so cute! We could pinch his widdle cheeks, but that might be creepy. We certainly don’t want to anger our King, our leader, our Savior! All hail, King Jesus! All hail, King Jesus! All hail, King Jesus! We brought you guys some of everything-diapers, wipes, clothes, bottles, pacifiers, baby formula, toys, and a crib! We just want to make sure that you all have everything that y’all need for your royal bundle of joy!

Mary: HAHAHAHAHAHA! We’re doing well, guys! Thank you so much for thinking of us! We really appreciate your kind words and gifts! This crib will fit perfectly in Jesus’s room! Joe painted it red! I tell you, God has a sense of humor. I definitely didn’t expect to become pregnant by the Holy Spirit (Joseph didn’t either. Haha)! May God’s will be done, however! Haha!

Joseph: Thank you so much, fellas! We’re doing well! I thank God that Mary’s delivery went smoothly, that we have a healthy and happy baby boy, and that our insurance is going to cover everything! Praise the Lord! Haha! Thank you all so much for the gifts! Having a baby is expensive, and we’ll take all of the gifts and help that we can get!

Curly, Larry and Moe: We heard that! God certainly does have a sense of humor-he made Curly look like “that!” Hahaha! We’re just kidding, Curly! It’s all love, baby! We’re so happy for you guys! This moment is as big for us and the Jews as it is for you guys! Praise God! Praise God! Praise God!

Mary: Praise God!

Joseph: Praise God!

*The Three Wise Men spend time with Mary, Joseph, and baby Jesus, and they don’t tell King Herod anything. King Herod eventually finds out that he was tricked by Curly, Larry, and Moe, and he’s TICKED! Determined to get revenge on the Three Stooges, I mean, Three Wise Men, he orders that all boys in Bethlehem, ages 2 and under, be killed. He immediately remembers, however, that everyone in Bethlehem has a conceal and carry license-you’ll get your head blown off trying to murder someone’s child, dipstick! As such, Herod quickly changes his mind-he now orders that all homes with boys 2 and under be infested with disease-carrying spiders (how the flip did he do that?!)-he’ll kill the future King of the Jews one way or the other (NOOOOOO!!!!!).

God immediately warns Joseph through a dream to take his family to Egypt-Herod isn’t about to murder his son! Joseph and his family immediately move into a studio apartment in Egypt-plush carpet and everything, y’all (thank goodness that Mary and Joseph both have good-paying jobs! Those apartments are expensive! Haha)! They remain in Egypt until King Herod has died. God had something for Herod (oh, you thought that you were going to try to kill my son, actually kill thousands of innocent babies and get away with it, Herod?!?!  You must not know me! They call me God Almighty, Heavenly Father, Lord, Abba, Elohim, Yahweh, Yeshua, Adonai, the ONE who sent the ONE to save the world! You better recognize!!!!!!)!

Herod died a painful and miserable death-he contracted a terrible disease that caused breathing problems, convulsions, worms, and the rotting of the body! That scum of the earth rotted away, y’all! Bye-bye, loser! Be gone, troll! I hope that you dressed lightly-you’ll be sweating your behind off FOREVER (cue the Dexter-style laughter!)!*

Once Herod had died, Joseph and his family returned to Israel, settling in the city of Nazareth. That boy will make a fine carpenter one day! Quick, get the Baby Einstein videos!

I hope that you all enjoyed today’s post! I will wrap up my “Are These Dudes Nuts?!” series tomorrow with a riveting tale of the most vile piece of crap to ever live, Satan himself (AWWWW, SNAP!). Until then, I love you all, God bless you all, and I’ll see you all on the next one!

 

-Carletta