Like My Traitors Extra Crispy!
By: Carletta Traylor aka C.N.
There are many people in positions of “power” who really think that they’re doing something impressive (Haha! You’re a funny clown! You don’t have squat! You only have what you have because God gave it to you and/or allowed you to have it. Bow down, peasant! Haha). Whether actor, actress, musician, athlete, politician, inventor, flying dummy in the circus, or otherwise, there are many people who allow their positions to go to their heads. These ingrates believe that because they have money, houses, cars, and notoriety (all of three people may know who they are. Haha), they are somehow better than everyone else.
Newsflash! As a devout Christian and someone who lives in the Chi (that’s Chicago for those of you who don’t know street slang. Haha), we don’t care who you are! As far as we’re concerned, you’re just a regular person like everyone else, you have to wash your behind just like everyone else, you put your pants on, one leg at a time, just like everyone else, and the only difference between you and us is that you’re a little more well-known and have a little more money. Big deal! Whoop-di-doo! We’re not bowing down and kissing your behind! You’re not God! I only worship the God of Israel who sent his darling son, and our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, to die on the Cross for our sins, that if we would trust and believe in him, we would not perish, but have everlasting life (John 3:16 (KJV)).
Some of these lames, I mean losers, I mean people in positions of power, expect us common folk to worship the ground that they walk on. These imbeciles want us to roll out the red carpet for them, beg for their autographs, make absolute monkeys out of ourselves for a picture with them, blow smoke up their “you know whats,” and put them on pedestals that they don’t belong on (no, thank you. Haha). Their heads have gotten so big that they expect mindless worship, and if we’re not willing to give it to them, they get angry (BUMP your temper tantrum, you overhyped troll!). Some morons are so full of themselves that they’ll go as far as to imprison, hurt and kill those who aren’t willing to bow down to them. What happens when people don’t care about your death threats, and they still refuse to bow down to you? This brings us to the story of The Three Hebrew Boys in the Bible.
In the 3rd Chapter of Daniel, here’s the skinny (that means story. Try to keep up. Haha). The Babylonians, under the rule of King Nebuchadnezzar (that nimrod. Haha), had kidnapped thousands of Israelites and brought them to Babylon; they wanted to corrupt the Israelites, as the Israelites worshipped the one and only true God (the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, who sent his son, Jesus Christ, to die on the Cross for our sins). The Babylonians, on the other hands, worshipped pagan (fake, phony, fraudulent, impostor, poser, second-rate, knock-off, weenie) gods; they were more lost than Jack Shephard and Kate Austen combined.
The butt-backwards Babylonians didn’t kidnap all of the Israelites, however; they only kidnapped who they considered to be the “cream of the crop,” the best of the best (the smartest, strongest, toughest, most talented) Israelites, and this group included Daniel (we remember our buddy Dan from my previous post, Look At Those Feisty Kittens!) and his three homies, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego (King Nebuchadnezzar changed all four of their names-Daniel became Belteshazzar; Hananiah became Shadrach; Mishael became Meshach; Azariah became Abednego. Leave their names alone, you worthless jamoke!!!!). How do you attempt to ruin a good and godly people (even saying that’s a stretch, given how many times the Israelites turned their backs on God. Haha)? Corrupt the leaders of the group, and let the Slurpee of stupid trickle down to everyone else. Haha.
Once Daniel and his boys were in Babylon, they proved to King Nebuchadnezzar that they would only worship the true God of Israel. They refused to disobey God by eating the King’s food in Chapter 1 (BUMP your meat and wine!); God gave King Nebuchadnezzar a dream that only Daniel could interpret in Chapter 2 (God’s wisdom is above all! Dan’s God is the MAN!!! I’ll devote an entire post to Nebu’s dream. Haha); and here we are in Daniel, Chapter 3.
King Nebuchadnezzar, being the ruthless, clueless piece of trash that he was, had built a golden image 60 cubits high (over 90 feet high) and 6 cubits wide (over 9 feet wide) (False idol worship! False idol worship! God’s NOT happy with you!) that he expected everyone to bow down and worship.
Nebuchadnezzar had organized a dedication ceremony to the golden image, and all of the mindless minions of the land-from the governors to princes to judges to sheriffs to rulers to common folk-bowed down and worshipped this FAKE “god.” There was a musical procession to usher in the golden image (Daniel 3:5 (KJV) says that there was a procession of “the cornet, flute, harp, sackbut, psaltery, dulcimer, and all kinds of musick.”), and if anyone refused to bow down to the image, he or she would be thrown into a stupidly hot, fiery furnace to burn to death.
Guess who didn’t bow down to the statue, everyone?! You all guessed it-Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego (Daniel was not there). King Nebuchadnezzar had put Daniel, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego in positions of power (Daniel was made ruler over the province of Babylon and chief of the wise men/governors (he was second in command, only under King Nebuchadnezzar himself), and his three buddies (Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego) were made managers/overseers of the province of Babylon), yet they were defying his authority, making him look like a chump king (you did that to yourself, a-wad), and refused to disrespect God Almighty and worship the golden image. Word got to Nebuchadnezzar that The Three Hebrew Boys refused to bow down, but because King Nebuchadnezzar liked Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, he wanted to talk to them first.
As such, Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego went before King Nebuchadnezzar. Nebuchadnezzar asked them if it were true that they refused to bow down to the golden image, and they said “you’re darn skippy, it’s true! We only worship the one true God, and that’s a fact, Jack!”
Nebuchadnezzar reminded them of the stiff penalty (burning to death in the fiery furnace) for not bowing down to the image, he asked them who the God was that would save them (I should slap the taste of his mouth for making a smart-aleck remark like that! Please take the wheel, Jesus! Say no to violence, kids! Haha), they let Nebuchadnezzar know that their God (the true God of Israel and the God who sent his son, and our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, to die on the Cross for our sins) could save them, and that even if God didn’t save them, they would ALWAYS worship him and would NEVER bow down to the golden image. Nebuchadnezzar didn’t like this answer, and as such, he ordered that the furnace by heated seven times hotter than usual (he wants to burn them to a crisp!), and he ordered his army to throw Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego into the furnace.
Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego were bound-clothes on and all-and were thrown into the fiery furnace. The flames were so hot and widespread that it instantly killed the men whom threw them in! King Nebuchadnezzar expected the Three Hebrew boys to die instantly, but when he looked into the piping hot furnace (from up high, of course), he saw four men walking around like they were taking a stroll in the park! Nebuchadnezzar was shocked and speechless! First of all, how are they not dead right now?! Second of all, didn’t I throw THREE men into the furnace?! Why do I see FOUR men walking around, unbound, unchained, and unharmed?! His minions explained that he did indeed throw three men-Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego-into the furnace, and it was at this moment that Nebuchadnezzar said that the fourth man looked like the Son of God.
Ding! Ding! Ding! You are correct, dipstick! The Hebrew Boys are alive and well-unbound and unharmed-and the fourth man walking with them is the Son of God aka Jesus Christ himself (this is known as one of the pre-incarnate appearances of Jesus, as this happened before Jesus’s earthly birth. Remember, everyone, God the Father (God Almighty), God the Son (Jesus Christ), and God the Holy Spirit (the Holy Spirit that dwells within us when we give our lives to Jesus) have always existed-they appear in many ways, and in various forms, not just in bodily form)! Jesus had their backs and kept them safe, y’all!
King Nebuchadnezzar, with a permanent STANK FACE and looking dumber than usual, called out for Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, telling them to come out of the furnace. They walked out of the fiery furnace completely unharmed-they weren’t burnt (their hats were still on their heads, y’all! Haha), they weren’t hot, they didn’t smell like smoke, and they didn’t even have as much as a singed hair or a hair out of place (WOW! Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! Thank, you, Jesus! God is good! I believe in miracles! Break it down now! I believe in miracles!).
King Nebuchadnezzar realized how powerful their God (the only God!) truly was, and he immediately made a law (they wanted to be fancy and call it a “decree.” Haha) that if anyone dared disrespect the God of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, he or she (and their families) would be cut into pieces (filet migNINA. Haha jkjkjk), and their houses would be burned to the ground. Note, while King Nebuchadnezzar was getting closer to recognizing God’s supreme and ultimate authority, he was still worshipping fake gods and hadn’t repented of his sins…God had something for Nebuchadnezzar, though (we’ll be getting to that in a separate post, y’all! Haha)! With this, Nebuchadnezzar reinstated Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego to their positions of authority in Babylon, and the God of Israel had strutted his stuff once again (he was just getting started, y’all! Haha).
This is my story! Despite the fact that this summary was a bit longer, I can’t leave this one alone without a modern-day remix, y’all (much shorter than the summary. Haha)! Let’s get in front of the AC, pop open the ice cream (I have dips on the strawberry! That’s my favorite. Haha), and let’s get to remixing! NOTE: I will be utilizing modern-day language, technology, and ways of living in this story, as we’re picturing this happening today.
I Like My Traitors Extra Crispy!
By: Carletta Traylor aka C.N.
Biblical Reference: Daniel, Chapter 3
*The Babylonians, under King Nebuchadnezzar, had kidnapped many of Israel’s best and brightest sons-God’s chosen people-to corrupt them. The Israelites worshipped the one true God (the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob; the God who sent his son, and our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, to die on the Cross for our sins), while the Babylonians worshipped pagan (fake, second-rate) gods and liked to pick lint out of their own behinds (they had their heads up their own “you know whats.” Haha). Four friends-Daniel, Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego-were in this group of “exceptional” Israelites that the Babylonians kidnapped and took to Babylon. They all worshipped the one and only true God, and they were all in positions of power in Babylon-Daniel was a ruler over Babylon and chief of the wise men, only under King Nebuchadnezzar himself; Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego were managers/overseers over the province of Babylon.
King Nebuchadnezzar decided to build a 90ft x 9ft golden statue in Babylon (false idol worship! God is NOT pleased!), and he expected everyone to bow down and worship it. If anyone refused to bow down and worship the statue, they would lose their homes and cars (not the Pinto! Haha), would be sentenced to life in prison at Rikers Island (one of the WORST prisons on the face of the earth, located in New York), and would live inside a prison cell hotter than lava itself (inmates were guaranteed to die within minutes of being in that volcano). Nebuchadnezzar had organized a grand parade for his golden statue (full with music, balloons, floats, free food/candy, and appearances from well-known politicians, personalities and groups), and he expected everyone to drink the stupid juice (pass the moron’s milk!) and worship the golden image.
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego refused to bow down to the statue-they worship the one and only true God, gosh darnet (Daniel couldn’t make it to the parade-he had jury duty. Haha)! Word got to Nebuchadnezzar that The Three Hebrew Boys refused to act like mindless morons, and because Nebuchadnezzar really liked them, he wanted to give them a chance to explain themselves. As such, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego went before King Nebuchadnezzar. This should be very interesting. Haha*
King Nebuchadnezzar: Fellas! You know that y’all are my boys, right?! My homies! My dawgs! My home skillet biscuits with butter and jelly on top! My ace boon coons! My Day Ones! My friends! I like y’all a lot. That’s why I put y’all in these positions of power. I just heard, however, that y’all are refusing to bow down to my golden statue. Is this true?
Shadrach: With all due respect, King, yes it is true. We worship the one and only true God (that’s right, boy! Haha), the God of Israel, and we will not bow down to any other gods.
Meshach: With all due respect, King, I agree with Shadrach. The God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob is the only God who deserves to be worshipped, and we will not turn our backs on him. The phony golden statue has to go.
Abednego: With all due respect, King, I’m with Shadrach and Meshach. We know the power of the one and only true God, and he’s a jealous God. He told us in his Ten Commandments that he doesn’t want us worshipping idol gods, nor putting other gods before him. We can’t bow down to your wack statute. That buster needs to go to demolition.
King Nebuchadnezzar: Y’all do remember the penalty for not bowing down to my statue, don’t y’all?! Anyone who doesn’t bow down to the statue will lose his/her home and car, he/she will be sentenced to life in prison at Rikers Island (OH NO! Anywhere but there!), and he/she will be thrown into the hottest, stuffiest prison cell EVER-you won’t last 5 minutes in that cell. Who is the God that will save y’all?!
Shadrach, Meshach & Abednego (together): We know that our God can save us from Rikers Island-the barbaric violence, the terrible living conditions (dirty water, disgusting food, gnats everywhere, no central air, cramped living spaces, terrible reception (no YouTube, texting or ESPN for you! Haha)-, and even if he didn’t save us, we know that he could, we will always worship him, and we will NEVER bow down to your little funky golden statue!
King Nebuchadnezzar: Fine! Have it your way, boys (and he’s not talking Burger King, y’all! Haha)! Since you all don’t want to bow down to my statue, you’re all going to jail! Have fun at Rikers Island!
*This delusional dipstick, Nebuchadnezzar, has Shadrach, Meshach & Abednego handcuffed, chained, and thrown into a master cell together at Rikers Island (it’s barbaric!). This prison cell is so hot and stuffy that when the guards throw them in, they (the guards) instantly fall dead-ding-dong, the dipsticks are dead! Nebuchadnezzar expects the Three Hebrew Boys to be melted piles of DEAD on the prison cell floor (ice cream for everyone!), but when he looks into the cell from his helicopter (his helicopter has top of the line surveillance cameras that can penetrate through walls, y’all!), he sees four men walking around in the cell-no handcuffs on, unchained, unharmed, and having a picnic! WHAT?! Nebuchadnezzar calls the security front desk at Rikers Island to figure out what in the world is going on!*
King Nebuchadnezzar (calling the Rikers Island security staff from his cell phone in his fancy helicopter. Haha): Hey! Didn’t you all just throw three men into that master cell, the one’s that hotter than lava and kills on impact?!
Rikers Island Front Desk: Yes we did! They’re roasting like chestnuts on an open fire as we speak!
King Nebuchadnezzar: Wrong! I’m looking at them from my helicopter now, and there’s nothing wrong with them! They’re unharmed, unchained, their handcuffs have been taken off (they’re roaming free, y’all!), they’re running around like they’re training for the Olympics, and there’s a 4th man in there! OH…MY…GOODNESS, that 4th man looks like the Son of God (It’s Jesus! It’s Jesus! God has sent Jesus to save them! God has sent Jesus to save them! YIPPEE!!!!!!! This is one of several “pre-incarnate” appearances of Jesus-before his earthly birth. Remember, everyone, God the Father (God Almighty), God the Son (Jesus Christ), and God the Holy Spirit (the Holy Spirit that dwells within us when we give our lives to Jesus) have always existed-they appear in many ways, and in various forms, not just in bodily form)! Release them from prison this instant!
*Nebuchadnezzar ends the call, grabs his bullhorn and calls out to Shadrach, Meshach & Abednego from his helicopter-they land outside the prison to meet the boys when they come out.*
King Nebuchadnezzar: Shadrach, Meshach & Abednego, come out this instant!
*The Three Hebrew Boys walk outside of the prison-they have not been harmed in any way. Their clothes haven’t been burned, they’re not sweating (and STANKING up the place. Haha), they don’t smell like smoke, and not even a single hair on their heads has been singed or moved out of place. It’s a miracle! God has saved them! Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! Thank you, Jesus! God is good! Party time! Haha!*
Shadrach: What’s good, King Nebuchadnezzar?!
Meshach: What it do, homie?!
Abednego: What’s up, partner?!
King Nebuchadnezzar: I can’t believe it! Your God has saved y’all! I stacked all of the odds against y’all, threw y’all into the most dangerous prison and hottest cell that I could find, and not even a hair has been burned on y’allz bodies! Your God is the real deal! He’s awesome! No one else could have saved y’all but your God! I’m executing an executive order right now-no one is to EVER disrespect or smear the name of your God; if anyone does, that person will be sentenced to life in prison at Rikers Island, he or she will be thrown into the very master cell that you all were saved from, I will give all of his or her material possessions to my mooching children (anything to get them out of my house! Get a job already! Haha), and I will ruin his or her reputation FOREVER!!!!!! I’m so sorry for all of this, fellas. Please forgive me. As of right now, y’all have your jobs back! Hop in! Y’all can stay in my guesthouse while I get all of your houses rebuilt, buy you all new cars, and get you all health insurance this time (Jackpot! Lord knows they need to get those teeth fixed! Haha jkjkjk). Congratulations!
Shadrach, Meshach & Abednego (together): Thank you so much, King Nebuchadnezzar! We accept our jobs back! We’re going on a helicopter ride, everyone! 99 bottles of living water on the wall, 99 bottles of living water; we’ll take one down, pass it around, 98 bottles of living water on the wall!