Judas, The Braindead Backstabber!
By: Carletta Traylor aka C.N.
I’ve been waiting a long time to write this article, y’all! I don’t think I can put into words just how much I enjoy destroying that flying piece of monkey trash, Judas Iscariot. Aside from praising my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, and punting that lava-loving loser, Satan, in the head (“Satan’s A Sissy!”), making an absolute joke out of Judas is one of my favorite things to do (please forgive me, Lord. Y’all know that I’m crazy and need help. Haha). Before I proceed to roast Judas like chestnuts on an open fire (we’re close enough to the holiday season!), let’s do a brief recap of how we got here, shall we (of course we shall! Haha)?
In my last two posts, Simon Says, Be Gone, Stank! and I Pity the Fool! That’s YOU, Peter!!!, we took two different looks at Jesus’s last days on Earth. Jesus Christ is God in the flesh, God the Father’s only begotten son, 1/3 of the Holy Trinity (God the Father (God Almighty), God the Son (Jesus Christ), and God the Holy Spirit (the Holy Spirit, which lives within us once we repent of our sins (ask God to please forgive us of all of our sins and help us to not, and to not want to, sin again) and ask Jesus Christ into our lives as our personal Lord and Savior).
God the Father sent Jesus into this sin-sick world to teach the people about the Kingdom of God (teach us how to live so that we may inherit the Kingdom of Heaven one day), as well as to die for our sins. You all heard that right, folks! God the Father sent his own son, Jesus Christ, into this world to die for US.
The people of the day (much like us today) were sin-loving imbeciles-they loved sin, hated God (their rampant sin showed how much they didn’t love, respect, or fear God; to truly love God is to obey him), and didn’t think twice about it (they clearly drank the moron’s milk with their Frosted Flakes this morning, y’all! If the cup could talk, it would have said, “I’m with stupid!”).
God is perfect-he has never sinned (not even once!), never will sin, he hates sin with a passion, and he will not allow sin to enter into his perfect and holy Heaven. God the Father knew that we were sinful creatures (we’re not worthy of sniffing God’s glorious gluts, y’all! We could have easily been the BUTT of God’s jokes! WOW! That was corny. Welp, I am cornier than the cob and cheesier than Kraft macaroni and cheese; hi, my name’s Carletta! Haha), but instead of letting us die in our sins and suffer eternal torment (pain, pain, and more pain!) in Hell, because he loved-and continues to love-us so much, he sent Jesus into the world to die for our sins, that if we would trust and believe in Jesus, we wouldn’t perish (burn in Hell forever), but would have everlasting life (party with Jesus in Heaven forever, y’all! Aye! Turn up! Ain’t no party like a Holy Ghost party, ‘cause a Holy Ghost party don’t stop! Party over here! Ooh-ooh! Party over here! Ooh-ooh! Haha).
We’ve now come to Jesus’s final days. The Passover festival (the Jewish festival to celebrate God, through Moses, freeing the Israelites from Egyptian slavery-I See The Red Sea! Pharaoh’s A Weenie!) will take place in a couple of days, but Jesus knows that he’s about to die; he’s God in the flesh, he knows what’s going to happen before it happens, and God the Father has confirmed that it’s time for Jesus to make the ultimate sacrifice (giving his life and shedding his blood) on the Cross.
During Jesus’s three year earthly ministry (teaching and preaching about the Kingdom of God), he had 12 disciples (his homies! His road dogs! His Day Ones! His buddies! His pals! His partners! His best friends! His ace boon coons! His BFFs for life! His home skillet biscuits with butter and jelly on top! His ride or die renegades! His-ok. I’ll stop. Hahahahaha).
Jesus had personally handpicked these 12 men-Peter (Simon Peter), James, John, Andrew, Bartholomew, James (Jesus had two disciples named James, y’all!), Judas Iscariot, Jude, Matthew, Philip, Simon the Zealot (he had two Simons as well, y’all! Simon says, “Jesus ROCKS!”), and Thomas-to follow him; Jesus would teach them about the Kingdom of God (what God’s Word/law –the Holy Bible-truly says, how to follow it, how to live, and how to make it to Heaven once we keel over. Haha), but he would also prepare them to continue preaching his Gospel once he returned to Heaven (Jesus empowered his disciples to heal the sick and everything, y’all! Take that, Superman! Haha).
As the Passover was approaching, the Pharisees (a religious group of Jews who hated Jesus and wanted to kill him-Jesus preached God’s TRUE Word, which went against all of the hot garbage that those delusional dipsticks had been spewing out of their diarrhea holes) were looking for any reason to arrest and kill Jesus (LAME!).
The Pharisees (those overly sensitive snowflakes!) were threatened by Jesus’s ever increasing influence amongst the Jews (the people had stopped listening to those popcorn farts and were now following Jesus…as they should of! Good for them! Haha), and they knew if they tried to arrest Jesus in broad daylight (especially when Jesus was perfect-he had never sinned (he was the only perfect person to ever walk the face of this earth) and hadn’t done anything wrong), they would have gotten STOMPED OUT by the people-they were rough riders for the Lord, y’all (Holy Ghost gangsters! Haha)!
As such, those spineless punks (those timid Twizzlers!) tried to quietly trap Jesus, but they didn’t have to go very far to do it. One of Jesus’s own disciples, Judas Iscariot, proved to be a snake in the grass (may I please put my foot so far up Judas’s backside that he throws up my toenail polish as blood?! Please?! Please?! Pretty please with sprinkles and a cherry (and maybe a machete) on top?! Can I at least backhand him three ways into next week?! Run him over with my car?! Shoot him out of a cannon?! Stick his head so far up his own behind that he can smell what he ate for dinner last night and give himself a colonoscopy?! Please?!?!?!?! Please forgive me, Lord (please take the wheel, Jesus!)! Haha).
According to Luke 22:3-6 (NIV), the following had taken place with Judas:
Luke 22:3-6 (NIV)-Then Satan entered Judas, called Iscariot, one of the Twelve. And Judas went to the chief priests and the officers of the temple guard and discussed with them how he might betray Jesus. They were delighted and agreed to give him money. He consented, and watched for an opportunity to hand Jesus over to them when no crowd was present.
WOW! Just, WOW! Satan had entered Judas (can my shotgun enter both Satan and Judas?! PLEASE?! I’m kidding! I’m kidding! Say no to violence, kids! Jesus loves you! Haha) and had given him the heart to betray Jesus. Judas was a money hungry doofus (that greedy, greenback loving a-wad!!!!!! Have a Snickers, Carletta. You get a little loopy when you’re hungry. Either that or chew it over with Twix. Haha), so the thought of betraying Jesus for chump change (no amount of money is worth being separated from God forever!) had Judas chomping at the bit.
During the Last Supper (this particular meal was called the Last Supper because Jesus knew that immediately following the meal, Judas would betray him, tell the Pharisees where he (Jesus) was, and he (Jesus) would be arrested, leading to his (Jesus’s) brutal beating and death on the Cross), Jesus made the following statements to his disciples:
Luke 22:15-20 (NIV)-And he said to them, “I have eagerly desired to eat this Passover with you before I suffer. For I tell you, I will not eat it again until it finds fulfillment in the kingdom of God.” After taking the cup, he gave thanks and said, “Take this and divide it among you. For I tell you I will not drink again from the fruit of the vine until the kingdom of God comes.” And he took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them, saying, “This is my body given for you; do this in remembrance of me.” In the same way, after the supper he took the cup, saying, “This cup is the new covenant in my blood, which is poured out for you.
Jesus couldn’t wait to eat this Passover meal with his disciples, as this would be their last meal together before Jesus’s death (Jesus cherished these final moments with them). Jesus blessed the bread, broke it, and he and his disciples ate-the bread represents Jesus’s body, which he would sacrifice on the Cross for us (he died on the Cross for our sins). Jesus next blessed the wine (that’s Juicy Juice/grape juice for the kiddos and everyone under the age of 21! No funny business! Haha), and he and his disciples did partake of it-the wine represents Jesus’s blood, which he would shed on the Cross for us (Jesus was nailed to the Cross and bled to death for our sins).
As if the night wasn’t tense enough, Jesus dropped the bombshell of the evening (even bigger than LeBron not being anywhere near Michael! I’m sorry. I had to. HAHAHAHAHA):
Luke 22:21-23 (NIV)-But the hand of him who is going to betray me is with mine on the table. The Son of Man will go as it has been decreed. But woe to that man who betrays him!” They began to question among themselves which of them it might be who would do this.
AWWWW, snap! This is Jerry Springer and TNT levels of drama, y’all! Jesus just told his boys that the man (and I use that term VERY loosely. Haha) who would betray him was sitting at the table, eating with them at that very moment (Ooh, I just want to punch a hole through Judas’s face right now! Do you like jelly donuts, Judas?! WELL GUESS WHAT?! SO DO I! * BAMMMMM!!!!* Please help me, Lord! Haha). As we could all certainly imagine, everyone started losing their ever loving minds and wondering who the leaning tower of stupid was (is it me, Lord? Is it me?).
The disciples suddenly started fighting amongst themselves about which of them was the greatest disciple (who flipping cares?! This isn’t about y’all! This is about our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, you jamokes! Just give me one swing at them with a plastic baseball bat. Just one. I’m sorry. I’ll hush up now. Haha). Jesus explained to them that they were equal in his eyes (except Judas, of course. Haha), and that their (and our) greatness comes from loving and serving others, as God, through Jesus Christ himself, loves and serves us. As long as the disciples followed Jesus and his teachings, they’d be by his side in Heaven (Let the church say, “Amen!”).
Jesus next warned Peter that he would deny Jesus three times (which we discussed in my last post, I Pity The Fool! That’s YOU, Peter!!!), Peter denied that he could ever do such a thing (we all know how that worked out for him. Haha), Jesus explained that his purpose for being born (to die on the Cross for our sins) was about to be fulfilled, and Jesus (with his disciples right behind him), went to pray in the Garden of Gethsemane (within the Mount of Olives).
Jesus was admittedly nervous about dying on the Cross (he was in such anguish that his sweat felt like drops of blood on the ground), so much so, that Jesus asked God the Father if there was any other way to save us from our sins:
Luke 22:42 (NIV)-“Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.”
Jesus wanted to know if he could save us from our sins without going through the pain, suffering, and humiliation of the Cross, but he was still more than willing to fulfill his Father’s will (Jesus always obeyed and honored God the Father; he loved us so much that he was willing to suffer for us (we deserved that punishment for our sins, not Jesus)). God the Father sent an angel to strengthen Jesus, and once Jesus finished his prayer, he found his disciples sleeping (those boys were KNOCKED OUT! We’re talking ridiculously loud snoring (put a sock in it! Haha jkjkjk), drool, gnats, STANK breath, the whole nine yards! Haha).
Jesus ever so sweetly told them to get off their lazy behinds and start praying that they don’t fall into temptation (snap out of it, you slackers! Haha)! As Jesus was talking to them, the “you know what” hit the fan! Here comes a crowd of people, weapons in tow, ready to arrest Jesus. Guess who was leading these butt-sniffing ingrates (these Grade-A pieces of trash!) toward Jesus?! YOU ALL GUESSED IT! That low down, good for nothing, money hungry, two faced, backstabbing, braindead scum of the earth (that spineless weasel!), Judas Iscariot (YES! Jesus’s disciple, Judas!)!
Judas had betrayed Jesus, selling him out for 30 pieces of silver (roughly $200! Are you kidding me?! It’s bad enough that you’ve betrayed the Lord and Savior of the world, you worthless waste of space, but he was only worth 200 flipping dollars to you?!?!?! Not only are you a blithering IDIOT, Judas, but you’re a CHEAP, blithering idiot! Where’s my chainsaw?!?! Stifle yourself, Carletta! Haha).
As Judas led the Scum of the Earth Society to arrest Jesus (please welcome to the stage, Judas and the Jokes!), Judas kissed Jesus on the cheek (Jesus asked Judas if he was betraying him with a kiss-Judas wasn’t man enough to answer the question; I would have slapped Judas’s lips right off of his betraying face! I need some candy. Haha), the disciples asked Jesus if they should draw their swords (they were ready for a fight!), Peter went Super Saiyan on those fools and cut off one of those clown’s right ear (thata’ boy, Peter!), Jesus told Peter to knock it off, as that wasn’t the Godly thing to do (errr, never mind, Peter. Haha), and Jesus miraculously healed the man’s right ear (only for that same clown to still help arrest Jesus! That’s selfless love, folks!).
Jesus asked the men what he had done to warrant his arrest (not a thing!), but he ultimately knew that his time was up; it was time for him to die on the Cross for our sins (I will praise you forever, Jesus!). As such, Jesus allowed the men to arrest him (even though he could have snapped his fingers and made them all disappear; or breathed on them and slaughtered them all. His choice. Haha), the disciples frantically followed behind (what are they doing to our Lord?!?!?!), and the plan had been set in motion-Jesus would be whipped (beaten within an inch of his life), the masses would turn on him (not everyone, but many people), he would die on Calvary’s Cross (Jesus + A Tree=I’ve Been Set Free!), but God the Father would raise him from the dead, on the third day, with all power in his hands (Jesus Rose Like A G…OD)!
Who wanted to gouge Judas’s eyes out with a flaming pitchfork?! Doh! Cut it out, Carletta! Say no to violence again, kids! Jesus is love! Haha. While Judas turned his back on Jesus, which ultimately led to Jesus’s death on the Cross, I want to make a couple of key points.
Firstly, Jesus knew from the moment that he picked Judas to be one of his disciples that Judas would betray him. Remember, everyone, Jesus is God in the flesh, and he knows everything (he knows what we’re going to say and do before we say and do it! He already knows what’s going to happen before it happens!). For those of you wondering why Jesus would choose Judas to be one of his disciples then, Jesus knew what had to be done to fulfill his Father’s purposes.
Judas had to become one of Jesus’s disciples to be in a position to betray him (no one would have been able to betray Jesus the way Judas did). Judas had to betray Jesus in order for Jesus to be arrested, die on the Cross for our sins, and rise from the dead on the third day. Jesus had to die on the Cross for our sins and rise from the dead on the third day to pay the price for our sins, that if we would repent of our sins and trust and believe in Jesus, we would not perish, but have everlasting life (Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! Thank you, Jesus! God is good!).
Secondly (and lastly), Judas’s raging stupidity came back to bite him in the butt. As Matthew 27:1-10 (KJV/NIV) tells us, Satan left Judas after having him do his dirty work, in which case Judas came to his senses. Once Judas realized what he had done, and once he found out that Jesus was going to be crucified on the Cross, he tried to return the blood money he had taken for betraying Jesus (he admitted that he had sinned and betrayed innocent blood, but he never actually repented of this sin).
The chief priests wouldn’t change their minds about crucifying Jesus, however, and the guilt and shame proved to be too much for Judas. As such, Judas threw the 30 pieces of silver into the temple and he committed suicide by hanging himself. A terrible ending to a disciple’s life (Satan doesn’t love or care about anyone-he’s like a roaring lion, looking to steal, kill and destroy as many precious souls as he can. He’ll use people to do his dirty work, chew them up, spit them out when he no longer has any use for them, and will leave them drowning in their sin, guilt and shame. Bump that loser!!!!!!).
Though the story of Judas does not have a happy ending, Jesus’s story certainly does! When Jesus rose from the dead on that fateful Sunday morning, he had all power in his hands! Jesus’s resurrection meant that he had defeated Satan, hell, death, and the grave! No grave could hold God’s body down! Likewise, if we repent of our sins, turn to Jesus, ask Jesus into our lives as our Lord and Savior, and follow him the rest of our lives, we too shall rise again (we’ll be in Heaven with Jesus forever, y’all!)! We always have hope in Jesus Christ!
I hope that you all enjoyed today’s post! I definitely have some gems coming up (stay tuned!)! Until then, I love you all, God bless you all, and I’ll see you all on the next one!