Nebuchadnezzar: The Wacky
By: Carletta Traylor aka C.N.
Calling all dipsticks! Calling all dipsticks (what kind of way is that to open a post, Carletta?! In the words of Stephanie Tanner from Full House, “How rude!” Haha)! I don’t know about any of you, but I love to see pompous, self-centered weasels get what’s coming to them (not in a mean, “get run over by a car” type of way, but in a “that’s what you get for sticking your head so far up your own behind, you could give yourself a colonoscopy. Eat wallpaper!” type of way. Please forgive me, Jesus! Haha).
When a person thinks too highly of him or herself (I’m God’s gift to Earth! Yeah, alright, clown.), has a bigger head than Megamind on a good day (that boy’s head is HUMONGOUS! I’m the one to talk; you could build a 5-car garage on my forehead. Haha), and feels that he or she can’t be touched (Can’t touch this! *Duh-nuh-nuh-nuh, nuh-nuh, nuh-nuh.* Can’t touch this!), that person must be humbled (more like slapped, but I’m trying to behave. Say no to violence, kids! Jesus loves you!), or brought down to size, in order for him or her to SNAP OUT OF IT (Oh, you thought that you were running something over here?!?! My name on all of these bills says otherwise!).
Just as we want one another to be humble (talk back to me again, little boy, and you can take whatever $2.27 you have in your piggybank and go discover America! Happy Columbus Day!), God has his ways of humbling us when we get too big for our britches (he has no problem giving us a holy headbutt, y’all! KAPOW! Haha). With that in mind, let’s explore the story of King Nebuchadnezzar in the wilderness, shall we?
In yesterday’s post, Nebuchadnezzar Fears Statues!, we saw that King Nebuchadnezzar of Babylon was a ruthless leader who worshipped fake gods (that clown worshipped Baal, who was one of Satan’s (that lava-loving loser’s) best friends), worshipped money and power (he was greedier than Fat Albert at Old Country Buffet, y’all!), loved to kill and corrupt innocent souls (stick your corruption where the sun doesn’t shine!), and thought that he was hot stuff (the only thing “hot” about him was his STANK breath; would you PLEASE brush your teeth?!?!?!). King Nebuchadnezzar had become haunted by a series of terrible dreams, so much so, that he couldn’t sleep at night. King Nebu was desperate to find out what these dreams meant, and as such, he called the magicians, enchanters, sorcerers and astrologers (those clowns were more lost than Jack Shephard and Kate Austen combined) of the land to interpret his dreams. When these jamokes couldn’t interpret King Nebu’s dreams (you’re kidding me?!?!?!), Nebu the Nimrod ordered that all of the wise men in Babylon be murdered.
In Nebuchadnezzar’s never-ending quest for power, he imprisoned the “best and brightest” young Jewish men from Israel (the Israelites worshipped the one and only true God-God Almighty, who loved us so much, that he sent his only begotten Son (our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ) to die on the Cross for our sins-bad things that we say, do, don’t do, and/or think, that God doesn’t like-that if we would trust and believe in Jesus, we would not perish (die in our sins and suffer eternal torment in Hell), but have everlasting life (we’ll be living it up with Jesus in Heaven forever, y’all! Aye! Turn up! Haha)), in order to corrupt them (turn them against God and toward Satan/evil) and to stroke his out of control ego (I should “stroke” my foot so far up his behind that he throws up my toenail polish as blood! Please forgive me, Lord. Say no to violence, kids! Y’all know that I need help. Haha).
Four of the young boys that Nebu had imprisoned and taken to Babylon were Daniel (Nebu changed his name to Belteshazzar, but we still know him as Daniel) and his three friends: Hananiah (King Nebu changed his name to Shadrach), Mishael (King Nebu changed his name to Meshach), and Azariah (King Nebu changed his name to Abednego); all four of them worshipped, and would always worship, the one and only true God (thata’ boys!). Whereas none of King Nebu’s minions (and I’m not talking the cute, cuddly kind from the Despicable Me movies, either!) could interpret his dream, Daniel (through a vision that God gave him) successfully interpreted Nebu’s dream: there was a great statue with a head of gold, a chest and arms of silver, a belly and thighs of bronze, legs of iron, and feet and toes (10 toes) of both iron and clay (the feet and toes were partly iron, partly clay). A supernatural stone (not cut out by human hands) hit the statue’s feet, causing the entire statue to crumble to the ground. The stone suddenly became a huge mountain that filled the entire earth.
Daniel explained that King Nebu’s dream meant the following: four great empires would dominate the world from then until the end of time, with each successive empire being less powerful than the previous one was. The head of gold in the statue represented King Nebuchadnezzar and Babylon, which was the first great empire. The chest and arms of silver represented the Medo-Persian Empire (led by King Cyrus II), which would overtake and be less powerful than the Babylonian Empire was (just as silver is less valuable than gold is). The belly and thighs of bronze represented the Grecian (Greece) Empire (under Alexander the Great), which would overtake and be less powerful than the Medo-Persian Empire was (just as bronze is less valuable than silver is). The legs of iron and feet and toes (10 toes) of iron and clay represented the Roman Empire, which would be as strong as iron, would crush any competition before it, and would have 10 different kings within it (we have seen 9 appearances of the Roman Empire so far; we will see one more appearance of the Roman Empire before the world ends).
Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, is going to come back to Earth to take his children (all believers in and followers of Jesus) home (to Heaven) and to judge/destroy this wicked, sin-loving world (starting with the evil Roman Empire). Jesus will then set up the Kingdom of Heaven, which he himself shall rule over as King (Hallelujah!), and which shall never be destroyed (Heaven will last forever, y’all! YAAASSSSSS!!!). The supernatural stone that hit the feet of the statue and caused it to crumble represents Jesus Christ destroying this world, starting with the Roman Empire (Jesus is God in the flesh and one-third of the Holy Trinity: God the Father (God Almighty), God the Son (Jesus Christ), and God the Holy Spirit (the Holy Spirit, which lives within us to lead/guide us once we’ve 1) repented of our sins (asked God to please forgive us of our sins and help us to stop sinning) and have 2) asked Jesus Christ into our lives as our Lord and Savior)). The stone suddenly becoming a huge mountain that fills the entire earth represents Jesus setting up the Kingdom of God/Heaven (with Jesus as King), which shall last forever (it won’t ever be destroyed, y’all! Hip-hip, hooray!!! Hip-hip, hooray!!! Pop the Juicy-Juice!).
King Nebuchadnezzar was shocked that Daniel was able to interpret his dream, and as such, he fell to his face (you better fall, you BUSTER! You’re a PUNK!), made Daniel ruler over Babylon and Chief of the Governors (our main man, Dan, was the leader of the wise men, making him the second most powerful man in Babylon, only under King Nebuchadnezzar himself!), made Dan’s buddies (Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego) managers/overseers over the provinces of Babylon, and the wise men of Babylon were saved (praise God! Thank you, Jesus!)!
Even with God Almighty proving his power and authority to King Nebuchadnezzar (through Daniel’s interpretation of his dream), Nebuchadnezzar continued to act like he didn’t have any home training-he never repented of his sins, he continued to worship fake gods (and did not worship the one and only true God, God Almighty), he continued to be money and power hungry, he continued to kill innocent people for sport (he could snap his fingers and have someone killed INSTANTLY), and his ego continued to grow (that flying piece of monkey trash never gave God credit for anything, and he always thought that he himself was responsible for his success. Think again, idiot!).
In my previous post, I Like My Traitors Extra Crispy!, we saw just how much of a delusional dipstick Nebu the Nimrod really was (he clearly drank the moron’s milk with his Frosted Flakes that morning. Clown!). In the 3rd Chapter of Daniel (in the Holy Bible), Nebuchadnezzar’s head had gotten so big that he actually had a 90ft high, 9ft wide golden statue of HIMSELF built (as if he were God), which he expected the Babylonians to worship: if you didn’t bow down to the statue, you would be thrown into a stupidly-hot fiery furnace to burn to death. Long story short, Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego refused to bow down to Nebu’s statue (Daniel was not with them; maybe he was watching the Bears game and fell asleep. Haha), they were thrown into the fiery furnace to burn to death…but…get this…they didn’t die! God had their backs (I’ll refer you all to that post to see what happened. Haha)!
Needless to say, Nebuchadnezzar had lost his ever-loving mind, he was way too proud, and he needed to be humbled. In steps God Almighty (alright now! Haha). In the 4th Chapter of Daniel (which is written from King Nebuchadnezzar’s first-person perspective; the only time in the Bible where a chapter is written by a non-believer in God/Jesus Christ), we see that King Nebuchadnezzar is being haunted by yet another dream (stop eating pizza before bed, Nebu! For goodness sakes! Haha jkjkjk), and he wishes to know what it means. Unlike his first dream in Chapter 2 (the statue dream), Nebuchadnezzar actually remembers this dream (he knows what happened in the dream), but he still needs help interpreting it. Nebu immediately asks Daniel to interpret his dream for him (as Dan had interpreted his statue dream in Chapter 2). Nebu himself tells Daniel (and us) what he saw in his dream (the text is a little long, but no worries! We’re going to break things down so much that even Big Bird and Cookie Monster can understand it! Haha):
Daniel 4:4-18 (KJV)-I Nebuchadnezzar was at rest in mine house, and flourishing in my palace: I saw a dream which made me afraid, and the thoughts upon my bed and the visions of my head troubled me. Therefore made I a decree to bring in all the wise men of Babylon before me, that they might make known unto me the interpretation of the dream. Then came in the magicians, the astrologers, the Chaldeans, and the soothsayers: and I told the dream before them; but they did not make known unto me the interpretation thereof. But at the last Daniel came in before me, whose name was Belteshazzar, according to the name of my God, and in whom is the spirit of the holy gods: and before him I told the dream, saying, O Belteshazzar, master of the magicians, because I know that the spirit of the holy gods is in thee, and no secret troubleth thee, tell me the visions of my dream that I have seen, and the interpretation thereof. Thus were the visions of mine head in my bed; I saw, and behold a tree in the midst of the earth, and the height thereof was great. The tree grew, and was strong, and the height thereof reached unto heaven, and the sight thereof to the end of all the earth: The leaves thereof were fair, and the fruit thereof much, and in it was meat for all: the beasts of the field had shadow under it, and the fowls of the heaven dwelt in the boughs thereof, and all flesh was fed of it. I saw in the visions of my head upon my bed, and, behold, a watcher and an holy one came down from heaven; He cried aloud, and said thus, Hew down the tree, and cut off his branches, shake off his leaves, and scatter his fruit: let the beasts get away from under it, and the fowls from his branches: Nevertheless leave the stump of his roots in the earth, even with a band of iron and brass, in the tender grass of the field; and let it be wet with the dew of heaven, and let his portion be with the beasts in the grass of the earth: Let his heart be changed from man’s, and let a beast’s heart be given unto him; and let seven times pass over him. This matter is by the decree of the watchers, and the demand by the word of the holy ones: to the intent that the living may know that the most High ruleth in the kingdom of men, and giveth it to whomsoever he will, and setteth up over it the basest of men. This dream I king Nebuchadnezzar have seen. Now thou, O Belteshazzar, declare the interpretation thereof, forasmuch as all the wise men of my kingdom are not able to make known unto me the interpretation: but thou art able; for the spirit of the holy gods is in thee.
Whew! That was long! Haha. Anywho, King Nebuchadnezzar tells us what he saw in his dream: he saw a huge tree that spread over the entire earth, which was full of fruit (can a sista get a peach, please?! I know proper English! The proper way to ask the question is as follows: May I please have a nice, juicy peach from the tree, Sir? Don’t go there with me! Haha) and provided shade, shelter and food to all of the animals and birds (let’s eat!). Suddenly, a “holy watcher” (one of God’s angels) came down from Heaven and ordered that the tree be cut down, but not fully. This watcher ordered that the tree’s leaves and branches be cut off, but a stump covered with a “band of iron and bronze” would remain (it’s like the tree got a haircut! I guess God thought that it looked too much like Don King and an electrocuted Chia Pet combined. Haha. I need to behave. Haha).
This tree represents a human being, as the angel says that “he” should be bathed in dew and have his mind changed from that of a human to a beast (the man will go crazy and turn into a braindead wildebeest (he’ll make Chewbacca seem good-looking!), y’all! He’ll be wilder than college kids on summer vacation and nuttier than Planter’s peanuts!). The man will remain this way until “seven times” have passed over him (he’ll be this way for 7 years!). The man will have to endure this torture until he realizes that there is only one God (God Almighty himself), and NO ONE is above him (stay humble, clown! No one is greater than God! God is greater than everyone and everything!).
Wow! Nebu the Nimrod asks Daniel to interpret his dream (what does it mean?! What does it mean?!), and Daniel, knowing what the dream means (thanks to God revealing the meaning to him), wishes that it were meant for Nebu’s enemies instead of Nebu himself (it’s that bad, y’all!). Daniel tells Nebuchadnezzar the truth, though: Nebuchadnezzar himself is the tree that is going to be cut down (Awww, snap! It’s getting good! Get your popcorn and soda ready!). Nebu is the leader of the massive Babylonian Empire, and as such, it’s his responsibility to feed, provide shelter for, and protect the people. However, due to Nebuchadnezzar’s arrogant ways and his hardened heart, he’ll be cut down (he won’t be the king of Babylon anymore, y’all!), he’ll go crazy (the man was already mad! Imagine him going even more mad!), he’ll flee human society, he’ll live out in the woods (in the wilderness!) with the wild animals, and he’ll eat grass as the wild animals do (no more caviar for you! Hahahahahahahaha)! Nebu the Nimrod is going to turn into Nebu the wildebeest!
Nebuchadnezzar cannot escape this fate, but Daniel pleads with him to PLEASE repent of his sins (ask God to forgive him of his sins and help him to stop sinning), be more kind, loving, and holy, and do more to help (not hurt, corrupt or kill) the poor and oppressed. An ENTIRE YEAR passes by, and King Nebuchadnezzar, still sane, still has NOT repented of his sins and changed his ways (Wow! Crown this guy the king of the Fungus-Infested Toe Rag Society! Oh, wait. Satan is the king of that. Nebu can be a member of his cabinet then. Haha).
One day, as Nebuchadnezzar is walking along the rooftop of his palace in Babylon, he starts bragging about how great he is, how great Babylon is, and how HE HIMSELF (not God Almighty) is responsible for all of Babylon’s beauty, wealth and power (can I run him over with my car, please?! Please?! Pretty please with sprinkles, Oreo cookies, a cherry, and a dented car bumper on top?!). At that very moment, a voice from Heaven announces to Nebuchadnezzar that it’s time to pay the piper (it’s time for God to humble you, boy! You’re going to learn to fear and praise God one way or the other, sunshine!)! As such, Nebu the Nimrod loses control of Babylon, he goes crazy in the wilderness, he ends up growing hair as long as eagle feathers, and his fingernails and toenails become like bird claws (long and curled over, y’all! That man was BUTT ugly, and that’s an insult to our behinds!).
Nebuchadnezzar remained in the wilderness for 7 years, and at the end of this 7-year period, God restored Nebu’s sanity (God gave him his mind back!) and allowed him to once again be the king of Babylon (with even more money, power and influence than before!). King Nebuchadnezzar has DRASTICALLY changed his tune (good, because that other song was TRASH!). Nebu says the following:
Daniel 4:34-37 (KJV)-And at the end of the days I, Nebuchadnezzar, lifted up mine eyes unto heaven, and mine understanding returned unto me, and I blessed the most High, and I praised and honoured him that liveth forever, whose dominion is an everlasting dominion, and his kingdom is from generation to generation: And all the inhabitants of the earth are reputed as nothing: and he doeth according to his will in the army of heaven, and among the inhabitants of the earth: and none can stay his hand, or say unto him, What doest thou? At the same time my reason returned unto me; and for the glory of my kingdom, mine honour and brightness returned unto me; and my counsellors and my lords sought unto me; and I was established in my kingdom, and excellent majesty was added unto me. Now I Nebuchadnezzar praise and extol and honour the King of heaven, all whose works are truth, and his ways judgment: and those that walk in pride he is able to abase.
Nebuchadnezzar, now the king of Babylon again, recognizes that NO ONE is greater than God Almighty (that’s right, boy!). The Kingdom of God shall last forever, which is more than any earthly king (himself included) will ever be able to say (when Nebu dies, his second-rate, toilet paper throne will die with him. Haha). Nebuchadnezzar goes on to say that God Almighty is able to bring the proud down (referring to how God knocked him off of his high horse when he became cockier than roosters on Sunday morning), and he, Nebuchadnezzar, shall praise and honor the King of Heaven (God Almighty) forevermore. It should be noted that many people question just how sincere Nebuchadnezzar’s change of heart was (did he truly repent of his sins?). Regardless of one’s thoughts on that, it’s clear that God got Nebuchadnezzar’s attention (I run this piece, fool! You better recognize!), and God can (and will) humble us when we get out of line.
I always like to end my posts by explaining how we can become saved and make Heaven our eternal home. Becoming saved and living it up with Jesus forever is as simple as ABC:
Admit that we’re sinners, and ask God to please forgive us of our sins (bad things that we say, do, don’t do, and/or think, that God doesn’t like) and help us to stop sinning (Please clean me up, Lord! I’m hot garbage, dipped in excrement, sprinkled in chitling grease on the inside (just STANKY!)!).
Believe that Jesus Christ is God’s son, that he died on the Cross for our sins, that he rose from the dead (3 days later) with all power in his hands, that’s he’s back in Heaven with God Almighty right now, and that he’s coming back to get his children (take all believers home with him to Heaven) and to judge/destroy this wicked world.
Commit ourselves to following Jesus Christ (listen to him and live for/like him forevermore).
When we do this, we’ll be partying with Jesus in Heaven forever, y’all (Aye! Turn up! Ain’t no party like a Holy Ghost party, ‘cause a Holy Ghost party don’t stop! Party over here! Ooh-ooh! Party over here! Ooh-ooh! Haha)!
Given the length of today’s story, I will not do a modern-day remix of it (I haven’t left them behind! They’ll be making a comeback VERY soon!). No worries, though (I’m not THAT trifling!)! I have instead included a wonderful video from GOKidz Asia, which explains today’s story beautifully.
GOKidz Asia-King Nebuchadnezzar Became A Beast (YouTube):
I hope that you all enjoyed today’s post (I know that I did. Haha)! There will be plenty more where this one came from! Until next time, I love you all, God bless you all, and I’ll see you all on the next one!