It’s A Bird! It’s A Plane! It’s Jesus!
By: Carletta Traylor aka C.N.
Ahhh, it’s Tuesday! The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, it feels like a hot summer day (snap out of it, Carletta! You live in Chicago! It’s below freezing, it’s snowing like crazy, and it’s so windy that when you left out this morning, the wind gave your eyelashes and your thoughts whiplash. Haha), and it’s time for you and I to have a little chit-chat!
Have any of you ever heard the phrase “when pigs fly” before? When I was 10 years old, I asked my loving, Christian grandparents if I could “borrow” their car to buy a Happy Meal from McDonalds, to which they so lovingly replied, “when pigs fly” (they weren’t crazy enough to give me the keys to the car-unless they wanted me to crash into a tree somewhere-, but they did drive me to McDonalds and buy me a Happy Meal. I win! Haha). When someone says that he or she will do something “when pigs fly,” this simply means that it’s NOT going to happen (No! Nope! I don’t think so! Try again! Hecky naw! It ain’t happening! So forth and such which).
Let’s think about this for a moment. Pigs don’t actually fly (if they do, we have a serious problem (Houston, we have a problem!)), and as such, the phrase “when pigs fly” is simply meant to crush your hopes and dreams in the most imaginative way possible (can y’all imagine seeing a flying pig (what’s good, Porky?!?!?! How’s Pinky?! Can I get an “oink! oink!?!?”)?! Red Bull (or should I say, Red Pig) gives you wings! Quick! Get the camera and the popcorn!).
What would happen, however, if someone replied to one of our ridiculous requests (Mom! May I PLEASE have $1,000,000 to go to Switzerland and watch “The Dalmations” on ice?!?! Pretty please with sprinkles, peanuts, cookies, crocodile tears and a cherry on top?!) with the phrase “when Jesus flies?” Now we’re cooking (if you smellll, what the Rock is cooking!)! This brings us to today’s Bible story, Jesus’s ascension into Heaven.
We’ve discussed the birth (Mommy, Where Did Baby Jesus Come From?), life (there are too many articles to list. We’d be here until next spring. Haha), death (Jesus + A Tree=I’ve Been Set Free!), and resurrection (Jesus Rose Like A G…OD) of our Lord and Savior (God’s only begotten Son), Jesus Christ, in great detail. I always love to discuss how we all can become saved (give our lives to Jesus and live it up with Jesus and God the Father in Heaven forever, y’all! Aye! Turn up! Ain’t no party like a Holy Ghost party, ‘cause a Holy Ghost party don’t stop! Party over here! Ooh-ooh! Party over here! Ooh-ooh!). Becoming saved is as simple as ABC:
· Admit that we’re sinners, and ask God to please forgive us of our sins (bad things that we say, do, don’t do, and/or think, that God doesn’t like) and help us to stop sinning (Please clean me up, Lord! I’m hot garbage, dipped in excrement, sprinkled in chitling grease on the inside (just STANKY!)!).
· Believe that Jesus Christ is God’s son, that he died on the Cross for our sins, that he rose from the dead (3 days later) with all power in his hands, that’s he’s back in Heaven with God Almighty right now, and that he’s coming back to get his children (take all believers home with him to Heaven) and to judge/destroy this wicked world.
· Commit ourselves to following Jesus Christ (listen to him and live for/like him forevermore).
When we give our lives to Jesus Christ and follow him forevermore, our lives are never the same (they’re a million times BETTER, y’all! Not only will God love, protect and take care of us here on Earth (we don’t have anything to worry about, y’all! God has our backs!), but God has promised us a HUGE mansion, streets of gold, an all-you-can-eat buffet (milk and honey for everyone!), and ENDLESS (non-stop!) music, family, fun, and happiness in Heaven FOREVER (cue the Dexter laugh!)! Heaven is a perfect paradise-there is NO sin, pain, suffering, sadness, anger, sickness, death, stress, or anything bad in Heaven; everyone is perfect and happy all of the time, y’all (in the words of Spongebob Squarepants, “I’m ready!!!!!”)!
Jesus Christ is the ONLY way to Heaven (we can’t get to Heaven any other way or through anyone/anything else. Jesus makes clear to us in John 14:6 (KJV) (of the Holy Bible, God’s Holy Word) that HE is the way, the truth, and the life, and no man cometh unto the Father, but by him. In other words, Jesus is the only way to God’s holy and perfect Heaven. Point…blank…period), and I want to see all of you lovely studs and studdettes there (It’s time to shake and bake! Let’s blow this popsicle stand! Haha)!
Anywho, back to today’s story (finally! We were wondering how long you were going to RAMBLE on and on before getting to the point, Carletta! It’s not like we have anything to do or lives to live! Haha. Jkjkjk. We’re NEVER rambling when we talk about Jesus Christ; we all need to know these things!).
If we’ll recall from my previous post, Jesus Rose Like A G…OD (which was also my very first post on this site), Jesus rose from the dead (he’s alive again! He’s alive again!) on a fateful Sunday morning, after he had been murdered on the Cross (he was nailed to the Cross and was crucified for six long, painful hours) and buried in Joseph’s tomb on that previous Friday (not his earthly father, Joseph, but a man named Joseph of Arimathea. Jesus just needed to borrow the tomb for the weekend. Haha.).
Jesus’s resurrection from the dead proved that he was God in the flesh (to be clear, kids (and adults. Haha), Jesus is God himself, one-third of the Holy Trinity: God the Father (God Almighty), God the Son (Jesus Christ), and God the Holy Spirit (the Holy Spirit, which lives inside of us once we’ve repented of our sins (asked God to forgive us of our sins and please help us to stop sinning) and given our lives to Jesus); no regular human being could raise himself from the dead (Jesus is the MAN! The GOD! The A1 boss! The BOMB.com!)!
As Mark 16:12-14 (KJV), Luke 24:36-49 (KJV), and John 20:19-29 (KJV) tell us (3 of the 4 Gospels of the Bible-the first four books of the New Testament-; the only Gospel that doesn’t discuss Jesus’s appearances after his resurrection at length is the book of Matthew), Jesus remained on Earth 40 days after his resurrection, appearing to many people in the process (he had the holes in his hands, feet, sides, and everything, y’all! WOW!).
Most notably, Jesus paid his 11 disciples (who were no longer “disciples” (students learning from their Lord, Savior, and teacher, Jesus Christ), but “apostles” (Jesus had taught them about the Kingdom of God and had now sent them to teach it to others. Fly, little birdies! Fly!)) a surprise visit (I love surprises! Let me get my “surprised STANK face” ready!).
Please note that there were only 11 apostles instead of 12 here; that fiery fruit loop (that’s an insult to Fruit Loops! I love that cereal. Haha), Judas Iscariot, had betrayed Jesus (he had turned his back on Jesus and had ratted him out to the Roman government, leading to Jesus’s death on the Cross->Judas, The Braindead Backstabber!), he committed suicide (he killed himself because he couldn’t handle the guilt/shame of betraying Jesus), and as such, he was no longer one of Jesus’s disciples/apostles.
Anywho, Jesus visited the apostles after his resurrection (they were hiding out together with the doors locked, as they were afraid that the butt-backwards Roman government would come after them and kill them next…since they all believed in, followed, walked with, and were personally taught by Jesus Christ). They couldn’t believe that Jesus had risen from the dead! He’s alive! He’s alive! He’s alive! Jesus is God in the flesh! Jesus is God in the flesh! Jesus is God in the flesh! Ten of the eleven apostles ran and told Thomas, the 11th apostle, that they had seen Jesus in resurrected form (Thomas was not with them when Jesus first appeared to them; he must’ve been taking a nap. Haha)!
Thomas didn’t believe the apostles; he just HAD to be a doubting dipstick and refused to believe that Jesus had risen from the dead unless he saw Jesus for himself (have you learned NOTHING in the three years that you were with Jesus, Thomas?!?!?!?! Are you flipping kidding me?!!?!?! Can I PLEASE backhand Thomas into next week and run him over with my car?! Please?! Pretty please with whipped cream, sprinkles and a broken tooth on top?! Please forgive me, Lord! Y’all know that I need help. Say “no” to violence, kids! Jesus and I love you. Haha).
A week later, Jesus appeared before all 11 apostles in the house, he told Thomas to put his (Thomas’s) fingers into his (Jesus’s) hands and sides (nails had been driven through Jesus’s hands on the Cross, and a spear had been driven through his side to ensure that he was dead), Thomas did so (look at those holes!), and Thomas immediately believed that Jesus had risen from the dead (Oh, NOW you believe them, Thomas!)! My Lord! My God! You’re here! You’ve risen from the dead!
While Jesus was happy that Thomas finally believed in his resurrection, Jesus made clear that those who believe in him WITHOUT first seeing him are truly blessed (will live it up with him in Heaven forever!).
Jesus appeared to several more of his followers during his 40-day “resurrection journey,” he performed his last recorded miracle in the Bible (helping his homies-the apostles-to catch ENDLESS numbers of fish after they hadn’t caught diddly squat all day. Haha), he forgave Simon Peter for denying him three times (I Pity The Fool! That’s YOU, Peter!!!!), he told Simon Peter to “feed my sheep” (lead the other apostles in spreading the Gospel of Jesus Christ and teaching others about the Kingdom of God), and he ended his time on Earth by giving his apostles the Great Commission (found in Matthew 28:18-20 (KJV)):
Matthew 28:18-20 (KJV)-And Jesus came and spake unto them, saying, All power is given unto me in heaven and in earth. Go ye therefore, and teach all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost: Teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you: and, lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world. Amen.
Jesus told the apostles to do what he expects all of us saved folk to do today-spread the Gospel of Jesus Christ to as many people as possible (all over the world); baptize the unsaved/unchurched (dunking booth!) in the name of God the Father (God Almighty), God the Son (Jesus Christ), and God the Holy Spirit (the Holy Spirit); make as many disciples (students of Jesus Christ/followers) as possible, such that when Jesus comes back to take his children home to Heaven, Heaven will be packed, y’all (Heaven is big enough for all of us, y’all! We’ll have PLENTY of dancing room! I feel an Electric Slide coming on! Watch out now! Give me some room! Haha)!
With this, it was time for Jesus to return to Heaven with God the Father. While Mark 16: 19-20 (KJV) and Luke 24: 50-53 (KJV) describe Jesus’s ascension back into Heaven, we’re going to use the Acts 1: 9-12 (KJV) account of Jesus’s ascension for this post (something this important couldn’t be contained in just one book of the Bible! Haha).
Once Jesus gave the apostles the Great Commission at the Mount of Olives (a mountain ridge/hill in Jerusalem), Jesus was suddenly lifted up into the air (like a boss! Black hawks don’t have anything on Jesus!), and a cloud took him back to Heaven (the apostles could no longer see him. It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s JESUS!!!).
As the apostles watched Jesus’s ascension into Heaven (they had the ultimate STANK face, y’all! They were in shock by what they had just witnessed!), two men in white clothing (angels) suddenly appeared and asked them why they were standing around, gazing at the skies? Just as Jesus had ascended into Heaven on a cloud, he would come back to Earth on a cloud to take his children (all believers in him) home to glory (we’re going to Heaven, y’all! Let the church say, “Amen!” Hallelujah!). More excited than kids in a candy store (and we all know how excited they can get. CHOCOLATE!!!! Haha), the 11 apostles returned home to Jerusalem (less than a mile away), Matthias replaced Judas Iscariot as Jesus’s 12th apostle, and the boys got down to business, teaching and preaching about the Kingdom of God (get the Gatorade! It’s game time!)!
I absolutely love this story! Though Jesus is now sitting in Heaven, at God the Father’s right hand (he’s God Almighty’s right hand man, y’all!), he will return to Earth one day (when God the Father instructs Jesus to) to take us all home (cue Alter Bridge’s “Coming Home”)! I’m so excited (we won’t need gas money, a plane ticket, a passport or anything! Jesus has paid for it all with his blood! Hallelujah!)! I can’t wait to see you all there!
Given the length and nature of today’s post, I will not do a modern-day remix of it. No worries, though (I’m not THAT trifling!)! I have included a wonderful video from Saddleback Kids, which describes Jesus’s ascension into Heaven beautifully (it’s such a cute video!). I hope that you all enjoy the video!
Saddleback Kids-Jesus’ Ascension (YouTube):
With that being said, I love you all, God bless you all, and I’ll see you all on the next one!